Discussion Why do you/others self-harm?

[The Disqualified]

Why self-harm? I ask this question candidly, truthfully, most sincerely.
Is it to cope with overwhelming mental pain? Do you like the feeling of it? Do you feel better or worse after doing it? Does it leave scars or permanent damage to your skin? Do you have to hide it? Do people notice them? What happens if they do?

I am really curious. I don't see myself self-harming: it seems risky. I would be dead if people noticed it. I've invested too much in my performance. If people discovered the truth, all I've built would collapse instantly.

I don't want normal human beings to find out the truth about me. I long deeply for close connection, but I know so well I may never find it. I feel lonely, but at the same time close myself to the world. They can't find out the truth about me, it is too dangerous, really.

 

[GabenBeaver]

I started to cut because i was curious how it feels like. Then continued doing it because it felt kind of good. I stopped because i ran out of space in the area i was cutting and ever since i rarely cut.

I long deeply for close connection, but I know so well I may never find it.

I felt the same way but then i met my girlfriend. Though, even though i love her i dont feel much better. I still feel empty 90% of the time which was kind of dissapointing because i always expected that my life would turn around 180° as soon as i would find a partner lol. I wish you the best of luck!! I hope you succeed in hiding your secret and finding someone who truly cares :D

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

Why self-harm? I ask this question candidly, truthfully, most sincerely.
Is it to cope with overwhelming mental pain? Do you like the feeling of it? Do you feel better or worse after doing it? Does it leave scars or permanent damage to your skin? Do you have to hide it? Do people notice them? What happens if they do?

I am really curious. I don't see myself self-harming: it seems risky. I would be dead if people noticed it. I've invested too much in my performance. If people discovered the truth, all I've built would collapse instantly.

I don't want normal human beings to find out the truth about me. I long deeply for close connection, but I know so well I may never find it. I feel lonely, but at the same time close myself to the world. They can't find out the truth about me, it is too dangerous, really.

I self-harm for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's for a release from a wave of overwhelming emotions like sadness, sometimes it's to punish myself for saying or doing something 'wrong', and occasionally I feel so dead and numb, I need to hurt myself to feel something. It really just depends.

I usually tend to like the feeling of it, as the pain is grounding and the warm blood is oddly comforting. Sometimes I do feel worse though, as once you go really deep a couple times, you feel both invalid and unsatisfied with more minor cuts. I have both scars and minor nerve damage on my arms. Hiding my scars is circumstantial. Until last month I was clean on my arms for like 4 years, so I was less insecure about showing my scar riddled arms as they were white/faded. Now however, my arms are back to being ribboned with ugly purple scars and I feel a lot of shame around that, so I wear long sleeves as much as possible. My new scars are actually a primary reason I'm going to CTB so soon, I hate that I ruined my arms and made my life even more complicated.

People 100% notice my scars once I'm up close with them, and I feel like I'm either looked at like I'm crazy, or I'm pitied and treated differently which I hate. I've only had one person say something, and that was some bitch in a grocery store who used me as an example for her child. She pointed to me and told her poor kid that if she doesn't stop cutting, she'll look like me.

I started on accident when I was about 8, my mom was yelling and me and I managed to get away from her and bolt up the stairs, where I ended up accidentally scratching myself on a metal door piece. It instantly calmed/grounded me, and I began scratching myself to regulate after my mom would verbally/physically abuse me. It later evolved into cutting, and is something I've shamefully been reliant on ever since.

Self-harming is risky and I encourage you never start. It makes your life worse, and can ruin your future. You'll feel shameful, even more isolated, and it will only complicate your life further.

 

[AlTheObviousAlien]

Why self-harm? I ask this question candidly, truthfully, most sincerely.
Is it to cope with overwhelming mental pain? Do you like the feeling of it? Do you feel better or worse after doing it? Does it leave scars or permanent damage to your skin? Do you have to hide it? Do people notice them? What happens if they do?

