Why am I still alive?

[CH349]

I've been thinking a lot, about if I should leave this world, or if I should stay.

I.. don't know. A part of me wants to die, but ever since I've gotten my method, I've been wanting to live more. It feels alot easier going through my day knowing that I'm not trapped in this life anymore. It's reassuring knowing that I have the choice to die, just like that.

Rationally, I know it is still best for me to die. My mental health is decaying, and it's been affecting me physically for awhile now. I know that this feeling will die down, and I'll die eventually. I know what's realistically left of my life until I've reached my mental limit wouldn't be much to do anything of worth. Despite all that, I still feel hesitant. I could hear my little sister's voice one more time, or hang out with my friends one more time.

I know that I'm only in a temporary state of bliss. I know everything will be terrible again and I'll break down again. It's just been so long since I've felt OK and at peace I suppose. I don't feel like dying when I'm the happiest I've been, but I'm genuinely feeling like I'm going to hit my limit soon.

Sorry if any of this is incoherent, my brain has been a mess lately

 

[AshClouds]

I wonder the same thing,

I feel everything deteriorating before my eyes.
I'd rather not ctb, but it seems to be the less shitty option than living with this pain I have and letting it eat me up from the inside.

I hope things can work out for you, and finally enjoy peace.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Having your method ready to go is relieving as you can do it at any time you wish. It's similar with me, a part wants to die so much the other part still tells me "there's hope" but I have my method ready which is kinda relieving. I'm often dealing with the same question like you.