Discussion Why are you going to ctb?

[swanlake]

What are your reasons? Have you always struggled with ideation?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Past present and future suck. Struggling from birth until death, might as well go see death rather then wait for them to come to me.

 

[Kawaii_Shoujo215]

I hate being forced into this existence of endless suffering and torment, with a pestering body endlessly whining for things, constant discomfort and striving just for the fleeting 'pleasure' that is just an illusion by nature to delude us into thinking it's qll worth it... I hate it here (and anywhere else, for that matter)

 

[GasMonkey]

I'm a KHHV (Kissless Hugless Handholdless Virgin).

 

[The_Flying_Fox]

A severe anxiety disorder (body dysmorphic disorder).

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm a KHHV (Kissless Hugless Handholdless Virgin).

I think I've learned more new acronyms from this site than anywhere else in my entire existence.

I have to go because I'm alone going forward and absolutely fear what the future holds for me, which will be made so much worse simply by being alone. It's frightening to me to even contemplate it. I can't. I just can't.

 

[Jrmull1993]

@incadescence From what I've noticed so far, most newcomers start out by venting. It's nice to see someone new asking meaningful questions.... Welcome!

As for me, I have a multitude of reasons for my future early exit. Mainly about seeing those close to me move on to romantic relationships and me realizing I wasn't made for that sort of thing. The other big reason is to give my closest friend a nice "head start" by planning my exit date to occur after my life insurance policy's suicide exclusion period.

As far as ideation, I've always known I'd die from suicide, and for some reason I genuinely can't explain, always thought that bringing on my own death was more peaceful than waiting for death to come find me.

 

[hellispink]

The world is a horrible place. Politicians and masses step on others to get away with their evilness and ambitions. Humans are not any good, they are rotten and only care for power, social media, and meaningless stuff. People are suffering and dying of hunger and they can't even afford to eat, while most act like its okay. Most people ignore injustice and lack empathy as long as it doesn't happen to them. Kids are still getting bullied at school or mistreated by their parents. Most people are traumatized and follow the patterns with their kids and other generations so we are dysfunctional at every level. Everything revolves around money even the pharmaceutical industry which prefers to keep people suffering just to make more money instead of saying and acting accordingly. Animals are suffering, we are taking their habitat. We are hurting the trees, the oceans, our forests… everything. Humans destroy absolutely anything just because they think themselves to be smarter. But I have seen animals being more loving and empathetic than a "thoughtful and decision making capable human." There is absolutely no fix for this. There is an agenda for everything and its all about power and money. Little are the people who truly care about changing this and it ain't enough. So what's worth of being in a horrific place such as this? I am supposed to lie to myself and focus on me selfishly while the earth suffers? No really, it doesn't make me any happy. So I wanna be out so I don't have to be part of none of this anymore.

 

[swanlake]

The world is a horrible place. Politicians and masses step on others to get away with their evilness and ambitions. Humans are not any good, they are rotten and only care for power, social media, and meaningless stuff. People are suffering and dying of hunger and they can't even afford to eat, while most act like its okay. Most people ignore injustice and lack empathy as long as it doesn't happen to them. Kids are still getting bullied at school or mistreated by their parents. Most people are traumatized and follow the patterns with their kids and other generations so we are dysfunctional at every level. Everything revolves around money even the pharmaceutical industry which prefers to keep people suffering just to make more money instead of saying and acting accordingly. Animals are suffering, we are taking their habitat. We are hurting the trees, the oceans, our forests… everything. Humans destroy absolutely anything just because they think themselves to be smarter. But I have seen animals being more loving and empathetic than a "thoughtful and decision making capable human." There is absolutely no fix for this. There is an agenda for everything and its all about power and money. Little are the people who truly care about changing this and it ain't enough. So what's worth of being in a horrific place such as this? I am supposed to lie to myself and focus on me selfishly while the earth suffers? No really, it doesn't make me any happy. So I wanna be out so I don't have to be part of none of this anymore.

You're speaking facts!!! I feel the same as you :/

 

[BrokenJesus]

I struggled with ideation since I'm 12. The reason varied a lot, but it's mainly about loneliness/alienation, feeling left behind and feeling like there's no meaning to life or that I'm unable to fulfill the meanings that seem true to me.

But specifically this last month, there's this situation with my ex. She wants me back, but is putting little effort in the relationship, while I'm still heartbroken enough that I can't trust or forgive her. What I really want is to be free, to run away and never talk with her again, but I just can't put myself to do it. Almost half a year passed since the breakup and I still can't forget her or find meaning in a life without her, though she makes me sick to my stomach. I know that even if I leave her now, if I continue to live, I won't be able to escape: a year from now, I might be sleeping in her bed again. If I don't, I'll be stalking mindlessly her social media, so what's the point in trying to keep myself away.

I feel trapped, addicted, emasculated and miserable.

 

[Hope:-)]

None of my previous suicidality was serious until this year. Yes I was very unhappy but wasn't seriously contemplating taking my own life. I've never been more unhappy than I am now.
My reasons are experiencing 16 years of medical malpractice and the effects that such had on my life over that time and in the present day, facial injuries and having a degenerative eye condition.x

 

[Ash’Girl]

I've had ideation my whole life (occasional brief periods of respite).

Childhood trauma occurred young.

Adolescence was fraught with many impulsive failed attempts.

Attempted "recovery" in young adulthood. Ideation did not go away, but was manageable. Maybe I got used to it. But brain wiring and my default mechanisms resulted in further trauma / abusive relationships.

Attained unicorn of happiness against all odds after years of fighting to break the patterns / own my own shit etc. Then the source of that happiness died, suddenly and unexpectedly.

