reeyoouu
kuromi luvr
- Sep 14, 2023
- 8
If only there was a better and peaceful way out of this world, I love everyone who cares about me but I dont want to make it seem like I'm selfish for what I'm about to do sooner in the near future.
I have been unconciously telling myself that I'm going to kill myself whether it would be in a jokingly manner or when I'm dead serious. At this point, I have trained my brain to eventually do the unthinkable with ease if given the equipment because I'll fucking do that shit if it means to not be able to see the light of day ever again. I'm tired of the same shit, I'm tired of explaining how did my day go when it's basicially the same thing. Why long for better days when you are trapped all alone inside this dark void, unable to think nor care about anything or anyone? I feel happy for 1 or 2 days and then BOOM, fuck. This is too much for my slowly dying soul to handle. I hate slowburn, might as well end it and get over it yea? Haha, just a thought...
But that's what makes it so hard... how are they going to react when I'm gone? If only I didn't come from a loving family, then I wouldn't care much about it and neither will they. Probably when I'm out of this house and I'm on my own then I'll be gone without a trace, disappearing in thin air.
I'll continue to suffer quietly but they'll be okay, but when I'll be dead, they'll be sad.. I FUCKING HATE THIS.. WHY??? WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL?? WHY DO I CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK??? FUCKING EMPATHETIC BITCH GODDAMNIT.
Also, reaching out to people doesn't help me, I've done it multiple times but it only ever made me feel better temporarily and then I'll go back to feeling like shit again. Constantly reaching out feels like a chore and it feels like I'm adding more problems and burden to the person I'm talking to.
I am not okay and I'll never be okay, if I said I was, then I was lying because I couldn't bother telling you everything that has been going on with my life... that's it, as simple as that. And if I was okay for a short period of time, then great! Watch my smile slowly drain out of my face as I remember the harsh reality of life. No "it is what it is", "you got this", or "it's gonna be okay" will save me, I was already broken and the scar was never healed since then.
I'm just hoping that soon I'll die without ever attempting to die... death will just casually greet me himself, I need him to come and pick me up ASAP or else I'll just come to his doorstep unanounced instead.
I have been unconciously telling myself that I'm going to kill myself whether it would be in a jokingly manner or when I'm dead serious. At this point, I have trained my brain to eventually do the unthinkable with ease if given the equipment because I'll fucking do that shit if it means to not be able to see the light of day ever again. I'm tired of the same shit, I'm tired of explaining how did my day go when it's basicially the same thing. Why long for better days when you are trapped all alone inside this dark void, unable to think nor care about anything or anyone? I feel happy for 1 or 2 days and then BOOM, fuck. This is too much for my slowly dying soul to handle. I hate slowburn, might as well end it and get over it yea? Haha, just a thought...
But that's what makes it so hard... how are they going to react when I'm gone? If only I didn't come from a loving family, then I wouldn't care much about it and neither will they. Probably when I'm out of this house and I'm on my own then I'll be gone without a trace, disappearing in thin air.
I'll continue to suffer quietly but they'll be okay, but when I'll be dead, they'll be sad.. I FUCKING HATE THIS.. WHY??? WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL?? WHY DO I CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK??? FUCKING EMPATHETIC BITCH GODDAMNIT.
Also, reaching out to people doesn't help me, I've done it multiple times but it only ever made me feel better temporarily and then I'll go back to feeling like shit again. Constantly reaching out feels like a chore and it feels like I'm adding more problems and burden to the person I'm talking to.
I am not okay and I'll never be okay, if I said I was, then I was lying because I couldn't bother telling you everything that has been going on with my life... that's it, as simple as that. And if I was okay for a short period of time, then great! Watch my smile slowly drain out of my face as I remember the harsh reality of life. No "it is what it is", "you got this", or "it's gonna be okay" will save me, I was already broken and the scar was never healed since then.
I'm just hoping that soon I'll die without ever attempting to die... death will just casually greet me himself, I need him to come and pick me up ASAP or else I'll just come to his doorstep unanounced instead.