I am really curious. I don't see myself self-harming: it seems risky. I would be dead if people noticed it. I've invested too much in my performance. If people discovered the truth, all I've built would collapse instantly.

I don't want normal human beings to find out the truth about me. I long deeply for close connection, but I know so well I may never find it. I feel lonely, but at the same time close myself to the world. They can't find out the truth about me, it is too dangerous, really.

I self-harmed for the first time in about a year because I was getting bullied, meanwhile, they were triggering me because I had a miscarriage about three years ago. I was getting overwhelmed so I went to the bathroom and self-harmed. I needed a release because I needed to scream but all I could do was cry.

Now, I don't care. Honesty those that do already know I self-harm. So they either don't care (my family) or get concerned about my mental health (my ex).

I have scars from highschool, but it's been 7 years, and they have faded. I have scars from 3-4 years ago, they are deep and loud. I don't care what strangers see. I wear whatever I want however I want. No stranger ever came up to me and asked. And the kids I've personally known, the mom said they were tattoos . I don't answer kids with questions like that, I look to the parent.

 

[wannabeangel]

it started when i was 11, i dont even remember where i got the idea exactly, i just remember unscrewing a donald duck pencil sharpener and that started years of addiction. it started and usually always is to cope with mental pain, and physical pain as my disorders got worse as i got into my teens. it felt like a release, and like my pain was real. i also started to just enjoy it, doing it when i wasnt mentally that bad or "needed" it.

i was usually always very particular with how i cut, besides impulsive moments usually intoxicated or melting down. but otherwise it felt nice before, during and after. i would plan when and where i will, usually in the bathroom because i liked the white tile floors the best to bleed on, plan where i will cut and how deep/how many (often went over what i planned tho, unless it was extremely necessary to hide it like my last relapse over 2 years ago)

then i would gather supplies, blades, bandages, aftercare stuff. i didnt want an infection, and was raised by two parents both in or used to be in medical fields, grew up around all that stuff learned a lot of wound care, or how to treat and avoid infection, and when a cut being red while healing is just your body rushing blood there to heal, and not an actual infection. i liked knowing all the facts, having all the supplies. dont know if its part of my OCD, but it was quite obsessive. i spent a lot of time learning where different veins and arteries are, so i don't accidently hit them, figuring out the safest spots that i can still go deep enough

then finally the time comes, usually late at night when everyone was asleep, i was able to sneak into the bathroom, everything hidden under the sink already because i prepped thru the day, could clear the floor and clean my blades, and enjoy the sting, but mainly the blood. thats why i liked the white tiles or a bathtub, the blood just was... beautiful that way, i got very addicted to that part moreso than the pain. usually it didnt even hurt that bad to me, unless i multi-swiped, or the one time i went too deep when drunk, hit a nerve and saw white, now i get phantom pains and shit from it. but god i would be lying if i said i didnt enjoy it.

i liked the cleanup after too, wiping the blood around enjoying it before i wash it away, enjoying the sting of the hydrogen peroxide or alcohol i would pour into my cuts to clean them, then ointment and bandages. i liked bandaging myself up a lot. writing it out now i think its because it felt like my pain was being taken care of, fuck i cant believe that just clicked. growing up with genetic disorders that just got worse as i aged, and it being blamed on my mental health and not seen as real, it felt like i made the pain REALLY real, and now it can finally be bandaged, taken care of gently

i also like my scars, when i had stitches sometimes i would try to take them out and make the cut wider, so it scars bigger. the staff in the ward would joke with me sometimes and say "so i guess you're right handed?" because i only really ever cut on the left side of my body, mainly left thigh and wrist/forearm, a little on my ankle but not a lot. all my scars are white now, you cant really tell unless close or in the right sunlight showing the raised or indented ones. i liked when they were pink still tho, i miss that, at least they turn purple in my thighs when i get too cold

