Discussion Why do you live and why do you want to die?

[Christopher Reeve]

I've been thinking a lot about when to put an end to my own suffering, I already have my own 2-phase method in case one goes wrong. But what I need to resolve is my reasons, if they really suit me, I live a kind of paradox where I know I'm going to suffer a lot but I still hope it magically changes, although attempts to improve always say no
What are the reasons that make you want to live and want to die?

 

[sserafim]

I live because dying is difficult. I want to die for a multitude reasons

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I live because I don't have the right resources or the right skills to kill myself. I want to die because life just isn't made for me and, instead of accepting that life is unfair, I'd rather make it more fair for myself by killing myself. Why would I want to willingly tolerate life being unfair towards me? I'm not made for this life at all. I don't even have any interests or hobbies nor is there anything in life that I actually want to do. I can't relate to those who love studying a particular subject or working a particular job and so on

 

[veinofether]

I live out of obligation to my family/boyfriend and especially my dog. I lost a parent to suicide so it's difficult to imagine putting my family through the same ordeal all over again

 

[unabletocope]

I want to die because stuff happened that has fucked up my life, I live because to some extent I've still felt there's a sense that things can be worked through and also that I haven't been in a position to kill myself in a way that suits me, probably at the point where I am able to make an attempt for good though now (finally)

 

[whywere]

I live because after all that I have been through from homeless and hungry at 18 to gall bladder cancer and everything in-between I refuse to let some aspects drive me to a 3rd attempt.

Also, if and when quantity overtakes quality of life, I have a VAD waiting.

Walter

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I want to live because there are various games, movies, and shows I'm excited for. I also stubbornly cling onto a small bit of hope that maybe I really can find love and also be saved.

I want to die because all of those things are selfish and abhorrent and wrong to indulge in for one reason or another. I also hate myself so much that it's no wonder I want to kill my greatest enemy, the true source of all my pain and misery.

 

[BardBarrie]

I've been thinking a lot about when to put an end to my own suffering, I already have my own 2-phase method in case one goes wrong. But what I need to resolve is my reasons, if they really suit me, I live a kind of paradox where I know I'm going to suffer a lot but I still hope it magically changes, although attempts to improve always say no
What are the reasons that make you want to live and want to die?

I don't want to live.
I also don't want to go through the process of dying, at least not a traumatic and painful one.

That is what's keeping me here; why I'm procrastinating: the fear of a traumatic death.

 

[theboy]

I only live "forced" by my family and I want to die because I feel that I am not made for this world and I lost the sense of life... besides my mental illness.

 

[sadman710]

I think I'm already dead. Just haven't reached the grave yet. I'm dying in motion with no hope or concern to live in this shithole anymore. Fuck this place. We designed all of these objects like monkeys drooling over cute toys just to make life absolutely nauseating.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

hello superman!

 

[bookgirl]

I live because I was born and I want to die because my life sucks

 

[3/4Dead]

I live because I couldn't do that to the people im closest to.
We'd be here for days if I explained why I want to die

 

[NullSz00]

There are a lot of reasons why I want to die.

As to why I live, I think it's because I don't want to leave the only person by my side alone.

 

[momento.mori]

I only live because I'm scared of another failed attempt. Just patiently waiting to go, hopefully it's not much longer.

 

[LunarGirl]

I live because I am scared of dying. Scared in the sense that no one knows what is on the other side, and if it is any better than this plane of existence. I also live because trying to catch the bus is quite difficult...
I want to die for a lot of reasons. I am so tired of the never ending chore that is life.

 

[Simba]

I have some reasons of me not wanting to be here no more. To me it feels that i want to die but at the same time i also want to live.. i dont even like myself

 

[offbalance]

I've been thinking a lot about when to put an end to my own suffering, I already have my own 2-phase method in case one goes wrong. But what I need to resolve is my reasons, if they really suit me, I live a kind of paradox where I know I'm going to suffer a lot but I still hope it magically changes, although attempts to improve always say no
What are the reasons that make you want to live and want to die?

I'm still alive because I'm still researching the afterlife or maybe lack thereof. I want to have an idea where I'm going. I want to die because, well, unfairness seems to be built into this universe. A lot of reasons really

 

[FuneralCry]

Under no circumstances would I ever wish to be burdened with something so futile, cruel and harmful as existence, more than anything I wish I never existed at all, it's an abomination to be conscious and aware with the ability to suffer endlessly. I'm tired of existing in this hellish world, I want to cease existing on my own terms as I have awareness of how truly undesirable existence is, I don't see the point of suffering so unnecessarily when the peace of death solves everything. I'd always prefer to eternally not exist than to suffer so unnecessarily for decades on end just to be tormented by old age and die anyway.

Existence itself is the true problem, it's an evil, meaningless imposition, it disgusts me how humans so harmfully force life here even know one cannot suffer from never existing at all and there is no need for existence yet existing can get so torturous beyond how one could even imagine. I really wish the option to just die in peace is there, it would be so relieving to have the ability to fall into an dreamless, eternal sleep.

