My friends. It must sound strange to have people I trust and am close to, yet want to die. My suicidal desire has nothing to do with loneliness and everything to do with physical suffering. Yet every time I think of making the leap, I think of my friends and that I'd like to see them one more time. Just one more time
Mostly:
-fear of pain and discomfort
-fear of failing
-hope that assisted dying may be legalized in my country in the next couple of years
-don't want to die alone and in secret, like it's a crime
-don't want my death to come as a shock to my loved ones, with no closure and no chance to say goodbye
Less important, but also:
-there's people who rely on me, would rather not let them down
-I still derive some enjoyment from things like my job, board games, badminton, etc
-my landlord is very kind, I'd rather not create problems for them by dying in their house
-plain laziness / lack of energy
-on good days - feeling like I can still do some good or help someone, at least in small ways
-fear of pain and discomfort
-fear of failing
-hope that assisted dying may be legalized in my country in the next couple of years
-don't want to die alone and in secret, like it's a crime
-don't want my death to come as a shock to my loved ones, with no closure and no chance to say goodbye
Less important, but also:
-there's people who rely on me, would rather not let them down
-I still derive some enjoyment from things like my job, board games, badminton, etc
-my landlord is very kind, I'd rather not create problems for them by dying in their house
-plain laziness / lack of energy
-on good days - feeling like I can still do some good or help someone, at least in small ways
1. SI
Was seconds away from being gone but fuck SI is strong
2. my son
Most of the time I think it would be better for him if I lived, so even though from a purely individual POV CTB is clearly the rational choice for me to make, I sometimes think the suffering my suicide would induce on him balances out the suffering CTB would free me from.
I sometimes think I should suffer from life so he doesn't suffer from my suicide.
Was seconds away from being gone but fuck SI is strong
2. my son
Most of the time I think it would be better for him if I lived, so even though from a purely individual POV CTB is clearly the rational choice for me to make, I sometimes think the suffering my suicide would induce on him balances out the suffering CTB would free me from.
I sometimes think I should suffer from life so he doesn't suffer from my suicide.
kipstriesagain
physics enjoyer
- Oct 22, 2025
- 18
Theresnoescape
Student
- May 29, 2024
- 153
My kids/family mainly, also my ex. Our relationship is over but I still care how she would feel.
Also lack of courage, I have a few accessible ways to CTB but just can't seem to do it.
Also lack of courage, I have a few accessible ways to CTB but just can't seem to do it.
corpse
this life ain't worth living
- Aug 31, 2025
- 180
Leaving now would absolutely devastate my parents. I've had a lot of career success recently and I can tell that hearing about me "doing so well" makes them so much happier. It's technically true, my career is going well, but inside I feel utterly hollow. I have no friends, live in a crappy studio apartment because I'm too lazy and cheap to move. My relationship with my family is incredibly strained and painful. I've been trying to do a lot of the work of "being a better person" or whatever, and sure it's yielded "results", but it doesn't change anything about how I really feel about living and life itself. I'm just wearing masks and papering over the cracks on a day by day basis. Nothing has fundamentally changed beneath it all.
Deep down inside I don't want relationships. I don't want friends. I don't want connections. I'm so used to being alone that the mere thought of any of it paralyzes me. There's a scared, confused little kid inside me that just wants to feel like he belongs anywhere in this world, but no matter what he does he just makes everything worse. If I wasn't around my sister would've gotten the support she needed when she needed it. My parents wouldn't have spent so much anger fighting all the time over what a fuckup I would turn out to be. I wouldn't spend a lifetime doing nothing but being one grand disappointment after another, everyone would've gotten exactly what they wanted and needed out of life and each other and I wouldn't be just loafing around sucking up oxygen and waiting to die while I lie to everyone. I was never supposed to be here. I never asked for any of this.
But now I'm stuck here because finding release from all this intolerable bullshit is too upsetting from all the people who I have convinced that I'm not a colossal fucked up weirdo who can barely relate to other human beings, let alone do anything other than wistfully reflect on what a pathetic worthless, sad sack of disappointment I turned out to be. I just can't bear to hurt people in that way. I wish the world hated me as much as I hate myself. It would make everything so much simpler.
