Venting why can things never get good enough

[blissful]

It's been so many years and things were starting to finally get better being done with a treatment soon for a medical thing I was born with that's made life so hard and expensive (not going to go into specifics since treatment is expensive and I don't want to be identifiable)

I had improved myself a lot and been with my partner for about 8 months (in total since our break was short and due to me just not being great, almost 2 years like a month or so away) who is really the only person that I think I have ever felt actual love for (at least i can't think of my previous relationship ever being comparable but it was years ago)

There finally was a job opening that I could apply for that paid pretty okay but nothing amazing but it was at least a source of income.

I get to go on vacation for the first time this year only to have everything fall apart, the job offer closed, family treated me like shit for the first day we got there and then the 2nd day there I get broken up with.


The worst part for me is my relationship since it's really hard for me to fall in love with somebody and I have been in love with them for almost 4 years. Before it was because I wouldn't do enough or I had X flaw and I agreed and I worked on myself and got a lot better and it made me so happy to see progress, then around 2 months later they're more comfortable with me again (they don't like when I get unstable or at least didn't because they had been going through a lot) and we slowly phase back into being together. They've introduced me to so many things a lot of my interests (not all of course) were either ones we shared or ones they showed me, same with music, kinks, animals we like, things we do, etc. Then things keep getting better and we're showing each other cool stuff about where we live and everything we will do together and I spend all day packing and talk to them before i go to sleep and I mention how exhausted I am from packing for everybody (family was busy so I did all the packing for the most part) and they comfort me and say how they love me and then 2 days later breaks up with me. It's because they can't deal with distance since were unable to see each other, we both don't really like online dating but we kind of made an exception because we loved each other so much, but we made it clear we wanted to meet as soon as we could (different countries) I have done some research since and at every single fucking point there has to be something that goes wrong. Passport for country I have roots in, oh turns out they changed the law last year and would have to spend over ten thousand dollars to get it and it would take over a year. Coming from current country, no special privileges. We both agreed we would have to live at least nearby but I feel like there's no point trying anymore.

I feel like even if I get everything to work out I'll just be replaced and they'll find somebody new (when we took a break it was 2 months or so and they at some point had started to feel something about somebody else but never anything too serious) and because it's so hard for me and I acknowledge that I'm weird and stupid and don't fit in with most people, finding somebody else that I would like enough to date or whatever would be so fucking hard. And it's made even worse that I would just tell my parents about this because I'm lucky enough to have a family where money isn't an issue but I don't get any of the benefits from it. All of the fun and care is spent on my sibling and almost never on me, medical stuff I cost a good amount but even when I was a kid I would want a different pair of shoes for when it rains and they would say no meanwhile my sibling had like 5 pairs of shoes vs my 1. I've grown to accept to just not ask for anything but even if I did ask for anything how do I tell them that I'm in love with somebody I've never met and I will probably lose out on them forever if I don't find some way to move in with them. It's not like I don't want to move in with them I do I always have once I started to learn more about them and see more about them, it's just the fact I medically can't until my treatment is done (about 6 months) and I don't even have a passport even though I keep asking if I can apply.

It doesn't help that I have no friends in person (I'm aware when people say "I have no friends" they have friends but I genuinely don't now that I'm not in school) I took a gap year since I was doing really really bad mentally and was still in the middle of treatment (I can't really move with how travel demanding it is) I could maybe go when I'm done but I'm starting to just lose all hope. I might try to tell my parents about them and just see if there's anything we can do but it's so soul crushing to have things start to get better and finally be happy about your future to have everything ripped from you and be forced to just watch everything fall apart around you. I don't even know what's going to happen with my treatment because I'm meant to not be stressed during it yet for the past few days I have been crying and bawling my eyes out for fucking hours. They don't mind that I cry to them because they struggle with empathy but it still makes me feel so awful I feel like I'm just grabbing onto them and dragging them down with me.

I get therapy and it doesn't do anything my therapist doesn't even know that I self harm because I just punch myself it's not like I cut to where they could tell. If it gets to the point where I give up it's not like I can do that anyway because they installed nets to stop jumpers and I don't think there's any other option where I am.

