Venting why am i like this

[hyuk✮i]

i feel so lost right now,, got online friends and a lovely partner yet here i am, wasting my life away being depressed and suicidal and sleep for hours
just what is wrong with me, yea i may have some bad memories there and there but some people have it way worse and still manage to thrive so why can't i too
i don't know i want to cry i want to die i want the pain to fucking stop i feel like a error in a code i'm not supposed to live i hate it i hate it

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

I think you're beating yourself down so much.

 

[hyuk✮i]

I think you're beating yourself down so much.

maybe i am, i don't know i feel like a fraud for feeling like this even when i had a "normal" life and even being on this forum

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

maybe i am, i don't know i feel like a fraud for feeling like this even when i had a "normal" life and even being on this forum

Take a deep breath, it's all in your mind. You are not a fraud, you belong here

 

[hyuk✮i]

Take a deep breath, it's all in your mind. You are not a fraud, you belong here

i'm such a mess i'm so sorry for bothering you i'm sorry

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

i'm such a mess i'm so sorry for bothering you i'm sorry

Bro/sis you are not bothering me at all, you sound like a nice person that's going through so much

 

[hyuk✮i]

Bro/sis you are not bothering me at all, you sound like a nice person that's going through so much

i'm a coward, wretched being that ruins everything i touch or approach, i deserve all of the pain and suffering i have

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

i'm a coward, wretched being that ruins everything i touch or approach, i deserve all of the pain and suffering i have

You are brave for being able to talk about your feelings, I feel like you have a backstory that I would personally love to hear

 

[hyuk✮i]

You are brave for being able to talk about your feelings, I feel like you have a backstory that I would personally love to hear

i don't have some tragic main character backstory, just a mediocre one

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

i don't have some tragic main character backstory, just a mediocre one

I don't think main characters realize their back stories are main character type of stories until they talk to someone about it :)

 

[Linda]

i feel so lost right now,, got online friends and a lovely partner yet here i am, wasting my life away being depressed and suicidal and sleep for hours
just what is wrong with me, yea i may have some bad memories there and there but some people have it way worse and still manage to thrive so why can't i too
i don't know i want to cry i want to die i want the pain to fucking stop i feel like a error in a code i'm not supposed to live i hate it i hate it

You might benefit from a professional psychologist, who might be able to figure out why you feel the way you do. Once you understand what is going on in your head, you would have a better chance of dealing with it.

 

[hyuk✮i]

I don't think main characters realize their back stories are main character type of stories until they talk to someone about it :)

to resume it very quickly my parents divorced when i was young, have no memories of my dad for half of my life, massive introvert, got bullied, don't have access to meds for my mental health

You might benefit from a professional psychologist, who might be able to figure out why you feel the way you do. Once you understand what is going on in your head, you would have a better chance of dealing with it.

i went to therapy but after a few months my mom stopped paying it cause "i need to suck it up because that's how life works", but they told me i was severely depressed which is something ig

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

to resume it very quickly my parents divorced when i was young, have no memories of my dad for half of my life, massive introvert, got bullied, don't have access to meds for my mental health

Oh that sounds really harsh. But you were able to get a partner and make online friends even through all of this. Why don't you have access to meds?

 

[hyuk✮i]

Oh that sounds really harsh. But you were able to get a partner and make online friends even through all of this. Why don't you have access to meds?

because it's seen as taboo and ''occidental bullshit''

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

because it's seen as taboo and ''occidental bullshit''

I used to feel like that too, in my country anyone who takes drugs for mental health is seen as someone who's insane. You could take them in secret if you fear people will judge you over it

 

[hyuk✮i]

I used to feel like that too, in my country anyone who takes drugs for mental health is seen as someone who's insane. You could take them in secret if you fear people will judge you over it

live with my parents and i'm broke

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

live with my parents and i'm broke

I live with my parents too
What are you diagnosed with?

 

[hyuk✮i]

I live with my parents too
What are you diagnosed with?

depression and bpd

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

depression and bpd

Oh that's difficult. I hope you get the help you need. How about your partner? Can he help you get those meds?

 

[hyuk✮i]

Oh that's difficult. I hope you get the help you need. How about your partner? Can he help you get those meds?

*she
and no we live in different countries but we might meet during a school trip i have in a few months (i am a senior)

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

*she
and no we live in different countries but we might meet during a school trip i have in a few months (i am a senior who's 18 just for an heads up)

I'm sorry I didn't mean to assume her gender
That's so cool. Is she gonna come to you or are you going to visit her in this school trip?

 

[dontletthembribeyou]

i feel so lost right now,, got online friends and a lovely partner yet here i am, wasting my life away being depressed and suicidal and sleep for hours
just what is wrong with me, yea i may have some bad memories there and there but some people have it way worse and still manage to thrive so why can't i too
i don't know i want to cry i want to die i want the pain to fucking stop i feel like a error in a code i'm not supposed to live i hate it i hate it

To be blunt, you probably need more in-person connections. Online friends are great, and I love mine, but if everyone you're close with is online that's a recipe for loneliness.

 

[hyuk✮i]

I'm sorry I didn't mean to assume her gender
That's so cool. Is she gonna come to you or are you going to visit her in this school trip?

the former

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

the former

That's something to look for. I hope you two have a fun time

 

[hyuk✮i]

To be blunt, you probably need more in-person connections. Online friends are great, and I love mine, but if everyone you're close with is online that's a recipe for loneliness.

i really tried to make some irl friends but everyone sees me as a weird freak and even if i find someone i either get bullied and manipulated or they try to sexually assault me

That's something to look for. I hope you two have a fun time

thank you

 

[dontletthembribeyou]

i really tried to make some irl friends but everyone sees me as a weird freak and even if i find someone i either get bullied and manipulated or they try to sexually assault me

thank you

I can relate to that. I wish I had advice. I'm sorry.