Why do I get doubts when finally faced with suicide, after years of being fully confident in doing it?

[catwalk]

For so many years, almost all my life, i've spent every second thinking "i can't do this any longer, i have to off myself". I'm like that literally 24/7 no matter what.

However when actually faced with it, when i have a close date and imagining of how it's about to go down - i always pussy out, doubting it.
I finally have an opportunity in a few days, but after 2 years of nothing but waiting for it, I just feel like backing out, even though i don't want to.

How do i stop this confusion?

 

[StarryStarry]

For so many years, almost all my life, i've spent every second thinking "i can't do this any longer, i have to off myself". I'm like that literally 24/7 no matter what.

However when actually faced with it, when i have a close date and imagining of how it's about to go down - i always pussy out, doubting it.
I finally have an opportunity in a few days, but after 2 years of nothing but waiting for it, I just feel like backing out, even though i don't want to.

How do i stop this confusion?

I'm going through the exact thing. It's a struggle in my mind whether I should ctb or continue to live. I have arguments in my head as to what I should do. Live or die? It's so tiring, I'm exhausted and frozen in place. I'm sorry you feel this way - it's awful.

 

[Crazy4u]

maybe you are not ready for CTB. How bad is your life right now? some people find it easier to ctb when they lose everything

 

[Ldog9]

Wish I could help. Every attempt I've had I've experienced the exact same thing. Waiting for some perfect opportunity, then when's it's there, wilting away. It's agonizing. Nice to know I'm not alone. In the past I've told myself I wasn't ready or my method wasn't right. Now I have n and can do it anytime, but when I think or plan, it's like I'm inducing a panic attack. Not sure if it si or what. Other people seem to be so calm and at peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

Maybe it could be the survival instinct. Even know we want to die we are programmed to survive. The survival instinct can be determined to keep us suffering. I believe that in many cases people are able to overcome this when they get completely desperate and they cannot bear the pain of living anymore. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

[Wrennie]

For so many years, almost all my life, i've spent every second thinking "i can't do this any longer, i have to off myself". I'm like that literally 24/7 no matter what.

However when actually faced with it, when i have a close date and imagining of how it's about to go down - i always pussy out, doubting it.
I finally have an opportunity in a few days, but after 2 years of nothing but waiting for it, I just feel like backing out, even though i don't want to.

How do i stop this confusion?

I know the feeling. The amygdala is like a separate entity from oneself (fine-tuned by billions of years of evolution) and overriding it is like trying to hack a supercomputer all while possessing zero tech knowhow. I almost want someone to use Focused Ultrasound to thermally ablate mine, lol (but then I'd just end up as a vegetable).

 

[Ldog9]

Yea, for me I suspect it's a combination of si and depression/anxiety. This is probably unscientific, but it's why they warn antidepressants on rare occasions can lead people to ctb. They are so severely depressed/anxious, that when take antidepressants, it alleviates enough of their symptoms to follow through.

 

[AtlasMik12]

Just went through that a few mins ago I had all ready to ctb, just started crying and couldn't do it. I guess it's because we're concious I am planning of getting drunk tmrrw and try again. Either way just know you are not alone in this, send me a message if you feel lonely.

 

[Ta555]

Yea, for me I suspect it's a combination of si and depression/anxiety. This is probably unscientific, but it's why they warn antidepressants on rare occasions can lead people to ctb. They are so severely depressed/anxious, that when take antidepressants, it alleviates enough of their symptoms to follow through.

No I don't think that's it. I think they can literally cause thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I took for two weeks and had awful thoughts of harming myself and others that I've never had before. It was like someone awful and evil had taken over my brain. It was strange and horrible enough to also make me want to kill myself. They do something to you that's for sure. Obviously it doesn't happen to everyone but when it does it's horrible.
@catwalk It might also depend on your method. Like when I thought I would just have to plain old hang myself in full I found the worse I felt and the more I thought I needed to ctb asap the more scared I got of the idea of hanging because it's painful and awful. It's like my brain was already stressed from whatever is wrong with it and then the idea of hanging on top of it was just freaking me out even more.
Now I've got nitrogen and it's a lot less scary though of course I still have doubts but thinking about going out with nitrogen doesn't freak me out nearly as much as hanging.

 

[Angi]

A little while ago, there was a post here by someone who said he spent 23 hours staring into his gun, almost shot himself, then went to work instead, and has gone back to trying life. I wish I could find it now. It was beautiful. I feel it would be relevant for your question, even though I am personally very clueless. Anyone who remembers this post and can find it?

 

[whatevs]

I know the feeling. The amygdala is like a separate entity from oneself (fine-tuned by billions of years of evolution) and overriding it is like trying to hack a supercomputer all while possessing zero tech knowhow. I almost want someone to use Focused Ultrasound to thermally ablate mine, lol (but then I'd just end up as a vegetable).

I'd like something similar but to never feel fear again, of any type. I would volunteer in a heartbeat for a safer experiment than the one you proposed

 

[TerminalConscience]

Afterlife fears?

 

[Ta555]

I know the feeling. The amygdala is like a separate entity from oneself (fine-tuned by billions of years of evolution) and overriding it is like trying to hack a supercomputer all while possessing zero tech knowhow. I almost want someone to use Focused Ultrasound to thermally ablate mine, lol (but then I'd just end up as a vegetable).