all of that probably sounds weird to those who dont sh, or dont feel all the same ways i do about it. ik my friend found it crazy saying that i missed it. and i understand why. my brain just finds it... pleasing? grounding? overall a relief, and the endorphin rush from a good cut, especially when its deeper than i meant to, or the time i was curious and slowly stabbed into a cut with small sissors until i heard this pop that sounded also like velcro ripping and it jolting deeper. your brain will rush good chemicals to your brain when you're hurt, and when its visually pleasing and emotionally relieving i cant help but enjoy it so much

sometimes i SH in other ways, usually bruising, and thats mainly used for self punishment and emotional regulation, as the pain from swelling lasts a few days and is kinda also grounding, if my brain is thinking too much i'll push into the bruise, or hit it again. cutting has been self punishment in the past too, but once i started enjoying more of it i got hooked and even when emotions were alright i'll give in because it felt good in a fucked up way

 

[LonelyPrince]

I do it as a coping mechanism. However, I also have a weird fascination with my own blood and injuries. I like seeing my body scarred or bruised up.
Even if I get a bruise unintentionally, I touch it and stare at it in awe often.

I think i like seeing my internal pain become external. I'm not ashamed of my scars, not at all.
I used to do everything to hide them: long sleeves, foundation, etc...Now I couldn't care less.
I know people around me see them, I know they notice.
I'm ashamed of a lot of things, but this isn't one of them.
I don't care if it makes others uncomfortable, it's a them problem if it does.

 

[GabenBeaver]

I do it as a coping mechanism. However, I also have a weird fascination with my own blood and injuries. I like seeing my body scarred or bruised up.
Even if I get a bruise unintentionally, I touch it and stare at it in awe often.

I think i like seeing my internal pain become external. I'm not ashamed of my scars, not at all.
I used to do everything to hide them: long sleeves, foundation, etc...Now I couldn't care less.
I know people around me see them, I know they notice.
I'm ashamed of a lot of things, but this isn't one of them.
I don't care if it makes others uncomfortable, it's a them problem if it does.

im sorry for replying to your post (is it awkward to reply to someones message in a thread if you arent the original poster? i dont know the culture here im sorry) but the blood part is why i still ocassionally self harm. i like the way the cuts look too but i really enjoy looking at my own blood. Im glad that you are comfortable with the way you are :D. I wish i had the strenght to feel the same way about my scars but tbh now i start to regret them? I hate the way my body looks and especially now im scared of showing it to my partner. If i was a bit better of a person i could save her from worrying about me and such.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i started cutting a couple months ago to cope with overwhelming stress and emotions. It would help calm me down and ground me in reality. i liked looking at the blood too.

it's still a coping mechanism, but sometimes i do it now because i just like doing it. I like making scars and picking at the scabs. I wear long sleeves to hide my cuts not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed but because i just don't want to deal with the conversation that comes afterwards.

only person besides my close Internet friends who know is my sister while i was living with her. she made me get therapy but i stopped going after 2 sessions cause i didn't want to pay.

 

[LonelyPrince]

im sorry for replying to your post (is it awkward to reply to someones message in a thread if you arent the original poster? i dont know the culture here im sorry) but the blood part is why i still ocassionally self harm. i like the way the cuts look too but i really enjoy looking at my own blood. Im glad that you are comfortable with the way you are :D. I wish i had the strenght to feel the same way about my scars but tbh now i start to regret them? I hate the way my body looks and especially now im scared of showing it to my partner. If i was a bit better of a person i could save her from worrying about me and such.

It's not awkward at all don't worry.
I don't think there is anything shameful in them: they are a sign of deep pain and shouldn't be shamed on. If someone actually does do that it says more about them than you and your scars. They are cowards who are scared of pain and suffering, who can't bear to see even a glimpse of it.
I don't know if my words make much sense, I hope my point came across.

Also don't blame yourself for being in pain, it happened. I'm sure someone who deeply loves you and wishes the best for you would understand.

 

[scenecore fan]

Why self-harm? I ask this question candidly, truthfully, most sincerely.
Is it to cope with overwhelming mental pain? Do you like the feeling of it? Do you feel better or worse after doing it? Does it leave scars or permanent damage to your skin? Do you have to hide it? Do people notice them? What happens if they do?

