Discussion Why did you start cutting?

[lixt]

What was the reason you started cutting? Mine was to feel something again.

 

[UserHussein]

I have scars on my arm from the time I tried to kill myself with a razor blade in High School due to poor academic performance, caused by the COVID lockdown and the isolation which ensued.

 

[broth0100]

Cuz i was depressed n lonely n hated myself and i wanted other ppl to kno this without me having to tell them. I dont show my scars or cuts for no reason anymore tho

 

[throneofdispair03]

I felt like i deserved it, but then it kinda turned into a habit. I've stopped cause my parents check my body every while or so.

 

[SillyGirl>_<]

I got a intrusive thought to cut myself after one of the times I got kicked out, I let the thought win and it felt so good; like a mix of adrenaline, excitement and it calmed me and turned me on a lot.

 

[sorlox]

I was frustrated and i wanted to kms. first cuts were just me checking the "ground". After that i started to enjoy it, cutting myself was strangely delightful with that mix of fear and relief. When my hand started to look like a bloodshed, i stopped to prevent suspicions.
Now i'm doing it as a self-punishment (with caution though).

 

[4am]

scars are beautiful :3

 

[winamp]

I do not like crying so I think I did it because it was the only thing to stop or prevent crying

also I think it has something to do with me going from nail biting -> skin picking -> hair plucking so when those stopped working for me as distractions from whatever was happening in my mind or stress or the things around me

I tried cutting just to see what it was like and if it would work after receiving a box cutter during one of the worst months of my life in a kit on one of birthdays

although in the past before that particular birthday I have tried before but it wasn't effective due to the tools that were available (eyebrow razors)

I have been doing it for about 3-5 years on and off and no one in my real life knows or has seen my scars

 

[EvisceratedJester]

My mom couldn't find her keys one morning and she was running late for school (she was in college at the time). She blamed me for it and threatened me if I didn't find them before she came home (I don't exactly remember was the threat was, but it was probably something I've heard before). I ended up panicking and spent the entire morning turning the apartment upside down trying to look for them. I eventually got so stressed out that I walked into the kitchen, took a knife, and started cutting myself along my wrist. I was being a bit overdramatic at the time, now looking back at it as an adult, but in all fairness I was around 12 when this happened.

Since then, I've mainly been usung cutting as a form of stress relief and self punishment, along with other types of self-harm. I honestly find that it helps me with coping with my emotions a lot more in comparison to other coping methods that are usually promoted.

 

[Kish]

3 years ago, I tried to end my life by cutting, but unfortunately, I wasn't successful.

 

[Malaria]

I've technically been self harming since around nine or ten years old, except I would scratch/punch myself in the face. I liked the idea that I could hide my scars, so I started taking a pair of scissors and cut my arms, thighs, and breasts when I was 16.

As for why I self harm at all... I hate myself and feel like I deserve to be harmed. But also it feels like a "release" when my emotions are too painful and overwhelming. It feels like I'm giving a "form" to my pain, it feels like a way for me to express my pain in a way words wouldn't be able to.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I don't think there is much of a reason. I just started and have been doing it since then.

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

i was curious. curiosity killed the cat xP

 

[Sylveon]

Ah, my reason for starting was kinda lame; it was a small episode of paranoia two years ago, prolly caused by intense stress, if I had to take a guess... Nowadays, I just cut myself for a bunch of generic reasons, sometimes for no reason at all.

 

[falling_snow]

idk, it felt good. it was like a friend was cutting herself and i thought "oh. maybe thats a good idea to stop my suicidal ideations, shes here afterall" it wasnt. she was a edgy whore who liked showing off her scars. i was a dumb kid who didnt know what to do.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Ironically the idea came about after seeing a BBC documentary when I was mega stressed at uni and I found it massively helped with distraction and easing frustrations. (How naive was I to have not thought about it myself)

But had to stop because was getting harder to hide the scars (mainly hips/legs). I sort of wanted someone to see and ask and check in with me and help somehow, but I would just freeze and lie and avoid as I'd not have the words to say. Still don't 10+ years later. So have to avoid obvious scars to avoid frustration at failing to communicate and thus causing more concern.

Now I tend to scratch or punch or burn/scald - stuff that can be brushed aside as incidental. Bit like an old banger car - so many bumps and scrapes that a few extra or new scabs/scars are hardly noticeable, as long as they're not obvious cut lines.

I also now find it helps me 'feel something' or bring me back when I am frozen or totally lost. Though been getting super on edge and frustrated again more recently and trying to avoid the urge for big cuts again. Dabbled in a few subtle smaller ones.