So this isn't actually entirely true or the whole story. It's kinda become a neuroscience urban myth that the amygdala is the fear centre. It originated with the neuroscience researcher Joseph Ledoux and he regrets it now because over decades of research he's shown that the conscious experience of fear isn't in the amygdala but rather your frontal cortex. The amygdala just makes you aware of threats but the emotion of fear isn't generated by the amygdala. People who have damaged or removed amygdalas can still experience fear. It's just that they don't notice threats much. But when a threat is directly pointed out to them they can still feel fear.
It's all very fascinating. If anyone is interested I strongly suggest looking up Joseph Ledoux in YouTube. He's given some very interesting interviews. He basically says our current mainstream treatments for anxiety are woefully inadequate. And he has a band called No Self No Fear. Coz that's the thing, if you got rid of the part of the brain that creates consciousness and your personality you'd feel no fear haha! The amygdala just notices threats but your frontal cortex generates that horrible feeling of panic/anxiety.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

For so many years, almost all my life, i've spent every second thinking "i can't do this any longer, i have to off myself". I'm like that literally 24/7 no matter what.

However when actually faced with it, when i have a close date and imagining of how it's about to go down - i always pussy out, doubting it.
I finally have an opportunity in a few days, but after 2 years of nothing but waiting for it, I just feel like backing out, even though i don't want to.

How do i stop this confusion?

maybe you use the thoughts of having the option to do it as comfort - maybe those thoughts are what you use to cope with life

 

[Foresight]

We have to try to let our minds go quiet and really have that conversation. Forget the noise of life and really ask yourself if you're ready. No doubt there are times when the answer is no. No doubt some people have felt that resounding yes. I just know if we choose not to go within like that on the day of death that answer will come to the surface. There's no turning back. I think that effect is often mixed up with SI when they are different. It's better to explore these questions while we have the time. I've been having this conversation with myself for a long time.

 

[jimmy7754]

I just want it to be easy.. morphine.. something to make it tolerable :( this isn't reality..

 

[rudebeat]

I think backing out of attempting suicide is an extremely normal thing that most people will have to go through again and again until
A ) Some new terrible thing happens to them that pushes you over the edge or
B ) You realize that if you keep on putting it off over and over again you could end up living decades longer than you'd planned for.

It's scary to me to see people on this site mention how they started being suicidal in their teens/twenties and then say that they're in their 30s or 40s. And a lot of the times these people don't seem any closer to actually carrying out their plan to ctb than they were decades ago. Also a lot of times I'll see people say they'll do it when something pushes them over the edge. Then, terrible thing after terrible thing happens to them, but they're still too scared to ctb. I used to try to do things that would make my life worse before I planned to ctb that would force me to not back out and even then I backed out.

This site has been a bit of a wake up call for me. I've realized that if I'm going to ctb then I'll have to do it on the date I planned (assuming something bad happens on that day). Otherwise I won't be able to bring myself to do it for years afterwards, because what's happening on my current ctb date is probably going to be the worst thing to happen to me for the next few years.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I'm going through the exact thing. It's a struggle in my mind whether I should ctb or continue to live. I have arguments in my head as to what I should do. Live or die? It's so tiring, I'm exhausted and frozen in place. I'm sorry you feel this way - it's awful.

I'm in the exact same state

We have to try to let our minds go quiet and really have that conversation. Forget the noise of life and really ask yourself if you're ready. No doubt there are times when the answer is no. No doubt some people have felt that resounding yes. I just know if we choose not to go within like that on the day of death that answer will come to the surface. There's no turning back. I think that effect is often mixed up with SI when they are different. It's better to explore these questions while we have the time. I've been having this conversation with myself for a long time.

I agree. I am even writing my own document about it.

 

[Angi]

We have to try to let our minds go quiet and really have that conversation. Forget the noise of life and really ask yourself if you're ready. No doubt there are times when the answer is no. No doubt some people have felt that resounding yes. I just know if we choose not to go within like that on the day of death that answer will come to the surface. There's no turning back. I think that effect is often mixed up with SI when they are different. It's better to explore these questions while we have the time. I've been having this conversation with myself for a long time.

Yes, thanks for spelling this out. Whether you kill yourself is a very important decision, merits thought, and the answer may be "No, I do not kill myself.", even when your life is full of shit. However, I see this phrased poorly often enough, so that the adressed person hears: "Your suffering is not heard.", "You do not suffer enough to justify suicide.", or some pro-life patitude, neither of which is helpful.

I think you must ask yourself whether you really want to go, and be open for your own answer. Particularily when you are about to leave.

 

[Chronicillness]

The short answer? Survival instincts. The long answer? Survival instincts. The simplest answer? Survival instincts.

In a way, it feels like there's a large reservoir of intelligence that gets sequestered away solely to support the brain's most important function: the instinct to survive, no matter the circumstances. Imagine if that intelligence that's reserved to ensure our species' survival was able to be transmuted at will into some other energy source that ultimately supported our creative intelligence.

 

[LADY007]

For so many years, almost all my life, i've spent every second thinking "i can't do this any longer, i have to off myself". I'm like that literally 24/7 no matter what.

However when actually faced with it, when i have a close date and imagining of how it's about to go down - i always pussy out, doubting it.
I finally have an opportunity in a few days, but after 2 years of nothing but waiting for it, I just feel like backing out, even though i don't want to.

How do i stop this confusion?

I believe we could answer the question if we knew for sure that we won't fail. Pretend you happen to know it will totally go as planned.. Then ask yourself what is stopping you.