Discussion Why are you guys suicidal.

[LittleJem]

over twenty years of depression and anxiety. Three medications so far failed. Realised I've been mad my whole life and ashamed of the hurt I caused. Agitation and some insomnia. Bored and lonely. Lost job, house, marriage, bed bound for two years. childhood trauma, autism probably. Very fed up. Also had shopping addiction and cannabis psychosis.

 

[cactusflower]

There's been a series of changes that happened in my life that I won't go into much detail here, but it's just a little too much to handle, and my support system is very small if not there at all. I feel like I am suffering for no reason at all other than the universe just decided to be cruel. Been this way for a while but especially recently.

 

[Alcoholic Failure]

I am suicidal because I have lost everything in my life to alcoholism. I know how to stay sober and rebuild everything again but what's the fucking point?
I am suicidal because I have lost everything in my life to alcoholism. I know how to stay sober and rebuild everything again but what's the fucking point?

 

[HopefulSleep]

Cause my life is a downwards spiral.
When I was 3 my parents always fighted until they divorced.
In the Kindergarten I didn't have friends, I always cried alone in the room somewhere.
In the first and second class I got bullied, in the third class I found what I believed were real friends but they just made fun of my, the worst was that in that time I got sexually assaulted.
When I got to the 5th class I went to my fathers apartment and I could skip school for nearly a year cause he didn't care, I did that cause of social anxiety but in that time I got depressed, my father also manipulated me to hurt my mother, I hate him how he pretended that he loved me.
In the time of the 6th class I saw my father die cause he had a liver disease, it scared me and then in school they made fun of me that I don't have a father.
I wanted to kill myself in that time but didn't have a method, it got slowly a bit better but I realized how I got sexually assaulted as a child and now I just want to die.

 

[aticeret]

I'm giving up on fighting life which spits in my face every single given chance. I just cannot take this shit anymore.

 

[never mind me]

Because I hate myself. And life can get very tiresome, if you spend half your energy fighting self-hatred.

 

[miserabletires9]

Because I can't be happy. I don't find anything enjoyable.

i identify with this as well. putting all the bad things happened to me last several years, I was suicidal even in college. and that was 20 years ago. at our uni, we would always have people killing themselves every semester. And you read it in the school paper or something. And I thought how lucky they were. After school, I got better, even made friends, had a couple nice relationships that I felt they actually liked me. Then starting 4 years ago, it was one thing after another. Life has been like bam, bam, bam, hitting me from all sides. I just can't go on like this anymore

 

[endless_pain]

struggle to survive toxic parents -> pain to generate an income from zero for independence -> cannot have therapy for missing income -> the cycle repeats

I ask myself what are the option:
1. CTB
2. Create this income but I struggle so much to maintain a job

If this life is not hell, psychologically it is for sure

 

[Unwr!tten]

For me, personally, Suicide isn't something I necessarily want.

I don't want to die and leave behind everyone and everything that I love and care about. I don't want to just cease to exist.

What I WANT is peace.

I want to be happy, healthy, safe and with people ho will love and build me up.

I'm sick of lies and empty promises, I'm sick of two-faced fake people, I'm sick of pain, neglect, fear and heartbreak.

I don't want suicide, but I do see it as a viable and valid option if I feel I've exhausted all my other options.

 

[miserabletires9]

struggle to survive toxic parents -> pain to generate an income from zero for independence -> cannot have therapy for missing income -> the cycle repeats

I ask myself what are the option:
1. CTB
2. Create this income but I struggle so much to maintain a job

If this life is not hell, psychologically it is for sure

if anything, therapy never worked for me. A lot of therapists are shit. can't really offer anything substantial. my friend likes her therapist because most of her life is going well. she has loving parents, loving husband, loving children, great career. Her only issue is being too hard on herself professionally and don't know how to balance. What a wonderful problem to have.

If you have real problems, threapists in my experience never really offer any substantial

 

[anxious_depressive]

I'm a loser.
My whole life is a mistake.

 

[endless_pain]

if anything, therapy never worked for me. A lot of therapists are shit. can't really offer anything substantial. my friend likes her therapist because most of her life is going well. she has loving parents, loving husband, loving children, great career. Her only issue is being too hard on herself professionally and don't know how to balance. What a wonderful problem to have.