I'm just done. I have nobody and what's more, I no longer want anybody near me. I see no point in fighting to "recover", and I definitely do not believe it will get "better". I either stay and suffer, or go. I guess what it will come down to is do I fear ctb (attempting and failing and ending up worse, not actual death which I see as a blessing) more than I fear continuing to live like this.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I have several reasons. Mostly because I've wanted to since I was a little girl.
I've always been a bit sad and melancholy. I don't remember a time when a pain or sadness wasn't at least lurking below the surface.
I feel like I've screwed up my life beyond what is repairable.
And on top of it, I've been diagnosed with a very painful, progressive autoimmune disease. There is no cure and it will just continue to get worse.
Took them 20 years to diagnose me properly. I don't want to live with it progressively getting worse for another 20 years. It hurts too much already.

 

[BrokenJesus]

I'm a KHHV (Kissless Hugless Handholdless Virgin).

Been there buddy. It's the kind of pain that scar us for life. No amount of love ever healed me from it

 

[Theanswer]

What are your reasons? Have you always struggled with ideation?

Hi - Why are you going to ctb?

 

[swanlake]

Hi - Why are you going to ctb?

Hi, I have always wanted to. I hate myself and always have. I torture myself and can't stop. I have BPD and MDD but think I might also be NPD. I am manipulative and lack empathy for people around me while expecting them to treat me like a baby. Horrible victim complex. I don't understand social cues and have a hard time conversing. I have tried in the past to ctb and failed which added to my track record of being very attention seeking. I am very negative, self-depreciating, aggressive, obsessive, embarrassing, rude, lazy, and entirely too emotional. I am tired of causing pain to the people around me and see ctb as my only option. I have made too many mistakes to be redeemed or seen as anything other than truly crazy. Outside of my behavior, the world is a horrible place. I wanted to be heard and understood and wanted everyone to be. To care about their neighbors. To be disgusted with how the US treats people around the world. To be disgusted that people are starving. To not SA women, to treat people with compassion when they have gone through horrible things. But life does not care for any of these things. I hate being a slave under capital but also hate the fact that I am not controlled enough to make this life work. I always wish I was never born and just want to go back to not existing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life lonely, begging to be seen as beautiful, and being overworked for pocket change.

I have several reasons. Mostly because I've wanted to since I was a little girl.
I've always been a bit sad and melancholy. I don't remember a time when a pain or sadness wasn't at least lurking below the surface.
I feel like I've screwed up my life beyond what is repairable.
And on top of it, I've been diagnosed with a very painful, progressive autoimmune disease. There is no cure and it will just continue to get worse.
Took them 20 years to diagnose me properly. I don't want to live with it progressively getting worse for another 20 years. It hurts too much already.

I am sorry you have this pain. I wish you peace and comfort.

 

[Theanswer]

I'm sorry, I hear that. Not to minimize OR to change your mind but have you ever looked into intentional communities? I suggest because what you said sounds a lot like no connection, no one to connect to, and how nonconnected and careless people (in the mainstream) are. I am really sorry where you're at. Please, try, to take care of yourself during this.

 

[wanttodie]

sick of life and living

 

[Theanswer]

I had changed my major to study them and hope to build them but it still requires money and I don't think it would necessarily bring me happiness.

Theres a cool website worldpackers.com for work stays if anyone wants to travel before they ctb

Okay, get the community not really producing happiness. But just want to correct that there are literally tons of intentional communities that already exist (some communes aka income sharing; some rent and live in community, some independent,...)! Seriously. You sure don't have to build one and don't need any money to join an intentional, income sharing or not, community.

 

[swanlake]

Okay, get the community producing happiness. But just want to correct that there are literally tons of intentional communities that already exist (some communes aka income sharing; some rent and live in community, some independent,...)! Seriously. You sure don't have to build one and don't need any money to join an intentional, income sharing or not, community.

I'm chronically unhappy. It wouldn't change any of my personality disorder and I don't want to disrupt their peace.

 

[Mia Wallace]

Childhood trauma, bullying, abusive relationships, untreatable depression, anxiety and insomnia, loss of my best friend. I'm basically numb at this point. Life feels like torture most days, just want to go to sleep forever

 

[TheDoomedDoomer]

Main reason is cause I don't wanna work. I can't anyway I've tried literally 27 jobs and I just can't. Yeah maybe I could just get disability and live in low income housing but I don't want a life like that either so instead of "living" another 50 years working to make someone else rich while I'm one paycheck away from homelessness I'd rather chill in the void of nonexistence for eternity.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

Depression and anxiety so bad that I don't want to eat or even get out of bed. When I'm awake I'm either crying or having a panic attack.

 

[swanlake]

Depression and anxiety so bad that I don't want to eat or even get out of bed. When I'm awake I'm either crying or having a panic attack.

Same :( I'm so sorry

 

[Mofreeko]

The juice just isn't worth the squeeze. The benefits of being alive are outweighed by the negatives for me and have been pretty much my whole life.

 

[Euthanza]

I have thousand of reasons to complain about life but to put 10 things on top of it are 60% societal/systemic failure that's non repairable, and 40% personal disorder. I used to think the other wise, 40% external and 60% internal, it turn out I was wrong after many careful introspections.

 

[Slimetae]

i'm just fucked up from past don't see myself coming back from the shit .

 

[ATM]

Want to escape this nightmare.

 

[Achlys]

To escape this prison of flesh.

 

[ineverlived]

I can't cope with being a nihilist, pessimist, ugly incel and 3rd world citizen.