I am really curious. I don't see myself self-harming: it seems risky. I would be dead if people noticed it. I've invested too much in my performance. If people discovered the truth, all I've built would collapse instantly.

I don't want normal human beings to find out the truth about me. I long deeply for close connection, but I know so well I may never find it. I feel lonely, but at the same time close myself to the world. They can't find out the truth about me, it is too dangerous, really.

I've never cut deep enough for my knife to make me bleed, but i sometimes self harm when im feeling like shit, but mainly i do it because i kinda like it, having the tip of my knife pressed against my skin, my throat, its cold touch, that + some porn asmr ive found that includes knife play... That gets me going lol

 

[princexhhn]

Why self-harm? I ask this question candidly, truthfully, most sincerely.
Is it to cope with overwhelming mental pain? Do you like the feeling of it? Do you feel better or worse after doing it? Does it leave scars or permanent damage to your skin? Do you have to hide it? Do people notice them? What happens if they do?

I have been doing it since I was 11 or 12 years old.
I'd rather deal with physical pain than emotional one. I do like the feeling. I feel calmer. I have scars from it because of how deep I've cut, and scars from when I needed stitches since I cut so deep. I don't hide it, I don't give a shit. People notice. Nothing, they don't even bring it up most of the time. I just act like it's not there, I guess they feel awkward if they point it out. It's not really a secret in my normal life either that I have mental issues, they know damn well what it is.

I don't remember anymore the reason why I turned to self harm, but I'm sure the reason back then is different from why I still do it. Now it's something familiar, something I did after every bad event. In a sick way, it feels like home. I feel safe when I have cuts. I have been doing it for so long that it just doesn't feel right anymore to not have the wounds. It's calming somehow, it calms me down quickly, much like a comfort plushie or something. Not completely calm I guess but… mixed in with anxiety? It's complicated I suppose. I only do it when something hurts me. Others turn to alcohol, I turn to a blade. It numbs me out, I can now focus on my wounds and the blood spilling out of me rather than whatever happened. Sometimes I also do it because I think I deserve it. Apologies don't feel enough, so I harm myself on behalf of someone else, as punishment for whatever I did.

I'm not sure what happened, but it just devolved into a weird love for bruising myself up. I started to adore how the blood and the cuts looked on my skin. I thought it looked beautiful. Though, I only start to think this way when I'm in a really really bad mental state where I am actively self harming.

I try not to self harm anymore, because of how much it affects my loved ones irl, but I can't help it sometimes. Feels like it's built in me now. There is a big factor of self-hatred involved as well. In my mind, it goes : "How else am I supposed to repent my sins?"
I am incapable of sitting with my guilt, frustrations, etc.
I would rather transfer these emotions and let it spill out of my bloodstream.

 

[burninghill]

I've been self harming since I was 14 and I'm almost 20 now, I do it for attention haha.

I do also really like how the scars look, but there's lots of specific moments where, if I knew I'd be around friends the next day, I'd deliberately cut myself up so they could see.

They never do or say anything about it, but at least when I die they can't say there were no signs

 

[charlavail]

I used to self harm from 11-15, a lot of stress at home and in school. I ended up stopping up until 2 weeks ago (I'm 31). I've been going through a major depressive episode and i just feel so worthless and nto good enough for anything. I was having these severe bouts of crying where it felt like i was going to rip my skin off or punch a hole in the wall. At first I was punching myself in the head but the thoughts of cutting myself grew bigger and bigger so I said fuck it, I already hate myself and want to die. So i did it again during one of those times when i couldn't control my crying or my emotions and it just quieted down my brain immediately. so now it's my go to whenever I'm feeling any sort of distress.

