Venting Why am I still here?

[miserymouse]

I've felt inhuman, out of place, and undeserving of the life I live for as long as I can remember. I never understood why I was here. I've never liked my life and I've made plans that I never followed through with because I tried to find things to live for along with parts of the world I live in to enjoy or look forward to.

For the past two and a half years I had one person to live for. He was terrible to me and we argued all the time but he was there more than anyone else. It took me some time to realise this but he is the best I will ever have. I really do love him, I always have, and as much as I hate it I will never stop. I ended things with him for the second time last year because I somehow had convinced myself that I deserved better, and afterwards I went off to seek better but just endured months of terrible people dragging me into worse situations and just a general unfulfillment. I came to terms with the fact that I will never deserve better very recently. I drank a lot and contacted him telling him about my feelings. He says I should move on, but despite this he still talks to me as if he likes me. Sometimes.

Four days ago, I drank again and ended up venting to him and he told me not to do anything drastic because he "finds comfort in knowing I'm still alive". I continue to live for him, but I don't see the point in doing so if he doesn't even like me or want to talk to me. For the past 3 days after that he's gotten upset at little things I did, and as of now he hasn't talked to me in a day. He has no obligation to especially since we aren't together anymore, but it still hurts so much because he usually still talked to me the next day even if I upset him.

I think that I'm holding on to hope that there is something to live for, maybe him or maybe something or someone else, so I continue to cling onto things to live for. I hate to say it but living for my cat isn't enough. I don't even think anyone would be enough except for him.

In December last year he told me that I should live for others if I can't live for myself and to dedicate my life to putting good into the world as long as it kept me alive. I followed his advice because I love to make people happy, but I can't even do that. I don't make anyone happy, I can't do anything right, and I feel like everyone just hates me no matter what I do. Even if I did, it doesn't matter. I want to make him happy. I want him. This attachment is terrible. I don't want to heal or move on, because then living will go back to being undeniably pointless.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I don't really know what to say. I just hope that maybe one day you can find your reason to live, if you still wish to search for such a thing. It is quite difficult though, so I sort of understand if you have pretty much given up.

I also don't really have a reason to live. It's… not fun. All the things that I do… I often wonder why I am doing it at all. I tell myself this:

"If you find your reason to live, you want to be as close to the surface as possible, no? That way you will be easier to find, and they will have an easier time pulling you out of your abyss of despair."

It's kind of stupid, I know. I don't think I will ever find such a person. But I really want to. And that desire is why I continue to try until the moment when I completely collapse.

 

[Archness]

I wish that relationship turned out better for you. There's many storied of depressed people falling in love and finding a reason to live, but sadly love isn't such a silver-bullet for those kinds of problems. I understand knowing "I'm not worthy of being loved", but even then, almost everyone deserves to be loved, to have a reason for living, another other person outside themselves so close to heart .

"If you find your reason to live, you want to be as close to the surface as possible, no? That way you will be easier to find, and they will have an easier time pulling you out of your abyss of despair."

It's kind of stupid, I know. I don't think I will ever find such a person. But I really want to. And that desire is why I continue to try until the moment when I completely collapse.

Hope that goes well. I've mostly given up on the idea of me & love already, it just isn't happening.

I somehow had convinced myself that I deserved better, and afterwards I went off to seek better but just endured months of terrible people dragging me into worse situations and just a general unfulfillment. I came to terms with the fact that I will never deserve better very recently.

In December last year he told me that I should live for others if I can't live for myself and to dedicate my life to putting good into the world as long as it kept me alive. I followed his advice because I love to make people happy, but I can't even do that. I don't make anyone happy, I can't do anything right, and I feel like everyone just hates me no matter what I do. Even if I did, it doesn't matter. I want to make him happy. I want him. This attachment is terrible. I don't want to heal or move on, because then living will go back to being undeniably pointless.

I think you do deserve better, at least mutual love instead of someone who's increasingly indifferent to you. Don't let those awful people weigh you down so much to think you're actual garbage. At the same time, you shouldn't get so invested and put your best for people who would just return disinterest or outright dislike.

Hoping the best for you .