Who has had an abusive upbringing and/or grew up in bad poverty?

[Definitelyworried]

Here's a funny one when I was 19 she activated a credit card offer for me that showed up in her mail and ruined my credit. It came down to her being charged with fraud or me saying I made the charges.

My parents forced me to co-sign on my mom's divorced mortgage, now she might be getting sued by the "US department of justice" and she won't allow me to get any info. I ask her to let me see the letter, she tells me to mind my own business. I'm watching her destroy my credit and lose our home, and there is nothing I can do.
She is torturing me mentally.
I know she has an anger behavior problem.
She is a delusional, ignorant narcisist.
I don't know when I will be able to escape this emotional prison my parents have placed me in.
They smile and hug me in front of my face, that is why I trusted them, but they stab me behind my back and they kick me while I'm down. I feel they have already killed me. I don't see how I can come out of this.

 

[Definitelyworried]

In my case it did destroy my life. It definitely started me down a bad path. The thing about child abuse and poverty is if u don't understand why this is your lot in life, you will question if there is a God. Not believing in definite right and wrong really harmed me because then I could justify not following social norms. Maybe it's not god I believe in but definitely in the Ten Commandments. So basically I became very nihilistic as a young person growing up in that environment and behaved in ways that didn't bring me lasting meaning, fulfillment, but only more and more pain. I ended up childless, poor, and alone, partly do to just bad choices because I didn't think anything I did mattered and I thought morality was relative not objective. I lived immorally and my life is a reflection today for sure. I also thought I had no control over what happens to me. I didn't realize that to some extent I was choosing my bad life. I thought I was just doomed from the start and there's not much I can do. Of course brainwashing by our government and in the schools certainly didn't help. Being taught things that aren't actually that important, but not being taught what actually does matter.

I agree with a lot of this, I feel very similarly.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

I can relate to this so much... Did you want to injure them seriously or you still want it? I a lot.

Sorry you had to go through that. It's excruciating and friends don't realize how hard it is to live this way and how their advice doesn't work at this level.

I don't have any desire to injure them. Part of them feels like they're doing the right thing or parenting the way they were parented. My mom had some of her own childhood problems, so maybe she became narcissistic as a survival/coping mechanism. However, at some point you'd think one would stop the cycle of bad parenting or at least listen to your child. But they stand their ground.

I think my death will be painful for them. They won't understand it and they will no longer have anyone to understand what their needs are, teach them how things work, handle legal paperwork for them, etc. It's a sad state of affairs all around.

 

[Smilla]

My Mom stole money from me (I wasn't living with her at the time).

When I later confronted her she threw it back at me and said "I don't want your dirty money anyway".

Too many other horror stories to list.

 

[Morning Angel]

This thread breaks my heart honestly - to know that so many people spent most of their childhood feeling this unloved and unsafe. I guess the only question I have now is whether people think it would've made a big difference in their wanting to die or not if they had a better childhood.

 

[Tiburcio]

This thread breaks my heart honestly - to know that so many people spent most of their childhood feeling this unloved. I guess the only question I have now is whether people think it would've made a big difference in their wanting to die or not if they had a better childhood.

Yes it does... If my parents wouldn't act like they acted I would never realized any of this and I wouldn't want to die... I would have a mediocre life which I would like as almost everyone so better I passed this way... The way is very hard but better as a long term solution.

 

[Bleakmind]

It makes me feel bad because I grew up with wealthy, supportive, generous parents that spoiled the shit out of me.

However, from a young age I knew that my race and my looks would keep me from finding love, which I yearned for so badly. So I started resenting my parents, because their genetic makeup formed mine, and boy do I hate my genetics. I did not see in my parents a reflection of who I was and wanted to be. Instead I saw a reflection of the things I hated about myself. I hate myself for it, but I have always been cold and unloving towards them, in spite of their support and generosity.

