Why are you still alive?

[dandan]

I've invested in the nitrogen kit, had a failed attempt.
I bought 1 kilo of sodium cyanide.
Then I went searching and finding N.

I was suicidal since 20's early
Had electroconvulsive therapy
I continued with mind and thoughts issues, suicidal thoughts were diminished
.now I'm 39 or a few days from 39,

Im still not the person I want to be
No matter what I do I am not cool can't feel comfortable when socializing, I feel everyone is better than me, I see other people having success and me I'm not.
I lost the possibility of having around 40million USD wtith Bitcoin, took a wrong decision. It was a bad choice.

Today I wish i can have fun, I want to enjoy life , I want to learn to play life like if it was a game, I'm just not cool enough in my opinion.

I'm still alive because I'm making another attempt, actually also because I was so determined to make a pyramid scheme where all the money on top would be used to save stray dogs, and I earn by MLM commissions, I've done it , using Bitcoin, and now I have to get people interested in it, and guess what... I'm not taking action there.....

Why I'm still alive , because if I learned a magic mind trick I could be healed, I've learned that there's no magic I have to take action , but then again I will never recover my thousands of ethereums / Bitcoin

I'm alive just because I still want to learn to live and because I don't want to die , it rather feels like the choice that would end frustration , hopelessness, the struggle I'm in, and I don't want to do that to my mom, but we already talked and my mom doesn't want me to suffer no more either, she doesn't want me to die but she has accepted I might kill myself , i still hope something or me having a solution for me enjoying life.

 

[inconsequential]

I'm still alive because it's sunny again today.
It's a stupid reason, but I love sunlight that much. Basking in it. Laying in it. Soaking it in. People have joked that I am a plant.

A few things keep me here, but overwhelmingly, it is sunlight. Nature. Animals. Things I'm allergic to but still find magical.

 

[Bagger]

I live because i don't have balls to end it. For now.

 

[devil]

Okay kinda new here what does N stand for? Sorry I sound stupid.

I'm still alive because drugs and alcohol has been numbing the pain for now but it's not going to last long. So hopefully I'll stop being scared and actually do it.... eventually.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I really want to go... but the thought of a certain someone is keeping me here. I don't want to live, I never did. Yet, for some reason I'm willing to sacrifice and stay alive just for their happiness. It sounds awful... I know.

I even made a full list last week on a piece of paper of all the bad things that have happened in my whole life starting from childhood until now. It's almost two pages and the worst part is... that it's not even all of it. There's definitely more which I couldn't recall at that moment.

I don't know... I feel crazy. I feel like I'm waiting for something that won't even happen but part of me thinks it will. I'm scared of what will happen. It's torture to keep being here, my mind doesn't allow me to rest. My N will be my backup plan if that person doesn't come back.

 

[dandan]

Okay kinda new here what does N stand for? Sorry I sound stupid.

I'm still alive because drugs and alcohol has been numbing the pain for now but it's not going to last long. So hopefully I'll stop being scared and actually do it.... eventually.

Hi, drugs haven't help more than only temporarily, I'm stopping drugs for now.

N stands for Nembutal, it's a veterinary medication used to euthanize dogs and animals, it can also be the most humane way to kill oneself, because there's no pain or apparent discomfort. A VIP ticket to death, if there is one.

 

[The Hunter]

Okay kinda new here what does N stand for? Sorry I sound stupid.

I'm still alive because drugs and alcohol has been numbing the pain for now but it's not going to last long. So hopefully I'll stop being scared and actually do it.... eventually.

in what drugs are you on? if you will let me ask

 

[devil]

Hi, drugs haven't help more than only temporarily, I'm stopping drugs for now.

N stands for Nembutal, it's a veterinary medication used to euthanize dogs and animals, it can also be the most humane way to kill oneself, because there's no pain or apparent discomfort. A VIP ticket to death, if there is one.

Oh wow I've never heard of that before, it sounds wonderful. Where do you get it from?

in what drugs are you on? if you will let me ask

Just a lot of cocaine.

