Venting why do i still want to do it

[Rimiku]

i don't really know why i want to ctb anymore. i come up with reasons like there's no hope, no meaning, and even if i achieved something, it wouldn't matter in the face of death. death is just part of life so i shouldn't fear it, but these are just copes. i felt trapped by school, job pressure, and family, but now that i pushed through it, why do i still feel this way? nothing bad happened, but i have this feeling that nothing holds meaning. i already decided i wouldn't do it for something trivial, but i keep coming back to these thoughts. i'm not depressed, but i feel like i'm wasting my time. i still don't have a gf, never been in love, and i'm scared it would make it worse.