 

[SarahThrowsGin]

I self-harm because my impulse control got destroyed by sheer amount of hopelessness, and I can't hold off it anymore, even though for some time I could hold it. Other than that, I view it as a compulsion rather than something enjoyable. A reenactment of violence on self after one was repeatedly hurt and told they are worthless. I don't believe I am worthless, but self-harm is driven by instincts, not by attitude towards self. And instincts have never been my friend since childhood because of how I was raised: public humiliation was the prime tactic mother used. And that despite I was nominally born male. Naturally, I don't identify as a man as there is torched ground where masculinity could have sprang otherwise. Really, some people should not be allowed to be parents. Both of them were losers also, and so totally should have just perished instead of bringing someone doomed to suffer.

 

[meddle]

to punish myself. to have visible proofs that i really suffer, that i really am mentally ill. to see my blood. idk

 

[starrypandabear]

For me maybe it doesn't make sense but I want to match my skin to the way I feel inside. Even if no one sees it, I do not cut very visibly or if I do I cover it, but for me. But I want to look as sick as I feel. I also do it because sometimes the thoughts I have are too overwhelming and I cannot make them stop until I cut, it feels like I am releasing all of the awful things I am thinking or feeling, although it is temporary relief, which is why it keeps happening.

 

[wolverine]

If it even counts, I've been punching myself since I was 14 in response to large and immediate frustration. If I was ever overwhelmed with emotion, usually over something to do with hating myself, I'd connect my fist with my jaw. Also did it out of perfectionism whenever I didn't ace whatever it was I wanted to do perfectly. It always made me feel like an idiot afterwards for how impulsive it was and how it'd almost happen without my conscious input, it would just hurt and maybe leave me with a faint headache and maybe give me the briefest moment of relief before I immediately thought "That was stupid. I'm stupid."

 

[delinquentsandwich]

mostly because it feels good
takes my mind off the emotional anguish

but also the bleeding sort of calms me down too?
like.. idk
it reminds me of my mortality and that I can die

 

[XxEstenxX]

My thoughts get too bad at times and I want to drown it out by doing something worse like SH to focus my mind on other things less stressful. Other times I will SH to punish myself for feeling emotions and having thoughts I shouldn't, like thinking that my friend is burdened by me and that she'll abandon me one day.

Also, I like to have my pain shown on my skin, since I hide how I feel to others around me. It makes me feel validated ig. No one mentally sane would harm themselves as much as I have. I dont show my scars to anyone and I make sure to hide them, but I guess its for when someone finally sees them. Each scar tells a story.

Also Also, I like to bleed, but I have thick skin so I dont often bleed when I SH :p

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

self hatred. my self harm is less blades and blood, and more of eating bread (causes many issues for me due to autoimmune disease) and smoking cigarettes in hopes of cancer cause i deserve it. there's also the fact i think i'll die of a myocardial infarction (heart attack) if i die of natural causes so i drink two monster's a day in addition to the cigarettes giving a higher chance of it.

 

[meteorite]

these days for me I treat it more like an experiment than anything. sometimes it's because I'm mad and need to calm down or whatever but most of the time it's more like, I wonder if this part of my skin is thicker or thinner than this part, what happens if I use a different tool than normal, what if I cut over scar tissue etc. part of it is boredom too tbh like there's fuck all else to do around here I guess

 

[FoxSauce]

Punishment to let thought or voices (idk) shut up and well if i feel nothing aka numbness.

But I tried burning for curiosity (my bad)

 

[dreaming]

I do it to try to distract from how I feel emotionally.

 

[Cauliflour]

Why self-harm? I ask this question candidly, truthfully, most sincerely.
Is it to cope with overwhelming mental pain? Do you like the feeling of it? Do you feel better or worse after doing it? Does it leave scars or permanent damage to your skin? Do you have to hide it? Do people notice them? What happens if they do?

I am really curious. I don't see myself self-harming: it seems risky. I would be dead if people noticed it. I've invested too much in my performance. If people discovered the truth, all I've built would collapse instantly.

I don't want normal human beings to find out the truth about me. I long deeply for close connection, but I know so well I may never find it. I feel lonely, but at the same time close myself to the world. They can't find out the truth about me, it is too dangerous, really.

