why do i feel mentally better but still want to ctb?

[black.dahlia]

basically the title. i feel so much better than the last couple years but i still cant picture myself in the future being nothing but dead. does this mean i should still ctb soon? is a part of me broken? will i ever be genuinely happy or is this the best itll get?

 

[CentreMid]

Ultimately it's your decision to make. That being said, I don't believe there's a specific state you have to be in to "qualify" for suicide. Peple end their lives for all sorts of reasons, some of whom are "stable". There are plenty of non-mental illness reasons why someone would choose to ctb (ie. physical illness, the declining state of the world, finances, etc.) Regardless of what you choose, there are people here who will support you and the path you take.

I relate to what you're feeling right now. I myself have gotten better at managing my mental illnesses/learning disabilites, and my quality of life has significantly improved, but there's still a part of me that doesn't see myself living for much longer. For me, it never goes away, it only fluctuates in severity depending on the circumstance.

Anywho, best of luck in whatever you choose. Take care.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

I get this feeling 100% especially this past year. I say if I decide to ultimately ctb it will probably be a happy suicide. One where I guess I was finally content. But then again I bounce back right to the thick of my depression and still want to ctb. I still don't fully understand why. That and I always have the image of my ghost still being quite young. Could be because I'm afraid of getting old and watching the world crumble to pieces and I don't want to see it.

I don't think it necessarily means that we're broken, or anything of the like, you may experience a greater happy than where you currently are, even if you still have the desire to ctb later.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

basically the title. i feel so much better than the last couple years but i still cant picture myself in the future being nothing but dead. does this mean i should still ctb soon? is a part of me broken? will i ever be genuinely happy or is this the best itll get?

Sooner or later we all are gonna die whether naturally or via CTB. Ultimately it's your own personal decision. Obviously you don't expect a bright future for yourself and this is sth I can relate to.

I feel much better than I did when I joined the forum a few months ago. I was totally depressed and was so close to CTB but right now I don't have a strong urge to do it, though I still have the option to go whenever I want should circumstances change again.

 

[Duality]

It doesn't mean you should CTB soon. It is your choice, and there should be no pressure or rush. You do it when you feel like you should. If you're not sure when to do it, then that's ok too. You can plan for it now, and if you get too tired to continue, do it later. If you don't want to continue planning the next day, then don't do it and it's ok putting it off until you're ready to plan again.

I'll mention, it helped me to accept that I feel better than years before, but that I still would like to kill myself one day because I am tired of living. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being in a better spot mentally, and even taking steps for things to be better, but still wanting to die.

 

[Holu]

Are you on medication? Lots of prescribed antidepressants and psychotics will blunt your emotions, but might not necessarily make your ideation go away. You might feel considerably worse but still bad because of this.

Otherwise, i guess it's possibly due to over reflection, as looking back can always make the past seem worse or better than it is nowadays. Maybe you are worse now but ultimately you kno best.

As for whether or not you will get happy I don't know if that's for anyone to say. I don't really want to accidentally influence you down either path, as I think it's your choice to make.

Regardless of what you do I wish you the best in your endeavors. Should life be better atm, then I will hope that it will continue to get better.

 

[CW36]

basically the title. i feel so much better than the last couple years but i still cant picture myself in the future being nothing but dead. does this mean i should still ctb soon? is a part of me broken? will i ever be genuinely happy or is this the best itll get?

I believe some are born with that urge, or at least grow into the idea early. Even when I was living my absolute best life, the allure was always there. That fascination with death and what comes next never leaves us. I've always known I'd take my life on my own terms. Besides, I don't want to suffer growing old and fading away in some care home, playing checkers and sipping soup. The dignity disappearing by the day, begging for death whichever way. Thanks, but no thanks

 

[black.dahlia]

Are you on medication? Lots of prescribed antidepressants and psychotics will blunt your emotions, but might not necessarily make your ideation go away. You might feel considerably worse but still bad because of this.

Otherwise, i guess it's possibly due to over reflection, as looking back can always make the past seem worse or better than it is nowadays. Maybe you are worse now but ultimately you kno best.

As for whether or not you will get happy I don't know if that's for anyone to say. I don't really want to accidentally influence you down either path, as I think it's your choice to make.

Regardless of what you do I wish you the best in your endeavors. Should life be better atm, then I will hope that it will continue to get better.

yeah, im on medication. thought starting to take it would help me be better. its weird feeling like this though, its like a chemical happy. the absoluteness of the depression is something id much rather honestly, at least im not second guessing what my emotions are so much

 

[Holu]

yeah, im on medication. thought starting to take it would help me be better. its weird feeling like this though, its like a chemical happy. the absoluteness of the depression is something id much rather honestly, at least im not second guessing what my emotions are so much

Hmm. If I can ask what medication. I've taken an anti depressant, an SSRI, and currently am on an antipsycho and all of them just dulled my emotions as opposed to a chemical happiness.

Also how long have you been taking you medication? If you have been taking for at least a month, is this a recent thing?

Ultimately, if we choose to fixate only on the medication, this would be a problem for your psychiatrist. If you think the cause of your uplifted mood is something else than feel free to explain. Regardless I'd still contact your psychiatrist about this.

 

[black.dahlia]

Hmm. If I can ask what medication. I've taken an anti depressant, an SSRI, and currently am on an antipsycho and all of them just dulled my emotions as opposed to a chemical happiness.

Also how long have you been taking you medication? If you have been taking for at least a month, is this a recent thing?

Ultimately, if we choose to fixate only on the medication, this would be a problem for your psychiatrist. If you think the cause of your uplifted mood is something else than feel free to explain. Regardless I'd still contact your psychiatrist about this.

im on paxil for anxiety and depression. ive taken so many different medications before, they all blur together after a while. ive been on it for the last month, so it just started to kick in.
honestly, i think im genuinely starting to feel much better than i have before. the last couple years have been the worst in my entire life, and the fact i didnt kill myself actually stresses me out a little? i dont want to live, but i dont have the constant urge to kill myself. its like its engraved itself in my brain because i thought about it so much. not to mention how everyone considers suicide to be selfish and horrible around me, its like i want to ctb but i dont at the same time.

 

[Holu]

im on paxil for anxiety and depression. ive taken so many different medications before, they all blur together after a while. ive been on it for the last month, so it just started to kick in.
honestly, i think im genuinely starting to feel much better than i have before. the last couple years have been the worst in my entire life, and the fact i didnt kill myself actually stresses me out a little? i dont want to live, but i dont have the constant urge to kill myself. its like its engraved itself in my brain because i thought about it so much. not to mention how everyone considers suicide to be selfish and horrible around me, its like i want to ctb but i dont at the same time.

In truth I can't really make the judgement of whether or not you are better, but it sounds like you at least believe you are, especially if you're not dealing with the constant urge. Honestly, the thought that even if the urge goes away I might still reflexively feel that way is a bit jarring to me atm.

Also, I can't speak for everyone, but there have been and still are times where I believe I don't want to die. Maybes it's SI, maybe it's trained into us, or maybe it's what I really want. I don't really have an explanation for it.

Finally, worth mentioning that just because it's starting to diminish in intensity does not actually mean it's better. If you're concerned that you should feel better because your anguish seems like it's lessened, I'd recommend doing what you can to internally combat that notion. For obvious reasons it's gonna take a while, and maybe if you continue feeling better than time might actually assist you.

Regardless of whatever decision you make next, we as a community are here to support you. As always feel free to pm me if you need anything.