If you have real problems, threapists in my experience never really offer any substantial

I know, and think that the therapists I would like to get help for are all full with their agenda. They treat people who come from similar pasts for trauma related issues and they are the only one I trust.
But I mean this is so hard, I don't know what to do exactly.
I have to admit if there would be a button I would press it now to ctb instead of doing the planning to do so because otherwise I am not ready yet but I suffer every day

 

[Nothing………………….]

Not everyone can be happy with life, or get to a point where life is great for them. At best, some people are able to "cope". Unfortunately, that doesn't make being a wage slave and growing old and decrepit worth it when death will come anyways.

Those that are happy with their lives and can live a happy life should continue to live if they should choose. But why should other people be forced to cope? All because a chance of experiencing a little bit content? This site promotes pro-choice, which entails the beholder of their own life to decide if it is worth living. It is not your place nor job to decide if other people's lives are worth living.

Well personally I don't believe, 'I just can't be happy' is the be all and end all of it. I think there is something distinctly stopping you from being happy. Happiness is a human emotion not a delusion that's everybody's collectively decided to make up.
(also I believe I'm justified in making a response to you considering this isn't directly about my question)

 

[endless_pain]

@Pixelyslime for me as I have said above I do not consider only ctb as an option, and I believe there is some kind of happiness having experienced it in the first place, but just for two months abroad. For the rest of my life never experienced again.
So if I could overcome and go ahead with my struggle I would go on with life this is it, but it's undeniably hard to go past this struggle to get financially independent for someone coming from a toxic upbringing, heal from past traumas with the right therapist and then work for freedom that is one of my values.

 

[Torch]

Watching all my loved ones around me die, one by one, my parents, my siblings, my wife, and my stillborn son. I have quite literally nothing to live for, I've been hanging on by a thread the last 10ish years. The most happy I've been in the very very long time has been the last few days knowing my SN is enroute.

 

[Unending]

Years of severe debilitating dual diagnosis mental illness that has only gotten worse despite every effort to recover. Have tried upwards of 20 treatments if you include all the psych medications I have been prescribed as well as the experimental treatments. If you include all the different combinations of the psych meds, each time I tried the same experimental treatment again, stays at the psych wards, residential treatment, self help, different lifestyle changes, etc then the number must be quite a bit higher.

I'm here because despite so so so much desperate effort at getting better, it has only gotten worse and worse and worse. Untreated mental illness is still untreated if the treatments aren't helping you. I have suffered a lot and am still seeking out treatment despite how horrid my life has been for long before I knew about SaSu.

 

[Unwr!tten]

So many here have reached out to people, pleaded for help, but all the world dose is put them in a psych ward, where they're abused and mistreated, then turn away feeling like they actually did something productive.

 

[PlathWannaBe]

ive been severely socially anxious my whole life, to the point where i can barely function in society and cant function around other people, despite how much i wish i could. ofc depression and a general disinterest in life too, whats the point staying here if i basically cant enjoy anything, all life is anymore is escapism and distractions, and i have no hope of this ever improving, my life is literally empty, i feel like im an adult trapped in the mind of a lost, scared child. i dont think il ctb for a while but theres no doubt in my mind il do it someday

This describes my life experience so goddam well. I don't have much of a life, because it consists mainly of escapism and distractions. I am also 37, and feel very much like a child trapped in an adult's body. I have almost no self esteem and I'm uncertain about every little thing. It's so embarrassing, and I'm ashamed of almost every aspect of my life. I don't really understand why my friends like me, and I wish I could just get it over with and ctb. So fucking tired.

 

[freonix]

to cut a long story short: abusive parents + autism w/ zero support (so i constantly felt left out and struggled in school) + incredibly stressful educational system in my country which drained my energy and crushed my self esteem + no money for decent psychiatric help = delicious recipe for disaster :-) i have been suicidal for as long as i can remember, either passively or actively

as unwr!tten said, some days i don't really want to die, but i wish for an end to my suffering and the peace i never had

 

[immrw]

I got covid and developed long covid and am now chronically ill.