1.I've been doing it for so long now that I can't give you a clear answer.
2. I'm too autistic to even tell if I have overwhelming mental pain.
3. I love it.
4. Ranges from "a bit better" - "a lot better" depending on how I've fucked up my arm this week.
5. The light ones have faded over the years but even just breaking capillaries on the surface level leaves scars that look like they've faded but give it like 3 years and they've gone white and are gonna stay like that for the rest of your life.
6. Yes because if my family sees them then they're gonna force me to have an uncomfortable conversation about mental health that they barely listen to.
7. Sometimes, doing the dishes is the most common way.
8. I either go non verbal and they eventually give up, or I give some terrible excuse that somehow works (I don't do this that often anymore cause I'm a shitty liar).
9. Yes it's really fucking risky don't try it.
10. fair enough. It's good how you've thought about this and not let your emotions dictate your actions like this.

 

[tiokapaws]

Why self-harm? I ask this question candidly, truthfully, most sincerely.
Is it to cope with overwhelming mental pain? Do you like the feeling of it? Do you feel better or worse after doing it? Does it leave scars or permanent damage to your skin? Do you have to hide it? Do people notice them? What happens if they do?

I am really curious. I don't see myself self-harming: it seems risky. I would be dead if people noticed it. I've invested too much in my performance. If people discovered the truth, all I've built would collapse instantly.

I don't want normal human beings to find out the truth about me. I long deeply for close connection, but I know so well I may never find it. I feel lonely, but at the same time close myself to the world. They can't find out the truth about me, it is too dangerous, really.

I do it to feel okay. It calms me down. I usually hit and scratch and bite myself on a regular basis (I used to strangle myself too but people say you can get brain damage from regularly doing it so I stopped lmao) when my emotions get overwhelming. I feel it as a physical urge and I feel compelled to act on it.

For the scratching, it's the one I do most often, even in public and will find myself stabbing and digging objects into my skin for relief. People notice occasionally, but it's seen as an odd nervous tick rather than whipping out a boxcutter and slicing it up. I do that one too, but never in public and only really when on the verge of ctb.

I don't know if I like the feeling though? Like whenever I do it, I have to take in a deep breathe and just tell myself to do it depsite the pain. And with each new wound it becomes easier and easier until it's like you're not even cutting your own skin anymore.

I always do feel so much better after doing it, like a weights been lifted off my shoulder and I can finally breathe again. Depending on where you do it, what you use and how deep you go, it can leave permanent scars, yes. I've noticed that while the ones on my arm bleed much easier, they also heal quite quickly and the scars fade eventually. On my thighs though I've gotta put extra pressure and the marks I've left there since I was 11 are still there

A couple are raised and I can teace over them with my fingers. I rarely ever sh on my arms, so I wear short sleeves from time to time, and people do sometimes take a glance at them, but like they're nothing drastic there.

On my thighs, that's where the longer stares come from since you can see them if I'm wearing wearing shorter dresses or summer wear or swimsuits. I remember being on the bus with my friend and she looked down at them and and I just looked at her back, but her being as kind as she was, didn't say anything.

Nobody really does tbh except my family. My mom comments about it and tells me to buy creams for them along with my hyperpigmentation. And other ones have questioned in varying ways.

i had to show my doctor my self harm scars when I was 14 in front of my mom, and since she knows that there was already a huge collection of scars, she doesn't notice when I add a couple more on. I think it'd be a pretty bad situation if people knew I was currently self harming, which is why I stick primarily to my thighs and don't do it on the arms unless the old ones have faded.

 

[Leonfreak17]

I'm actually 814 days clean... it has not been easy at all... counting days is all I have

but, the first time I ever cut it was to express the thought "this is how much I hurt, and I want people to see it, and I want a record on my skin of how much this hurt has effected me so people can see it with their eyes" because everyone in my life was making me feel like my problems didn't matter and that I was even exaggerating my childhood medical conditions... I have BPD now lol


then it became about the chemical addiction side of it, I did it for 13 years.. and I have a bit of an affinity for blood...

