Venting Why do people force me to stay alive?

[mob]

Went to my psychiatrist today. Had to tell her about my suicidal thoughts. Got antidepressants and a PTSD diagnosis. Got told that staying in a ward would be better. Had to lie when she asked if I have any plans to end my life. Arguments with my partner every day because I don't want to and can't "get better". I feel sick to my stomach right now, and I can't think straight.

These people can clearly see I'm in pain. They can clearly see that I don't want to be here. Just one glance and you see that I'm doing a terrible job at hiding how I feel. It's been years. These people know that. So why am I not allowed to finally end this pain? Why am I being forced to stay alive? These antidepressants won't wipe away what's been there for all those years now.

Will those antidepressants wipe away my trauma? The abuse? The beatings? Will they wipe away the fear I feel whenever I see my father? Will they wipe away the pain I feel when I see my mother? They won't.
They won't wipe away these overwhelming feelings, nor will they get rid of my outbursts. Not my impulsiveness. Because this is who I am as a person. I believe I'm meant to be this way because never, not even once in my life have I been any different.

I'm not anyone important. If I ctb, would anything change? The sun will still rise and go down again, the moon will still shine, the stars will still be scattered all over the night sky. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years will still go on. Nothing would change. So why force me to still be here?

I feel bad for venting again since I feel like that's all I do, but I have nowhere else to let out my thoughts like that.

 

[SexyIncél]

No prob venting, that's what sasu's for!

Yeah, most people aren't respected on a fundamental level. You don't get to quit anything until they fire you. Not even life

 

[whywere]

I disagree with you, as far as you are VERY important. Not being snotty at all, but in my over 67 years on this planet I have met folks who had egos the size of the universe and they knew nothing, all puffery at best. NOW, after reading your thread multiple times, I came away with a very strong feeling of just how kind, caring and intelligent you are. Heck, I am the same as far as outbursts go. So what? There in again, I have had to put up with people who were complete egotistical self-centered jerks and that is worse, believe me.

AS far as venting goes, you are more than intitled to, vent as that is what makes SaSu so darn good and important. WE are all different in some ways BUT in general we are all the SAME and helping each other is as natural as breathing to me.

You are intitled to be you and having you not only in general life BUT here on SaSu helps make this site so much more complete.

Never let the jerks get you down, you are VERY important to me and so many others.

Lots of huge hugs, love and kindness, my good friend.

Walter

 

[Already Gone6]

Don't feel bad. I'm doing the same thing.
Life is just bullshit. Nothing is fair. We aren't even allowed to die peacefully. We have to seek out our own methods and work up the courage to do them. As far as the antidepressants, yeah they probably won't help. There are maybe a handful of people they actually do help. They even harm a lot of people. But I hope you can find what you are looking for on this forum. For me it's a good place to pass some time until I can finally ctb.

 

[AntHills]

Don't ever feel the need to apologize for venting here

They won't wipe away these overwhelming feelings, nor will they get rid of my outbursts. Not my impulsiveness. Because this is who I am as a person. I believe I'm meant to be this way because never, not even once in my life have I been any different.

I'm not anyone important. If I ctb, would anything change? The sun will still rise and go down again, the moon will still shine, the stars will still be scattered all over the night sky. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years will still go on. Nothing would change. So why force me to still be here?

I can relate to everything you said here, and if I didn't feel the need to assure people that my death was a desirable outcome, and completely out of their hands, I would likely be gone already. We shouldn't have to be ashamed of who we are, because our development is ultimately out of our control, but we shouldn't be forced to suffer through a life that we don't want to live either.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so replusive and inhumane how other people want to force those who want to die to suffer against their wishes, those who wish to leave deserve the option to just free themselves from this existence in peace. I despise how this society is so anti-suicide, the fact that suicide isn't accepted as a valid option just shows a lack of compassion.