So I pretty grew up without a family, instead being raised by people who I saw as ATMs and cooks and utility. It's pathetic and disgusting. So that combination of having no real family connection and having lost all hope at finding love is what constitutes a major part of why I want to end my life.

Just out of curiosity, what is this unlovable race? I don't mean to belittle how you feel because there is obviously a reason. But in my humble opinion, the problem isn't your race but those around you who either reinforced the self hate by teaching you your differences and those who were unable to love you regardless of how you look. Society is a big vicious machine. I like you had a decent upbringing with amazing parents (the reason I can never get to finish it all). They were from different ethnic groups but never taught us the difference till we would hear it from maids, neighbors, friends and I literally hated myself and never understood why. The big deal? My parents and I survived a genocide where some members of one ethnic group was on a mission to wipe out the other. I am passing for Afro Latina, biracial, East African (my point is I have been mistaken for many nationalities) so growing up I would deny my actual identity and assume others. I have sooooo many suppressed memories that most of the ones I have before I was 10 have been corrected by my family (false memories). A lot of people don't get it but I can somewhat relate to the feeling but as someone who grew to love myself, I'd be wrong if I didn't tell you to reflect because had your race been the issue, no one who belongs to that race would have love, happiness or anything else you feel you have been deprived of.


Anyways, this isn't my reason but your comment caught my attention because of the mentioned shared experience.

 

[Sun Stealer]

My father was abusive and a drunk. My mother was barely home. I basically grew up alone, without being taught the importance of human connections, hence I never knew how important they were until I lost my ex which was the most important person in the world to me, and the only one that loved me. I developed BPD as well. I wouldn't say that it fucked me up for life, but it certainly makes it feel pointless to even try anymore when you were not taught how to be a proper human being with emotions.

I am in same situation i guess. i grew up in the opposite of poverty but my mom left my dad when i was 4 and my dad was never there due to work so was left with an abusive person my dad hired

 

[Putridsoul]

My father made me the horrible person I am today. I hate him with passion and I also hate mysel, because I actually carry part of him within me, and always will. I feel like as long as I live, I spread his evil around the world, and that is best for the world to end myself so I kill him for good.

I always found funny how theese christian commandements, have one that specifically states that you have to "Honor your father and your mother"...but there are no commandements about being understanding and caring with your children and providing them with all they need, non abusing them, non insulting them, non beating them, no humilliating them, not scare them, not make them feel useless, wrong, and guilty, not intimidating them or threaten them with beatings, torture, mutilation, or death. This world is fucked up on it's very basis. The weak are literally predated by the strong, and you can only shut up, hide, stay small, hope than in the future it will get better... But it can't get better, because all that is happening to you is starting to be part of you, and that will never leave you.

 

[Tiburcio]

My father made me the horrible person I am today. I hate him with passion and I also hate mysel, because I actually carry part of him within me, and always will. I feel like as long as I live, I spread his evil around the world, and that is best for the world to end myself so I kill him for good.

I always found funny how theese christian commandements, have one that specifically states that you have to "Honor your father and your mother"...but there are no commandements about being understanding and caring with your children and providing them with all they need, non abusing them, non insulting them, non beating them, no humilliating them, not scare them, not make them feel useless, wrong, and guilty, not intimidating them or threaten them with beatings, torture, mutilation, or death. This world is fucked up on it's very basis. The weak are literally predated by the strong, and you can only shut up, hide, stay small, hope than in the future it will get better... But it can't get better, because all that is happening to you is starting to be part of you, and that will never leave you.

I can relate a lot with this. I also agree a lot with it, specially the part of protecting the child.

 

[Sun Stealer]

I agree so much, i went to a school run by ''christian'' nuns. they were so evil they just wanted to break you any way they could, somehow in the name of god.

 

[Smilla]

My father made me the horrible person I am today. I hate him with passion and I also hate mysel, because I actually carry part of him within me, and always will. I feel like as long as I live, I spread his evil around the world, and that is best for the world to end myself so I kill him for good.