 

[dandan]

I really want to go... but the thought of a certain someone is keeping me here. I don't want to live, I never did. Yet, for some reason I'm willing to sacrifice and stay alive just for their happiness. It sounds awful... I know.

I even made a full list last week on a piece of paper of all the bad things that have happened in my whole life starting from childhood until now. It's almost two pages and the worst part is... that it's not even all of it. There's definitely more which I couldn't recall at that moment.

I don't know... I feel crazy. I feel like I'm waiting for something that won't even happen but part of me thinks it will. I'm scared of what will happen. It's torture to keep being here, my mind doesn't allow me to rest. My N will be my backup plan if that person doesn't come back.

Really, 1 person means that much to you?
There's plenty of fish out there!!
Maybe not all people are likeable but , ctb because of one person really?
Is like if my mom would try to ctb if I did... No, not cool. However if it is so, I have never met someone so important in my life like you have. I'm sorry wish you find what you are REALLY looking for.

 

[Roger]

Okay kinda new here what does N stand for? Sorry I sound stupid.

I'm still alive because drugs and alcohol has been numbing the pain for now but it's not going to last long. So hopefully I'll stop being scared and actually do it.... eventually.

N = Nembutal, a trade name for pentobarbital, which is used as a sedative in small doses, but as a euthanasia medium for veterinary practitioners, and is used as lethal injection in some states as a means of judicial execution.

It is seen as the Holy Grail by the suicidally inclined, but is very difficult to obtain. Most people who acquire it do so through a supplier in Mexico, and paying a huge price mark-up in bitcoins, whatever they are.

Hope this helps.

 

[Righttodie]

I am alive because I want to live.
I want to die because I want to live.

 

[dandan]

in what drugs are you on? if you will let me ask

Was, I've got clean for a couple days now.
Basically weed, benzos, and ADHD stimulants like snorted Ritalin. Psychodelic every now and then but it's not addictive at all..... 5meo DMT , a poison extracted from a Mexican toad, which makes me feel like dying and death.... It was horrific the first times, made me yell out of emotional pain, and begged for people to kill me, but the last time I did, it was pure love...

 

[Tortured_empath]

I'm afraid of eternal oblivion.

 

[dandan]

Oh wow I've never heard of that before, it sounds wonderful. Where do you get it from?


Just a lot of cocaine.

How much is a lot of cocaine?

Like how many grams per week? Snorted or free-base?

 

[sadgirl2002]

Really, 1 person means that much to you?
There's plenty of fish out there!!
Maybe not all people are likeable but , ctb because of one person really?
Is like if my mom would try to ctb if I did... No, not cool. However if it is so, I have never met someone so important in my life like you have. I'm sorry wish you find what you are REALLY looking for.

It sounds crazy but that one person is the only one who will ever matter to me. I've heard that a lot but I honestly want only that one fish.

Oh no no, I'm not gonna ctb because of that one person. I've been suicidal and depressed my whole life, I was ready to go too. I had my rope and setup. The list of reasons I have to die are endless but after I met that person, I can't even seem to go now. I guess I wanted to stay just to make his life better, I wouldn't be gaining anything. It's hard to explain.

What I meant by the last part was that if he doesn't come back, I'll simply go back to my original plan of suicide. It's like it was a diversion if that makes sense. Thank you, I hope the same of you.

 

[devil]

How much is a lot of cocaine?

Like how many grams per week? Snorted or free-base?

Probably about 2 grams every week. Snorted

N = Nembutal, a trade name for pentobarbital, which is used as a sedative in small doses, but as a euthanasia medium for veterinary practitioners, and is used as lethal injection in some states as a means of judicial execution.

It is seen as the Holy Grail by the suicidally inclined, but is very difficult to obtain. Most people who acquire it do so through a supplier in Mexico, and paying a huge price mark-up in bitcoins, whatever they are.

Hope this helps.