 

[Gelos82]

I live cause I can't bear the thought of putting my mum through that kind of pain. I want to die cause ever since I was diagnosed with BPD my life has gone to shit, I feel hopeless and miserable and everyday is a struggle for me.

 

[Ambivalent1]

To find lasting meaningful connections.
To read more

My health problems make life very difficult. I don't get to experience life as it's meant to be lived. I'm a defective specimen that needs to be discarded.

 

[LunarLight]

I live because dying is difficult. SI and pain make death scary as hell. I want a peaceful death, and it's impossible to get N unless you go to Peru. Couldn't find a source for SN either.
I also live because I don't wanna leave my partner alone, traumatize them and leave them alone. But at the same time, I tell myself that the sooner I CTB, the longer time they have to find someone else and reach happinness again. I'm shutting myself away, I barely interact with them anymore, I just spend time by myself on the computer in the bedroom, and they come at nightfall to sleep by my side, that's all.

I want to die because living is fucking hell to me. I'm nothing but suffering. I've been depressed since I was 10, then traumatized by repetead SA in my teenage years. Lots of bullying at school because I was autistic. And being trans doesn't help. I'm fucking doomed. It will never get better. I'm and will be an outcast no matter what. My brain makes me miserable. I can't do anything. I can't enjoy anything. I'm bedridden. This is not a life worth living. Meds don't help, drugs used to help but they don't anymore. Therapists don't want to help me because I'm a desperate case and they just don't know what to do. I'm wrecked. I just want to end it all.

 

[defunkt]

Honestly only here because my last two attempts failed and because I don't feel anything anymore, not sadness not love nothing at all. I have gone through ODs but just ended up even more fuckrd up. Had a relationship for ten years that seemed 'magical' until I realized he was just another narcissist only covert like my mom instead of obvious narcissist like my Dad. Told my mom Ii got raped one day and she completely ignores it like that's the kind of person she is but the type who knows how to manipulate. And also still here because I can't get my hands on the good stuff that would make it easier to die because I'm too chicken to hang myself or drown

 

[belowhorizon]

I want to CTB because I've become a liability. I've lost every hope, trust, respect, and love for myself.

I'm only hesitating because I owe my family. At the same time, it's better if I off myself so I won't be a burden any longer.

 

[fireandice347]

instead of accepting that life is unfair, I'd rather make it more fair for myself by killing myself.

I totally identify with this. Perfect way of putting it.

 

[d-tea]

Death is difficult to achieve, and I would simply not be able to deal with the repercussions of failing (again). I've been so lucky that I've never lost control over my life despite my mental health, only people that I actively tell even know that I am struggling at all, and the worst thing that could ever happen is that I mess up and people find out.
It also hurts to imagine doing that to my significant other, I hurt them so much already and I'm afraid of them spiralling, they seem so happy.

I don't know why I don't want to live, I assume some inherent mental drive to live inside me is missing. Achievements don't feel good and satisfactory, they feel necessary. Failure feels horrible, even in a silly, small scale, like breaking something accidentally or not being able to do something new immediately.
Responsibility is not fulfilling anymore, it's a chore. I don't know what to do with my free time because I rarely enjoy doing things. I think realistically, I'm never going to go back to the way I felt as a child, way before puberty, finding everything enjoyable and interesting and funny, and I don't think life without those feelings is worth living.

 

[Leech]

Reasons I want to die are easy. I feel like I have no future. My life once I finish school (art school lol I really do this to myself) will be nothing but struggle. I don't want to live an existence of work work work pay off bills pay off student loans. I want to live free. I want to do whatever I want whenever I want. I know it's not possible though.

Reasons I want to live are not as easy to put into ideas. I guess I just still have a little hope that somehow I'll succeed and I'll get my little ranch with a horse or two and a big fluffy dog and some cows. I don't want to hurt the people around me by dying.

 

[AledHangingOut]

i live for my girlfriend, music and the next madoka magica film. i want to die because my girlfriend will die one day, ive had to endure nonstop hate from each and every single one of my peers, and also i really cant see a future. as it is the world wont last another century

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I feel like being alive today because of a cute guy. I live for the long term because I have promises that I've made for the future that I intend to fulfill. I want to die because of my parents, which I believe is an avoidable problem so long as I gain the ability to be financially independent and then cut contact. Also because of psychiatric disorders. In the future I believe that my psychiatric illness will kill me because it always relapses in cycles, and eventually one is going to get bad enough that I will try to kms again. I don't think about that though, I don't live my life today dreading about what will happen tomorrow, I only think about my life day-to-day.

 

[HuskyD'hiver]

I want to live because it would hurt my family if I died. Nothing could be more painful to them than if I CTBed.

I want to die because I have only cause pain and suffering to those I love. I don't deserve to be alive because of how I have made life worse to all of those around me and I know that will never be able to change that due to my incompetency. CTBing would be more painful like I stated before, but one of these days my existence will probably cause more pain then if I wasn't alive.