Venting Why can't I get better and why don't I want to?

[baller]

I dont want to get better. I feel horrible for it and I don't know why i want this. I don't want change, I want to wallow in my sadness because I know that even if I have nothing, this will always be here. Maybe I love being sad cause I feel like i've finally got a reason for people to give a shit about me. Even If I could get better, I so genuinely don't deserve it. I've had every chance to better myself and i've pushed it all away. That shit makes me feel so bad cause I know i'm still hurting other people but i'm so fucking selfish that i don't want to do anything about it.

I also literally don't think I can get better, Last time I went to the doctor she was like 'why do you feel this way, you have family and friends, you have no reason to feel this way'

I have every tool at my disposal, I have therapy to give me skills, medication to give me room to do work but I don't want to do any of it. It truly is all my fault and i'm only beyond saving cause i dont want to be saved.

sorry this whole thing is so contradictory and confusing

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It seems you receive treatment already. I wanted too ask you what must change for you to "feel better" - I mean this in a way if your current state is induced by external circumstances that make you depressed / suicidal. If that is the case, even if you don't recognize it, you won't get better unless those circumstances change. If it's "genetically" treatment is a lot harder imo.

 

[Sk1rtd4b]

I dont want to get better. I feel horrible for it and I don't know why i want this. I don't want change, I want to wallow in my sadness because I know that even if I have nothing, this will always be here. Maybe I love being sad cause I feel like i've finally got a reason for people to give a shit about me. Even If I could get better, I so genuinely don't deserve it. I've had every chance to better myself and i've pushed it all away. That shit makes me feel so bad cause I know i'm still hurting other people but i'm so fucking selfish that i don't want to do anything about it.

I also literally don't think I can get better, Last time I went to the doctor she was like 'why do you feel this way, you have family and friends, you have no reason to feel this way'

I have every tool at my disposal, I have therapy to give me skills, medication to give me room to do work but I don't want to do any of it. It truly is all my fault and i'm only beyond saving cause i dont want to be saved.

sorry this whole thing is so contradictory and confusing

Those words from the doctor truly make me mad. I honestly think you just explained a lot of my reasoning for having similar thoughts too, I just didn't know how to put it in words. But the thing is, I have a reason for people to give a shit about me, but I don't want them to waste their time giving a shit about me because it would make me feel selfish

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think depression/ low mood/ melancholy- whatever you want to call it can begin to become familiar and safe. I relate to this a lot. I tend to wallow in feeling unhappy.

Plus, to be brutally honest, it's passive, verging on lazy. It takes effort and discomfort to keep challenging the way you feel. To take action too. To do positive things in life- whatever they may be- find a new job, study, travel, socialise more, go to evening classes, take up new hobbies. All that requires effort and money. It can put us in situations we feel uncomfortable in too because they're new. It means challenging ourselves and maybe, we're just too tired to do that. So, I think sometimes we just don't have the energy for all that. I've heard 'depressed' being broken up into: 'deep rest'. So- the body and mind insisting that it needs a break.

I'm absolutely in that phase. I've pretty much told myself I don't intend to really challenge myself in life now. I've already done all that shit for a start and it wasn't really worth it. Have you made previous attempts to better your mood/ situation that haven't worked out entirely? Maybe that's a factor. But no, I'm treating myself with an easier life for the remaining time I'm stuck here.

Also, I wonder if you have experienced major crashes after happier periods in life? I wonder if that also plays a part in you wanting to keep things on a more even keel- even if it happens to be a more pessimistic state. Pushing towards anything positive in life sadly leaves us open to failure and loss which can be hugely off putting. It does tend to make you think- should I bother to begin with?

As to feeling bad that you don't even want to get better, I suppose you might be able to use that guilt to motivate you- if there is still some part of you somewhere that wants to recover. I've never really felt that guilt because I don't think my life- beyond what effect my suicide would have on the last remaining loved one really matters to me. I've at least felt comfortable with the idea of force quiting early since childhood.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I also became passive. I don't want help anymore. I don't want anything anymore. I don't do anything to make myself better. I feel quite comfortable doing nothing and fantasize about cbt. I stopped taking medication and today I'll tell my therapist I don't longer want any kind of help and give my spot to someone else who wants help.

 

[fleetingnight]

Change is frightening. I'm sorry your doctor was so invalidating, you should look into switching doctors if you can. They should know not to say a thing like that.

 

[wsx-rt]

People just want to be left alone

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I don't want to get better either.