I don't know if I have even talked about the title but it feels like my life has a cap on it, I don't believe in any supernatural whatever stuff but it's as if I've been cursed and if my life gets too good then it snaps down to being horrible again. As if too many good things were happening recently that caused things to just crash. And it's not like I can do anything about it this time, I can't move in with them and I can't move near them and by the time that I can I'll be replaced. I'm sitting here forced to watch everything I've ever enjoyed or been excited about be torn apart and have nothing I can do about it at all. I look back at when I was feeling like shit because of when we took a break before and I genuinely reminisce over those times, how I fucking wish I had something to do this time even if I was broken up with 10 times and given something to improve on for even a sliver of a chance with them again I would. I know that I'll never lose interest in them and we both acknowledged it. I'm scared that this is the end, even if they said they don't want to be together for another year but they'll wait for me to move in I would be so happy, it of course would hurt going a year without being with them but I'm okay with that.

I feel so selfish for wanting them reserved just for me but they were so happy, they genuinely loved me and said how they stayed through so much (distance) and pushed through more than they had for anybody before, and likely ever will. And all I want is more, I can't just be normal and accept that I lost them and there's nothing I can do to get them back. It hurts so much though it's like I was genetically modified to be born in the place, born in the wrong way, and with the wrong traits. Everything about this is so annoying, I was gifted to be born into a family where even in times like this we're perfectly fine financially but I have yet to see a single fucking benefit from it ever and the fact I even expect some benefit makes me feel selfish I just hate how every time I've gotten lucky its always lucky* with a fucking catch at the end as if I'm lucky but only lucky for a few months and then this thing will go away or I'm lucky in practice but no real benefit from it.

I can't even talk to people about this because I hate talking to them about this because I just want them to be happy and enjoy the remainder of their break. And the few friends I have are either younger than me or so busy that I can never talk to them. I never ever want to vent to someone younger than me I know it's fine to do but I feel like I should be the responsible person and not put stuff on them. At every single fucking point I feel so selfish about everything even though I know I shouldn't. This breakup is not my fault and yet I'm the one who feels awful about it, they of course do too but they're a lot healthier than I am. It feels like there's no chance for me to come back and get better and no chance for me to ever give up.

I don't even know if anything I've typed makes any sense and I'll probably delete it anyway because I know my internal ramblings are annoying and selfish but I don't know, I just hope that somebody sees this and has some sort of advice to give. I really don't want to give up I've always wanted to get better but there's nothing I can do at this point. If all of this comes across as just bitching and moaning and like teenager drama whatever, please say it to me in a nice way I don't tell anybody anything really so I genuinely don't know how delusional or realistic I am but I don't mean to be stupid.

 

[timf]

Having emotions in an environment you do not have control over can result is the frustration of dealing with the effects of which you cannot control. Often self harm is a result of trying to feel some control. If you can see on the horizon a time when you will have more control, you might consider in preparation what steps you would take to use that control to build a happier life.

For many people they consider when they leave home or graduate school is the time when they will be able to do what they want. Often what happens is different than what they had expected. For that reason preparation of contingency plans can be helpful.

The pain of a breakup can fade but often slowly. However, it can be useful to consider why so that in the future one can learn to avoid what they should have seen in the first place like, "Boy I'm never going to date someone who sets fire to small animals again".

 

[blissful]

Having emotions in an environment you do not have control over can result is the frustration of dealing with the effects of which you cannot control. Often self harm is a result of trying to feel some control. If you can see on the horizon a time when you will have more control, you might consider in preparation what steps you would take to use that control to build a happier life.

For many people they consider when they leave home or graduate school is the time when they will be able to do what they want. Often what happens is different than what they had expected. For that reason preparation of contingency plans can be helpful.

The pain of a breakup can fade but often slowly. However, it can be useful to consider why so that in the future one can learn to avoid what they should have seen in the first place like, "Boy I'm never going to date someone who sets fire to small animals again".

thank you for responding, i was starting to think my post was getting buried and wouldn't get a response. It really does mean a lot, thank you.

