Discussion what does ctb make you feel?

[heartinparadise]

ctb makes me happy when I'm close to success. For a few moments, it'd be a bright, uplifting joy, and it'd feel like I'm high or something. It acts as a source of motivation and a kind of hobby. I enjoy to be able striving for something meaningful.
As if, when I am rotting, I've gained the ability to cut the infected flesh off.

It's rather fun doing the planning and conducting during the times when I'm not rolling around in pain
It's makes me be able to tolerate daily life

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's also a source of excitement and relief at times. That tends to be the passive ideation side of it for me. As in- one day, I won't be needing to deal with all this life crap.

At other times, it is the frustrating golden carrot on the stick that I've been grasping for, for decades but don't feel I can get till my Dad goes first. Sometimes, the desperation and desire for it versus feeling I must still hold on verges on unbearable.

Active ideation- actually envisaging doing it really isn't pleasant for me. The whole process and it's unknown reliability frightens me. Pain and fear, frighten me.

Then, I also tend to feel great swells of resentment that my parents gave me this 'problem' that only has unpleasant solutions. Suffer in suicide or, suffer more life and then suffer again in natural death.

 

[misanthropemurder]

It's a combination of fear and happiness. I don't know what will happen when I eventually do it, no one does. I could end up in hell, who knows.

 

[Alexandra_]

Impatience. I can't wait for my KTB day, I want to bring it closer as soon as possible. I'm also a little worried whether I'll ultimately achieve what I want, but this is a normal reaction. And of course, I'm very happy that I have everything purchased, tested and waiting for its time. If it weren't for some unpleasant circumstances, I would have already boarded the bus yesterday.
And I understand your feelings very well

 

[coked_pigeon]

It's a mix of things
-Sadness that it's come to this. My one shot at consciousness, and I'd rather not exist at all.
-Resentment towards the people who were contributing factors
-Guilt about leaving some of those same people behind
-Happiness when I make concrete progress towards CTB (was very excited when my SN arrived, for example)
-Wistfulness at the thought of all the potentially good experiences and relationships I'll miss out on (though I also consider it a good thing to be freed from the experience of deprivation)
-Resentment towards existence itself for being being so fundamentally asymmetrical in terms of harms and goods, while also endowing us with a survival instinct too robust to be rational
-Relief that it'll all be over 'soon'
-Fear that I won't be able to go through with it
-(Occasionally) gratitude for the moments that felt beautiful/meaningful/transcendent. They were largely drug-induced, to be fair, hence the line in my suicide note about drugs and delusions being the only things keeping me hear "besides that pesky survival instinct"
-Terror at the prospect of complete annihilation and oblivion

 

[turbomightbegone]

scared. very fucking scared

 

[diopdawe]

It makes me scared too. Survival instinct is a bitch.

 

[plastic]

I have no fear. Every time I get close I feel very excited. But there are other problems that make it difficult for me to leave.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Thinking about a successful suicide = Death = Non-existence forever makes me feel very happy. Because that means all my problems are solved instantly and forever. I escape this hell. Plus no chance of ever suffering extremely a trillion times worse than I can imagine, no suffering no pain no problems no bad memories no diseases no old age no chores no work for all eternity

What i fear is living and failing a suicide attempt and remaining alive but with even more damage to my brain and or body

 

[lv-nii]

desperate, I really want to end this invisible pain that has been with me for so long

 

[FuneralCry]

If I had the option to peacefully cease existing and never suffer ever again then I'd feel relieved, all I wish for is to be free from this cruel, deeply undesirable and tortuous existence I just always saw as the most terrible mistake.

For me only non-existence could ever be positive and it's just all that can bring me peace from this existence of suffering all for the sake of it and I just always suffer so much as a result of this existence, for me non-existence is just all that's desirable and is all that can bring me any relief from this existence I just never would had chosen and never would had wished for and I see so much cruelty in how I cannot just have a death like falling into an dreamless eternal sleep so finally I can be at peace. I'd just always prefer to not exist than be conscious in this existence suffering so unnecessarily destined to decay and die anyway, existence is just always the problem to me, existence is just always so torturous to me, I wish I never suffered more than anything, I see existence as an abomination that causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Empowered. A little sad, too, I guess, that it's come to this.

 

[dontwakemeup]

A few hours prior to method: estatic, Inpatient, sad, guilt, but mostly happy that I'm leaving for good. All my senses feel enlighted.

During active method: nervous, lonely, sad, guilt, the happiness begins to fade and i wonder am i making the right decision. Regret, fear, at this point I'm too far in so I must finish.

Waiting on method to work: I lay in bed and begin to cry. The loneliness is hard. I always get physically cold. I think of all the things I wish I could have been. Guilt, eagerness to hurry and get it over. I drift off.

Waking up after failed attempt: it's the most painful experience ever! Confusion, physically sick, emotionally exhausted, anger, complete loneliness and sadness. I can't focus too much on emotions because the sickness is unbearable!

Repeat months/ years later. Same order, same emotions.

 

[TAW122]

It gives me a sense of empowerment in a weird way, and in some cases, even relief knowing that once I've (successfully) CTB'd, then there is no coming back and I won't or can't regret it once it is done (successfully). Also, there is indeed some disappointment and sadness that there are some things I wished I could have done, but are infeasible or just not possible while sentience, but I don't let this drawback override my ultimate decision because I know that once I'm gone, nothing else matters to me anymore as I won't be conscious or sentient or experience it.

 

[ginko0]

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night." — Nietzsche