coldcontact
What i Want is Nothing
- Mar 7, 2023
- 14
It's almost started resembling OCD in a way. I randomly become scared to eat certain foods, because I feel like they will kill me, from food poisoning or that somehow I'm allergic to them suddenly. It makes no sense and I logically know that it's completely irrational yet it still makes me scared to eat them.
I became convinced I was diabetic and became scared to consume carbs. Funnily my sugar cravings usually beat out this fear and I end up eating it anyways and only worrying afterwards. Deep down I'm still not convinced I'm not diabetic even after blood tests.
I even stopped cutting entirely because I became too paranoid that even small cuts would get infected and lead to sepsis. I suppose that's not a bad thing, but for years I cut with the same dull blood stained razors, never cleaned the cuts properly, and never had any issues or gave it any thought. Just goes to show how my mind shifted.
Not to mention some actual weird symptoms I've had since I had COVID this winter. Certainly didn't help. Also I stay up all night every night so I feel like shit physically anyways. It's fucking stupid how worrying about my health somehow only leads me to neglect and sabotage it further.
I'm not even sure I want to die, but I can't shake the feeling that one of these days my heart is just gonna give out from stress and poor health, and I kind of want to take myself out before that happens, you know?
I became convinced I was diabetic and became scared to consume carbs. Funnily my sugar cravings usually beat out this fear and I end up eating it anyways and only worrying afterwards. Deep down I'm still not convinced I'm not diabetic even after blood tests.
I even stopped cutting entirely because I became too paranoid that even small cuts would get infected and lead to sepsis. I suppose that's not a bad thing, but for years I cut with the same dull blood stained razors, never cleaned the cuts properly, and never had any issues or gave it any thought. Just goes to show how my mind shifted.
Not to mention some actual weird symptoms I've had since I had COVID this winter. Certainly didn't help. Also I stay up all night every night so I feel like shit physically anyways. It's fucking stupid how worrying about my health somehow only leads me to neglect and sabotage it further.
I'm not even sure I want to die, but I can't shake the feeling that one of these days my heart is just gonna give out from stress and poor health, and I kind of want to take myself out before that happens, you know?
