Venting Who/what do you blame for your desire to CTB?

[skeptikus]

I know the question sounds childish, but that's precisely what I want commenters to be.

Do not comment with the "noble reason" that sounds so good but contains no truth, it can be an answer to the Miss Universe pageant.

Rather, I want to hear your raw, unfiltered, no-holds-barred, stream-of-consciousness, childish reason for who or what you are blaming as the main reason for you to seriously consider to CTB.

 

[SignatureRequired]

My parents for making me, had they just considered all of their suffering before making the decision. Despite all of their trauma, they went ahead and made me anyway. I've even become an emotional punching bag, transferring their trauma on to me, alongside my own fucked up life experiences.

But the more I look at it, I blame everyone for having children. Everyone is born to suffer, and often unintentionally force others to suffer too. So, childish me here, I blame 'everyone'.

 

[s00ngone]

Only myself. There were other factors, and no small share of trauma, but the way I feel and act now points to it being true all along that I am just fundamentally at odds with life like I always felt I was. Now I'm just Machiavellian and remorseless about it until my very fast approaching end.

It would be nice and easy to blame anybody else, and maybe The System or my parents bear some of that blame, but I think it's more honest to assume it now. I'll take it with me, if I don't pass it on to those who knew and loved me.

 

[25dRvS9Ka]

My wife: During my childhood and adolescence, I was surrounded by emotional abandonment and verbal domestic abuse, leaving me in a highly vulnerable situation.

When I met my wife, my low-key hope was to receive emotional support and intellectual development, but instead I was bombarded with severe insults and restrictions in social circles. I was groomed at the age of sixteen by a poorly developed woman of twenty-one. As a man, the culture of discouragement discourages seeking help, no matter what you are going through. It has been ten years since she came from another state to live with my family and I did not have the courage to ask for help with the separation.

Over time, her obsessive behavior changed and today I am widely respected, but my depression has become a chronic condition. I cannot go a single day without thinking about committing suicide at least ten times a day.

 

[inthesky123]

My parents and this messed up system. Seen others in better situations than me mess up 10 times worse. If I don't ctb there's always a chance I may end up in some unwanted trouble or situation. Ctb is a means of escape and a necessity for all the emotional damage I have felt over the years.

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

I blame my parents, for bringing me here without my consent and expecting me to live and enjoy life in a dying world.

I blame my friends, so-called since they only saw me as a means to an end and abandoned me once I became too difficult.

I blame the mental health industry, whose treatments barely did anything to address the rot I have inside my heart and continues to perpetuate its own lies at the cost of the people it claims to help.

I blame capitalism, the model which dictates that profits are more important than people and continues to burn the world so that a small group of people can become richer.

But most importantly, I blame myself, for not being strong or good enough to make things work when so many others are able to.

 

[ignorableaurochs]

nobody, really. maybe myself. I am mentally very unwell and I have repeatedly failed to get better despite lots of interventions. I'm just not good enough. maybe if I were, I would improve. I don't know. I do know I self sabotage. I hate it. I hate myself.

I do resent living in a world so full of misogyny. lately I am feeling more and more mistrustful of men. it has always been bad but I notice more and more how they all - even the 'good ones' - fall into these patriarchal constructs where they view us as objects. it makes me feel sick and degraded, and validates the existing knowledge that I am worthless. the sickest thought I have had recently is probably that all women should commit revolutionary suicide as there is no hope for us. but it is not my place to tell other people what to do. I just don't want to be alive any more.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Depression and myself.

I had a good guy and I fucked it up. I'm done with this shit.

 

[Namelesa]

I mostly blame my first relationship break up to be the main starting catalyst for my suicidalness now tho a better word to say is that it caused it as I am not going say what she did to be an immoral thing to do as anyone is allowed to leave each other. Even tho it was a 2 and half month relationship it broke me as before that I never really got close to anyone ever. Now anything doesn't compare to the feeling of a relationship and so I feel empty and depressed without one. But cus of how often people left me (which for some I definitely blame myself for and feel forever guilty for) before this relationship now my fear of abandonment is so much more intense meaning it also painfully to be in a relationship now. Even after 3 years I still feel this way and I have no idea what to do about it. Probably sounds childish for why I am like this but I don't care if it is, any reason to want to die is valid in my opinion.

