Venting why am I like this?

[annxietty]

So... I have many problems, but there is one particular problem that will ruin my life (even more), I cant (I CANT) keep a relationship, and Im not talking about a romantic one (Ive never had one lol) Im talking about keeping friends. I never suffered bullying, I moved quite a lot and the only hater Ive faced Its myself, I know Im extremely lucky since, unfortunately, bullying is common issue... I grew up with the same friends for more than 10 years, when I moved away I almost immediately lost contact with them (only kept talking to my best friend but stopped because some issues), Im now back to where I grew up, Its going to be 1 year since I came back but I havent contacted them (and I wont)...

Some time ago I moved to a place where I found """friends""" easily (we talked, they treated me very well, they were good people) but I moved out without saying a word to them, they called me multiple times, I never answered, they even contacted the police (im not proud about this)... then I moved again and again and again, and the story would repeat a couple of times more, but then something happened, I made friends online, we formed a discord group and would play games together, there were people from all around the planet there and it was so much fun... but when they talked about their lives I would keep quiet, how could I say I wasnt working, or studying, or that I dont have any money, that I was in a toxic environment, no friends, never had a lover... you get what Im saying... I really enjoyed one particular person, I think I developed a crush actually, he was very smart, I loved his voice, he always made me laugh.... well you probably guessed the end of the story, I stopped talking to all of them the moment I moved back here, almost a year ago... I sometimes dream about this guy, I dont even know his real name, his looks (I genuenly think I wouldnt care how he looks, I just loved the way he was, couldnt care less about his looks) I only know he is chinese lol, I missed them but I cant come back...

Since I moved here I made new acquaintances, I also lost all contact with them... I hate being like this because I would hate someone ghosting me, but... I cant change this... Im so afraid of having relationships, it terrifies me. I know I cant be myself, when I go to a job interview or talk to someone and then I talk about this event with my dad or sister they say "but you didnt say you have anxiety problems right? or that you take meds... right?" I think Im better alone but having friends was fun... sometimes I miss it you know? I know tonight I will dream about this guy lol and I dont want to wake up if thats the case, the dreams are so nice when he appears, I always cry a bit when I wake up, I dont even dream about dating or kissing or anything like that, just being friends, seeing each other, playing again together...

 

[LaughingGoat]

Can definitely relate to some of this. I've never had a friendship end on bad terms, I'm just terrible at staying in touch and we end up losing touch. I've done the same with book/discussion clubs where I get to know people and then just stop going even though a part of me enjoyed going.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

So... I have many problems, but there is one particular problem that will ruin my life (even more), I cant (I CANT) keep a relationship, and Im not talking about a romantic one (Ive never had one lol) Im talking about keeping friends. I never suffered bullying, I moved quite a lot and the only hater Ive faced Its myself, I know Im extremely lucky since, unfortunately, bullying is common issue... I grew up with the same friends for more than 10 years, when I moved away I almost immediately lost contact with them (only kept talking to my best friend but stopped because some issues), Im now back to where I grew up, Its going to be 1 year since I came back but I havent contacted them (and I wont)...

Some time ago I moved to a place where I found """friends""" easily (we talked, they treated me very well, they were good people) but I moved out without saying a word to them, they called me multiple times, I never answered, they even contacted the police (im not proud about this)... then I moved again and again and again, and the story would repeat a couple of times more, but then something happened, I made friends online, we formed a discord group and would play games together, there were people from all around the planet there and it was so much fun... but when they talked about their lives I would keep quiet, how could I say I wasnt working, or studying, or that I dont have any money, that I was in a toxic environment, no friends, never had a lover... you get what Im saying... I really enjoyed one particular person, I think I developed a crush actually, he was very smart, I loved his voice, he always made me laugh.... well you probably guessed the end of the story, I stopped talking to all of them the moment I moved back here, almost a year ago... I sometimes dream about this guy, I dont even know his real name, his looks (I genuenly think I wouldnt care how he looks, I just loved the way he was, couldnt care less about his looks) I only know he is chinese lol, I missed them but I cant come back...

Since I moved here I made new acquaintances, I also lost all contact with them... I hate being like this because I would hate someone ghosting me, but... I cant change this... Im so afraid of having relationships, it terrifies me. I know I cant be myself, when I go to a job interview or talk to someone and then I talk about this event with my dad or sister they say "but you didnt say you have anxiety problems right? or that you take meds... right?" I think Im better alone but having friends was fun... sometimes I miss it you know? I know tonight I will dream about this guy lol and I dont want to wake up if thats the case, the dreams are so nice when he appears, I always cry a bit when I wake up, I dont even dream about dating or kissing or anything like that, just being friends, seeing each other, playing again together...

Sounds like fear of rejection/abandonment. Pull away before they can hurt you. You can't be hurt if you're not there to be hurt, or if it was your choice to call it quits before they did. They can't quit on you if you don't commit. It's hard enough if you're a moderately successful self-sufficient person in society to make friends or date, but if you have nothing and can't contribute anything but a personality. I consider that polarizing/paralyzing. It's hard to get to know you if you don't share, let alone want to share, and people don't just want the trivial personality version of you. So you're expected to bring certain things to the table, and when you can't, you're left alone. You show up to the table to say hi and have a fun night, figuratively or literally, but when things get real, how are you supposed to tell the truth about yourself? You can't, because then they'd run; so, you leave first. Hurts less. You just have to be honest and hope for the best. If someone tried to initiate something with you and then they laid down the real facts, would you still accept them? Probably. A lot of people can't handle conflict or problems in relationships. So they end it. If someone is worth it, you'll stay and fight through being uncomfortable. They'll stay even though you have problems. A big thing is they may not know how to help you and that scares them. So if you have goals but a in a bad place, that helps. I'd put the facts out sooner, not right away, but don't omit, or lie, put it out there that you're not proud of where you are. Brace yourself for the results. Be ready to deal with the loss and rejection. If you want to go back to people, reconnect and apologize for shutting them out and best describe why you couldn't handle a friendship let alone anything more. Maybe let it be known what your expectations are going into something, that you're not looking for something full-fledged, but someone you can count on because this is what you can offer right now. Good luck.