I'm so sorry. I also caught covid in October last year and have felt like a shell of a person since. There's no end in sight or cure for this. I can't do the very few things that used to bring me joy. People deny that long covid is real and it makes me so angry because I used to be so active and held a 4.0 GPA. Now leaving bed and getting to class takes all the energy out of me. I sleep for 10 hours and still need a nap. Everyone around me gets angry at me and says I'm just lazy. I can't mentally handle dealing with LC and the social isolation that comes with it. I'm just so exhausted. I've also dealt with similar abuse as you. It feels like childhood abuse gives you a special lens to see all the evil that's around you. Unless you've lived it, you won't understand. Fuck this world. I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Well personally I don't believe, 'I just can't be happy' is the be all and end all of it. I think there is something distinctly stopping you from being happy. Happiness is a human emotion not a delusion that's everybody's collectively decided to make up.
(also I believe I'm justified in making a response to you considering this isn't directly about my question)

I can't be happy simply because i was born the wrong sex. I have to muddle through life seeing average attractive women of the opposite sex express their body positivity and their cis privilege. Every time i see one of them, be it irl tv or social media, i fall into a pit of deep despair.

Before you suggest transitioning and anything else (and i will say this, i dont want advice, and any advice or platitudes you give me will be ignored), none of that compensates for not having the correct body, for not being able to experience girlhood, and the body I get from HRT and such would not look right to me (scarring and not passing).

This life of cope is just not worth it to me.

 

[Nortu]

Personally for me its a bit of why keep surviving? Never really had proper friends my whole life, treated like shit by everyone. The usual depressed and anxiety mixture which has only gotten worse over the years and I cant remember if I ever wanted to live. Starting university is partly trying to look forward but honestly its mostly to move out so I can ctb undisturbed by anyone Else in this Household.
Cant get away from my own mind and body so thats never going to work being trans and all that. I'll never get better as its put. Health care here isn't good Even though I'm in «one of the happiest countries» or something like that. Only reason I haven't yet ctb is because it hasn't yet felt fully like the right time and I dont want a failed attempt, that would make it difficult to attempt again.
Also cant risk living Long enough to mabye catch Alzheimers like my grandparents did on both sides of the family.
there really just isn't enough of a reason to keep going :3

 

[AresCohere]

Might make a thread of my own about this but i guess i can make it short here

Reasons for me to CTB
- family is disappointed in me 24/7
- constant panic attacks, paranoia, and even now audio hallucinations
- constant physical and mental pain from stress and being exhausted all the time
- the fact i will not succeed in the future (fucked up and have too much expected of me now too)
- prior traumas in life

Things keeping me alive
- this one cute guy on discord (if this ends up being seen, then hi delta, sorry you had to see this)
- primal instincts

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

because i ruined my life and I'm a corrupted individual (if you knew me you'd agree that I should kms)

 

[-Tandem-]

Dont really care for life. I genuinely do not believe i was supposed to be born. This may sound selfish but life doesn't have enough things that interest me. Like there's not a lot i want to be here. A lot of things i may have wanted to do, i've done

 

[Nothing………………….]

I want this reply to just be to all the people I have upset with my previous replies in general. I genuinely don't mean to offend anyone or ruin the point of this forum or anything, I just don't really know what is and isn't ok as It's my first time on here. Please feel free to reply to this and tell me anything I've done wrong with my previous replies.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

from an early age I had no clear idea how life is supposed to work and made idiotic choices based on anxiety, fear and confusion. I took a lot of very good opportunities and squandered them now I'm just winding down the clock. Hoping I won't wake up.

 

[Toy]

The reason I am suicidal is because I've been obsessed with CTB topics and needing to CTB from a very young age due to trauma and I have never and will never manage to dig myself out of that hole. Humans are terrible and at this point, there's very little reasons to keep going as this world is deteriorating. I've been treated horridly by humans the entire span of me being on this planet and yet every person I tell about wanting to just stop trying and leave either says nothing afterwards or tries to feed me fake positivity. My future that I was originally supposed to have is ruined. I lost everything to my own deteriorating health. Why drag my life on when I can finish it off on my own terms peacefully and to my choosing? The thought of having the control over my own life to put an end to this suffering in the way I want to go out brings me peace.

 

[AJAX]

i am gay and bipolar. between my internalized homophobia and my mental illness it feels as if i am barely even here.

 

[dancer-in-adaydream]

it's the harassment every single time. it is never anything else. the spiritual, emotional, psychological harassment. can't say it without it turning sour. I can't work out reasons I shouldn't be alive but my physiology just can't handle it. they don't aren't the same as wild animals. it isn't schizophrenia. psychiatrists' uncaring is another form of harassment. maybe I can say it here. it's bad experiences and not being able to keep positive relationships and it's because of that. the deep depression.