It does help, thank you

 

[Oblivion Lover]

I don't have access to SN yet, and I'm still looking for the right opportunity. Meanwhile I will try to treat my disorders and look for any improvement, just to be sure that my will to ctb is not caused by any problem with my brain and that my mind is clear. It's pretty hard to wait with a family like mine, though.

 

[dandan]

It sounds crazy but that one person is the only one who will ever matter to me. I've heard that a lot but I honestly want only that one fish.

Oh no no, I'm not gonna ctb because of that one person. I've been suicidal and depressed my whole life, I was ready to go too. I had my rope and setup. The list of reasons I have to die are endless but after I met that person, I can't even seem to go now. I guess I wanted to stay just to make his life better, I wouldn't be gaining anything. It's hard to explain.

What I meant by the last part was that if he doesn't come back, I'll simply go back to my original plan of suicide. It's like it was a diversion if that makes sense. Thank you, I hope the same of you.

Stay and make MY life better , LOL.
I really wish someone could.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Haha sorry
I still regret the chance I didn't take to end myself. Seriously, I do hope you find that someone.

 

[TimeToDie]

I'm alive because I'm afraid that a shotgun is going to hurt -- a LOT! Though I'm not sure that any other method is any better. Every method has some possibility of survival with devastating disability.

 

[dandan]

I'm alive because I'm afraid that a shotgun is going to hurt -- a LOT! Though I'm not sure that any other method is any better. Every method has some possibility of survival with devastating disability.

Come on, really? That is the reason you are still alive? A shotgun is kind of the best reliable method out there.

 

[TimeToDie]

Come on, really? That is the reason you are still alive? A shotgun is kind of the best reliable method out there.

Yes, really. The problem is that even the "best reliable method out there" still lacks a 100% guarantee of instant painless death.

 

[soda_pressed]

Because I don't have the guts to jump

 

[Sailfisher]

Family needs me, even if I am not the same person I was before. At the same time, it is killing them to see me like this, so I don't know which is worse.

 

[dandan]

Because I don't have the guts to jump

I understand, surviving , eating, and breathing require no guts. Living does, but then you ain't really living, I think I understand.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Failed a few times and I'm alive until I finalize the perfect plan. Life in the aftermath of failing is always worse for me than life was before attempting, so I'm saving my energy until I know I'll succeed.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I keep failing my attempts at hanging
And I'm worried about what it would do to my husband.
He has depression too but nowhere near as bad and he tries to guilt me into staying by saying he is gonna do it if I do it

 

[GinaIsReady]

I want to live and have a good life. I feel like I have so much to live for and so much potential. Life has fucked me over to the point that I am incapable of trusting anyone and I am starting to think that my very spirit is now broken. I don't think it's going to repair itself or bounce back this time. I've been extremely fortunate to have had the some of the best psychological and psychiatric treatment available in the world in the last 1.5 yrs and I have learned so much about myself and I know life would be easier for me going forward because of it but something deep inside me just can't bring itself to participate in the world again and rebuild my life. I feel it deep down that I've just had enough shit. I was actually beginning to get ready to go back to work a few months ago and had a great business opportunity arise out of the blue. I grabbed it and went for it. I went into a business arrangement with someone and he fucked me over badly and it sealed this feeling for me. I can't seem to bring myself to put myself into a situation where I can be fucked over again, and that includes pretty much all situations.

Yes I take responsibility for bad decisions (like telling a co-worker the boss looked at my boobs a lot, which resulted in me having to resign from my last job), etc, but I wouldn't be where I am without having been fucked over by an incompetent psychiatrist and the childhood I had. Where am I? I want to live. I don't want to kill myself but I have to support myself to survive in this world, and it would appear I am no longer able to because my spirit is broken. I am educated, professional and have skillsets that are rare and in high demand and pay well. But I just can't bring myself to go back. Once my money runs out, I'll have to kill myself because its the only choice I have unless I want to be homeless. Fuck no. Talk about things getting worse.

 

[Empty Smile]

I'm still alive because normal people won't let me die.

 

[dandan]

Damm! And so many people happy with lot less, sucks