 

[tailsmilesprowler]

For me it gives me purpose. I used to use it to distract myself from emotions, but now I just enjoy it, I really want it and I just feel like I need it or i wont be complete. I want to be hurting, I like being injured and I have a need to be seriously/chronically injured or dead. I like seeing myself injured. I deserve pain. It gives me a wound that I have take care of. I enjoy physical pain and the wave of pleasure it gives me.

Spoiler

(also sexually, I really like physical pain. It feels really nessisiary. It feels like pain replaces what i would get out of stimulation, and pain gets me really emotionally excited. And I like blood.)

If I feel upset I get urges to want to hit my head or body and the pain from that is distracting and makes me feel good, or i pick or scratch for stimulation. If pain is pleasurable it doesnt hurt as bad.

 

[anopenwound]

A plethora of reasons:

1) After I've done it I'm often physically exhausted. I don't get to rest often 'cause my body is always tense. This kinda forces me to chill.
2) The pain I inflicted to myself overwhelms everything else, for a brief moment. It's kind of a system reset.
3) I feel like I deserve it. I feel like to some extent I'm making up for the things I can't fix. I can't mend everything but at least now I'm visibly suffering for them.
4) When I'm panicked it's kind of the only thing that can calm me down, albeit it doesn't always work.
5) Sometimes I feel so numb it's the only way I can feel something.
6) Sometimes it's the opposite: I feel a lot and I want to feel numb. It's different from a reset: I literally want to obliterate myself into nothingness.
7) Sometimes it feels like self care. Like I'm hurting myself 'cause that's the only thing I know how to do for myself. My brain sometimes reads it as tenderness.

 

[twinium]

Hello! i've dealt with self harm for all my high school years. at first i cut out of curiosity to see how it felt back in early middle school and felt nothing so i though i'd never do it again also at this time i had the tendency for scratching at my skin till it bleed on rare occasion when i was extremely stressed it was more of a reaction then i did not realize this was self harm at the time.

in late middle school or early high school is when i tried it again when i was highly stressed and it was very relieving redirecting the pain in my brain to pain in my leg so thats why i did it at first to redirect pain because physical pain is easier to deal with. after a while of doing it to was also to show i was in pain i don't believe my emotions are mine a lot so it felt like the open cuts were proof that i felt what i felt.

then i did it just to see me with open wounds i also liked to drink my own blood(very edgy ik) and eat my scabs it was still for stress sometimes but most the time it was just for the sight. then i did it because it felt like i had too i would get extremely stressed if i didn't. i used to keep the stuff i sh with in a locked pencil box i ended up losing the key and when i was feeling extremely stressed because of how long i was clean and i ended up ripping the lock off with my teeth it was just locked pencil box for kids so it wasn't the very sturdy if it was i probs would of lost a tooth.

i started to slowly wean myself off of sh when my boyfriend (not boyfriend at the time) started to take intrest in me and i didn't want him to see me with open or fresh wounds so i started using a less harmful sh meathod till i just stoped and it worked i never kept track of when i stopped but its been like 3 or 4 months at least probs longer though.

 

[StalkedByDeath]

Personally, I've self harmed because it reduces the mental anguish I'm feeling. Physiologically I think it releases endorphins, which detracts from the emotional pain. Plus physical pain is easier to deal with. However, that makes it extremely addicting if you get into it. Yes, it has left permanent scars. The entirety of my arm is covered in scars.

I'm at a point in my life where I just don't care to hide them anymore; people can think what they think. The only time I cover them up is during job interviews and during the first week or so. I want first impressions to form based on my work, not on my scars. Sometimes people will notice, especially when they were still healing and reddish, but now most of them are faded and not as noticeable. Very few people have been dickheads in my 15 years of having SH scars. Most people that notice either A. Don't bring it up at all, or B. Those that do bring it up tend to have scars themselves.