 

[before20]

A lot of things, but realistically this all started because I started abusing pot and failed out of college, losing my full ride scholarship to my top university

 

[ketopia]

Myself. I have no one to blame for my position in life or my circumstances. I didn't plan and so nothing was achieved. The story of my life will fit on a post-it note and still no one should waste their time reading it.

 

[Redacted24]

I wish I could say that's it's my abusive spouse of 20+ years... that's the proximate driver of my desire to be done these past 8 years.

But I can't pin my depression solely on her. She's exacerbated it, but it's been there since I was a teen last millennium.

It's come out at times when I've had great disappointments due to work or school, then gone silent when circumstances improved.

But it's been there loitering throughout.

So honestly it's my own problem and I've never been able to rid myself of it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Just life in general. Myself for not taking enough chances. Playing the blame game isn't going to change what is now.

 

[Fall_Apart]

I blame only existence. I cannot blame people because we are all victims of existence. Living a good or bad life, long or short, will not make much difference to anyone in the end. Existence itself is designed for a bitter end, and this concept is evil even if you may experience some moments of happiness in the meantime. Only non-existence is the permanent state of grace.

 

[s00ngone]

A lot of things, but realistically this all started because I started abusing pot and failed out of college, losing my full ride scholarship to my top university

Holy fuck. Another person who lost a full ride scholarship. I'm so sorry. I was part of a scholarship program that would've been a full ride from private middle school up to college, but I blew it and had to leave at 13.

I don't have advice or words of hope, just know I see you, even if our experiences were different.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

The people who have abandoned me

 

[Hollowman]

Myself, parents and doctors.

 

[before20]

Holy fuck. Another person who lost a full ride scholarship. I'm so sorry. I was part of a scholarship program that would've been a full ride from private middle school up to college, but I blew it and had to leave at 13.

I don't have advice or words of hope, just know I see you, even if our experiences were different.

I'm really sorry, too. That's devastating. And really, thank you so much for your words; they made me feel seen for sure :)

 

[badkarma4618]

i 100% blame myself for slipping too far into the ache, for drowning in my own pity when i should have just fought harder. i know i am weak, selfish even, for letting the weight pull me down so far. yeah the blame is on me for being too fragile to cope with hand i was dealt.

 

[timechained]

God.

 

[divinemistress36]

Genetics , trauma , medical malpractice

 

[endlessmelancholy]

Although I don't believe in God I would blame him or fate.

 

[Ashu]

Bad genes and bad experiences.

 

[NonEssential]

Mostly myself, but also everyone else a little bit for their poor attempt at help and contributions to my loneliness.

 

[bankai]

Actually nothing. I don't believe in God. And the world didn't make me how I am.

Few years ago I just started suffering from a lack of joy. And that's that. It makes life completely worthless. Doesn't matter how good you have it. None of that will matter.

 

[dontletthembribeyou]

Being ugly and autistic. It's basically impossible to build a decent life like this unless you're really good at something profitable or you're born with connections. Neither of those apply to me

 

[dead dav]

Myself mainly but also the broken support system in this country I'm just a big failure in life

 

[FuneralCry]

I blame being forced into this futile and cruel existence in the first place as my wish to not exist is a response to existence, I'll always see existence as the most terrible tragic mistake that just causes harm and suffering and I'd never wish for something as torturous as existence, for me non-existence is all that's positive.

I'll always find it so deeply undesirable to suffer in this existence with no limit as to how much one can suffer, I'd just always prefer the peace of an eternal dreamless sleep over suffering in this existence so unnecessarily just to die tortured by old age, existence to me really is the problem and I'd never wish for any of this, all I want is to never exist ever again, I'll always find it so deeply undesirable to exist, if it's up to me I'd choose to erase my existence so it's like I never suffered at all.

 

[Forveleth]

My emotionally abusive partner of 10 years who has slowly worn me away to a hollow shell of a human. Also my parents who, I have discovered through therapy, raised me in such a way that set me up to have a pretty fucked up head.

 

[Alexandra0]

I blame my mother the most, I have told her this a million times. I also blame my entire family, those who were involved in my birth. Getting pregnant at 18 is too early. The only thing I have seen in this world is suffering, suffering and more suffering. The world is full of suffering and it is truly horrifying!