 

[heysunshine]

I was frustrated and i wanted to kms. first cuts were just me checking the "ground". After that i started to enjoy it, cutting myself was strangely delightful with that mix of fear and relief.

yeah this sounds a lot like my experience. I was around 11 or 12 when i first started. I felt frustrated, angry, anxious and depressed. I felt invisible and like I was constantly screaming at the top of my lungs, but I had no voice -- or not one that people would listen to. Like screaming into a void. I tried to be seen. My whole life i wanted to belong and participate. But I couldn't? I couldn't figure out how to make those connections, and instead of help, I was degraded and made fun of by my parents. I was chubby, and awkward, and liked different activities than other kids. I tried to escape reality through imagination and personal hobbies, but it just got me labeled as weird and socially awkward. I felt like I got to a point where I was so angry, alone, and in fantasy that I didn't feal real anymore. My family mocked me. I had no friends. I started scratching and hitting myself at first when i would get really upset, like almost to get back at them, or myself. As I got older, I tried cutting myself to see if maybe I could feel something more, or even better, die. It turned into relief and enjoyment; maybe even pleasure in a way. I look/ed forward it more than almost anything. I would fantasize about it. I thought my scars were so beautiful at first because they reminded me of that high. Then it turned to self-loathing and more anxiety as I tried to hide them. And that spiral just sort of continued to now. I'm sorry you felt such overwhelming numbness you sh. I wish things were different (better) for all of us. <3 i wish you the best

 

[qu13t5l33p]

I was 16 and in a residential treatment center. Most of the other girls were cutting regularly, or had scars. I just wanted to fit in and started cutting. I wasn't expecting the emotional release it gave me. It felt so good.

 

[lixt]

I was 16 and in a residential treatment center. Most of the other girls were cutting regularly, or had scars. I just wanted to fit in and started cutting. I wasn't expecting the emotional release it gave me. It felt so good.

What's a treatment center? Is it like a psych ward?

 

[dogbreath]

Originally did it for attention. Was 12 and using tumblr and learned about self harm there. Did it cause it was the only way I could get love and attention from parents. Now I do it cause I think it's pretty and kind of a kink lol. But also cause it's kind of a way to test my strength and prove that I'm not weak.

 

[Kamchatki]

I don't really know. It just kinda came to me. I was cleaning my razor blade after shaving and then i thought: "Why not?"

 

[qu13t5l33p]

What's a treatment center? Is it like a psych ward?

Kind of. Psych wards are designed to be short and temporary, where the patients somewhat stabilize and try new meds/ECT. Psych wards can refer patients to long term treatment centers. Some are locked, like a year long psych ward stay. Others are unlocked, and usually have off-site activities, like hikes or arcades etc. It just depends on what psychiatrists decide, and sometimes what insurance covers.

 

[Naked Weapon]

Because I hated my body and wanted to flay myself free. I knew that it wasn't realistic to expect death from what I was doing but it felt nice to see me damage the one thing that brought me so much pain.

 

[lita-lassi]

i was stuck with an abuser and losing my mind. i was trying so hard to stay sober and was stuck in panic attacks constantly. his dog had just nearly killed my cat, the closest thing to a kid ill ever have ($6k surgery and a month long recovery after the er vet), i was literally stuck inside caring for her and losing my sanity entirely over how shitty i felt because of this asshole every second of every day. i was 29 and had never self harmed before in my life, i just snapped one day after he yelled again, grabbed an exacto knife and made a bunch of lines on my upper thigh. it didnt give me much release but the pain distracted me enough that i didnt want to relapse quite so hard. it didnt become a habit after only 2 sessions thankfully but ill still have these marks for the rest of my life

 

[picklemeow]

What was the reason you started cutting? Mine was to feel something again.

I started just to "punish" myself, I was young when I started so my parents didn't think I was capable of doing that to myself (or even old enough to understand mental health etc) I had to stop, since I got every razor/sharp metal things taken away from me.

 

[FujoshiNeet]

I have so much anger. No one deserves to feel my anger, so I turn it on to myself. The calmness after feels so addicting.

 

[bugs_for_brains]

Only recently started cutting. I've been a long time self harmer but until the past month or so I would just punch, slap and scratch myself. I started cutting bc I'm fed up and the previous methods aren't doing shit for me now. Bruises take to long to show, scratch marks fade too quick and I started feeling like its not "good enough". Plus I scratched myself really bad a while ago and I was obsessed with the mark it left (it's still there now but u wouldn't notice unless I pointed it out) and I accidentally made it bleed after it scabbed and the dark blood running down my skin ignited smth in me and I had a huge need to see myself bleed more.

 

[tryingtoquietdown]

I started because I hated my body and wanted to punish myself. Then it became a mix of punishment, culling my emotional pain with physical pain, and wanting to physically prove to myself that my emotional pain was real. Nowadays I self-harm when I'm in an anxiety attack and can't calm down any other way.

Only recently started cutting. I've been a long time self harmer but until the past month or so I would just punch, slap and scratch myself. I started cutting bc I'm fed up and the previous methods aren't doing shit for me now. Bruises take to long to show, scratch marks fade too quick and I started feeling like its not "good enough". Plus I scratched myself really bad a while ago and I was obsessed with the mark it left (it's still there now but u wouldn't notice unless I pointed it out) and I accidentally made it bleed after it scabbed and the dark blood running down my skin ignited smth in me and I had a huge need to see myself bleed more.

My method of SH went from scratching to cutting for the exact same reason: it wasn't "enough." It was triggered when my therapist didn't think my SH was that bad because I scratched myself, but not enough to bleed. I'm sorry you're going through that, but I get it. Scars are immensely satisfying to collect in a fucked up way.

 

[bugs_for_brains]

wanting to physically prove to myself that my emotional pain was real

Yep that's almost word for word what I wrote down in my journal when I was starting.

I also felt bad when telling my psychiatrist abt me scratching myself and stuff bc it was so tame that it didn't feel worth bringing up.

 

[theboy]

was in a toxic relationship