So here I am. Here we all are. Stuck in a spiritual concentration camp to be starved and tortured for however long it takes for until we either crack and take the jump, try to rush across the minefields, duck the bullets and claw through the barbed wire in a desperate bid to break free to happiness, or just wither up and wait for death to finally set us free from the neverending agony.
I fucking hate it here.
Deep down inside I don't want relationships. I don't want friends. I don't want connections. I'm so used to being alone that the mere thought of any of it paralyzes me. There's a scared, confused little kid inside me that just wants to feel like he belongs anywhere in this world, but no matter what he does he just makes everything worse. If I wasn't around my sister would've gotten the support she needed when she needed it. My parents wouldn't have spent so much anger fighting all the time over what a fuckup I would turn out to be. I wouldn't spend a lifetime doing nothing but being one grand disappointment after another, everyone would've gotten exactly what they wanted and needed out of life and each other and I wouldn't be just loafing around sucking up oxygen and waiting to die while I lie to everyone. I was never supposed to be here. I never asked for any of this.
But now I'm stuck here because finding release from all this intolerable bullshit is too upsetting from all the people who I have convinced that I'm not a colossal fucked up weirdo who can barely relate to other human beings, let alone do anything other than wistfully reflect on what a pathetic worthless, sad sack of disappointment I turned out to be. I just can't bear to hurt people in that way. I wish the world hated me as much as I hate myself. It would make everything so much simpler.
So here I am. Here we all are. Stuck in a spiritual concentration camp to be starved and tortured for however long it takes for until we either crack and take the jump, try to rush across the minefields, duck the bullets and claw through the barbed wire in a desperate bid to break free to happiness, or just wither up and wait for death to finally set us free from the neverending agony.
I fucking hate it here.
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Vlad Tepes
Experienced
- Jun 24, 2025
- 244
rainatthebusstop
Member
- Aug 20, 2025
- 91
Afraid of failing to ctb correctly. If I end it I want it to be final but I'm afraid one of the factors to suicide won't be ideal or sufficient enough to kill me, instead leaving me not only disabled but institutionalized.
shiftingtendons
Member
- Nov 15, 2025
- 8
first Im A Pussy second i really really want to believe i can achieve something in this life. i want to believe im capable and strong. i want to prove to my mother I'm not the failure she thinks i am
Online friends lol. Don't care about family and they've never really cared about me, but I've met some great people I don't to leave behind yet.
pharma
Member
- Mar 4, 2023
- 75
I agree. Sometimes I become selfish I just want to die. But then she hugs me and says she loves me or gets sad when I withdraw... I don't think I could do it. But also, I can't bare the thought of losing her :(
Relatable! I attempted when I was 14 and my brother ran into the hospital room crying and screaming "Why do you want to kill yourself?!" and had to be dragged out of the roomm.. I don't think I could do that to him or my mother again...
Honestly I don't exactly know but maybe it's that tiny light of hope that my brain is trying to fool me with and it's kinda working, that kind of ideas that I'll have enough money in the future to fulfill my dreams, that i won't be lonely, that the world would be full of justice, that something gonna change for good and that i need to wait not to miss it, deep down i know those are delusions but still I can't ignore them for some reason.
Lavínia
plalace
- Feb 19, 2024
- 147
Primary:
I still need to pay off the mortgage on my mother and sister's apartment, so I have to keep working and paying in an endless cycle until I have no more energy and give up.
Secondary:
I want to see the second season of Chainsaw Man.
I want to read more.
I still need to pay off the mortgage on my mother and sister's apartment, so I have to keep working and paying in an endless cycle until I have no more energy and give up.
Secondary:
I want to see the second season of Chainsaw Man.
I want to read more.
Unknown21
Enlightened
- Apr 25, 2023
- 1,200
Idk honestly, i have my method and everything is ready, but I'm in a freeze response, i wanna die but I can not for some reason. I'm so lost, i just spend my day scrolling here or TikTok...etc as a coping mechanism. Idk when I'll be able to implement my plans, idk how would it be like. I'm just here right now, just existing.