You're pretty spot on I mostly think I self harm because it's a form of self inflicted and more importantly identifiable pain, I know where it's from and can control when it happens. It makes me feel safer, not better, because it feels like I still have some sort of control over anything. although it's starting to hurt more and more realizing that's the only thing I have. This is really the first time somebody has ever accurately predicted or described why I self harm, so many people nowadays view it as something just for attention or to make yourself feel worse (some people do that of course but I think majority of people don't and just never talk about their self harming.) The problem is I don't know if I see a time in the future, that I can make it to, where I'll have more control. It's so impossible to find a job where I live and even if I do end up finding something I feel like I'll just end up feeling worse knowing I'm exactly where I am now just with a minimum wage source of income, with nothing to use it on. I really do want to have a future where I have control or even just something to look forward to and I did have that in my relationship but I have no idea if things will end up working out.

I've yet to go to college even though I want to, I don't trust myself to live all alone and I've yet to ever get properly checked for everything mental health wise, I only recently got a therapist and I barely trust them enough. I hope to be able to one day leave home but I don't know if that's a possibility for me, at least right now. I got into a college at one of my most favorite places on earth, such a beautiful area, and yet I just can't bring myself to do it. I would be throwing away any chance at my relationship, any real interest I have because I know I will never enjoy having to haul ass and stay up for 20 hours studying and applying and testing all for a degree for a chance at a job that will probably last a few years before I'm fired and have to find something else. The only people I know in my field were old friends and they worked at so many different companies until they found the one they enjoyed that also paid well. I have no idea if that's anywhere in my future, I don't want to make a bunch of money if I have nothing and nobody to spend it with. People are so important to me but especially relationships, maybe it's just because of how little love I've gotten throughout my life and how reluctant I am to gain interest in anybody but it's such a meaningful thing for me.

And yea, it took me years to lose interest in my ex and it wasn't fun. Normally I would agree with you and for most people I think that applies to them, about learning things you should have seen in the first place. The issue is, and what hurts the most, none of that existed. Of course we had our differences and some things we didn't agree on but nothing that ever had an impact on our relationship. It was the distance, something I can't control at all for at least 6 months. And sure, once the 6 months are over could I move in with them, yes I could. Will they want to? Will they have any interest in being my partner? I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to know because I'm scared it will be a no. They have said "I don't know" to me asking if there's any chance of love coming back, and that's a fair answer, they say that because they don't know what the future holds in terms of solving the issue we had. Because maybe like a year from now they have had no relationship or had one and it was short and they come back around to me, that would be perfectly fine because I would be able to move in with them and no issues whatsoever when it comes to distance. But life isn't some story I write, it's not a movie, it's not a book, it's not a dream. It's a genuine real thing with an uncountable amount of variables that controls how things work, so anything is possible but just because it is doesn't mean it's likely enough for me to hold out for. Then again I don't have any choice but holding out, I hold onto love for years and I feel like it will be close to a decade until my feelings fade because of how strong mine are and how attached I get. I wish I wasn't this way but there wouldn't be an issue with it if things were in my control.

I would be so much happier if things were worse than they are now, but I had real control over them. Part of me has gotten used to things falling apart and having to rebuild them or fix them to the point where I enjoy part of it, it's like I get to improve myself over and over again except I just don't get to choose when it happens. This time there's none of that, I can't magically make my treatment end now as that would waste ungodly amounts of money, I can't move in with them right now because of how I would get a visa (no specifics because I don't know how common or uncommon the types of visas are), I can't get a job right now because of my treatment and the fact that nobody is hiring right now. I feel like I could go on and on and I hate that I sound like I'm whining and complaining but the fact everything is a "I can't do X or Y right now" is so infuriating. I want to work on myself I want to make things better I want to have a chance I want to do something anything at all it doesn't matter how small the thing is but I want to be able to do something and I literally can't I'm forced to wait until probably all my chances for everything are all gone.

sorry this is such a wall of text, I don't really know when to stop myself from talking I sort of just write down everything I'm thinking of since I don't really know how to vent since I've barely ever done it. Thank you for your reply, it really feels nice having some sort of appreciation or acknowledgement, I don't know the right word. It still feels really nice having somebody just be able to understand why I do a certain thing from a giant wall of text, I didn't really expect that but it helped me feel less alone in that understanding. It really means a lot, thank you for being kind. I hope you're having a great day, and if not then I hope it can end better than it started.