I always found funny how theese christian commandements, have one that specifically states that you have to "Honor your father and your mother"...but there are no commandements about being understanding and caring with your children and providing them with all they need, non abusing them, non insulting them, non beating them, no humilliating them, not scare them, not make them feel useless, wrong, and guilty, not intimidating them or threaten them with beatings, torture, mutilation, or death. This world is fucked up on it's very basis. The weak are literally predated by the strong, and you can only shut up, hide, stay small, hope than in the future it will get better... But it can't get better, because all that is happening to you is starting to be part of you, and that will never leave you.

Brilliant. We came into existence to make our parents happy or to fulfill their dreams via us, and they instilled in us the gift of fear while pretending to love us.

I owe them nothing. I gave enough.

Not to mention the ludicrous Christian platitudes of honor thy Father and Mother.

Sorry, I'm not buying into this idiocy, the lunatic asylum of bringing innocent beings into the world for the whims and pleasures of whom exactly?

 

[killmepls]

My abusive family is the huge reason my life is so fucked up they traumatized me and even actively sabotaged my life so it is the shit show it is now.

 

[Cat5]

Yeah. I can't even find the energy to write about it, but even now, as an adult, it's bad.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

only question I have now is whether people think it would've made a big difference in their wanting to die or not if they had a better childhood.

Better childhood would have made a big difference in my adulthood. During my life, I think I would have been able to:

• make connections and felt safe with some people (attachment theory)
• to take more sustained risks and not feel like a f**k-up or weirdo when things weren't perfect; I would have viewed mistakes and recovering from mistakes as normal and acceptable
• know what behavior is good and what is bad. know I could be correct.
• know I could say no or speak up against bad behavior instead of thinking I had to endure it

Otherwise, I think I did okay (e.g., got out of being poor, not jail or prison time, not evil, etc.). I've learned a lot the last couple of years; one thing that annoys me is how useless therapy was in understanding any of this.

 

[Plankter]

I had the perfect childhood. Both my parents are brilliant people. My family has always been very supportive of me. I was the teachers' favorite student at school.
Yet here we are. Honestly i cant draw a line at where my life started becoming like this. I was a lucky person by birth but i ended up on a suicide forum nonetheless

 

[Sun Stealer]

I had the perfect childhood. Both my parents are brilliant people. My family has always been very supportive of me. I was the teachers' favorite student at school.
Yet here we are. Honestly i cant draw a line at where my life started becoming like this. I was a lucky person by birth but i ended up on a suicide forum nonetheless

I am so sorry Plankter, i was lucky at birth but then things fell apart. Hope you can find some support here

 

[Sun Stealer]

Better childhood would have made a big difference in my adulthood. During my life, I think I would have been able to:

• make connections and felt safe with some people (attachment theory)
• to take more sustained risks and not feel like a f**k-up or weirdo when things weren't perfect; I would have viewed mistakes and recovering from mistakes as normal and acceptable
• know what behavior is good and what is bad. know I could be correct.
• know I could say no or speak up against bad behavior instead of thinking I had to endure it

Otherwise, I think I did okay (e.g., got out of being poor, not jail or prison time, not evil, etc.). I've learned a lot the last couple of years; one thing that annoys me is how useless therapy was in understanding any of this.

Yes therapy is useless when people are so gone, i think we are better talking amongst ourselves. Im glad you seem to have a perspective on past troubles and hope that can help you

 

[throwaway123]

What happened? Did it screw you up for life?

It is always about where and how you grew up. The first 20 years of your life will determine the rest.

 

[Sun Stealer]

It is always about where and how you grew up. The first 20 years of your life will determine the rest.

Agreed and mine was pretty crapp

 

[here4now]

My family was poor and dad was often violent. Mom tried her best and she cares for me but growing up was not easy.

Did it screw you up for life?

I think it's impossible to pinpoint the exact thing that screwed me up. I was sexually abused when I was kid, bullied at school and beaten up at home. Mental illnesses can be genetical but I think some of the environmental factors in my childhood didn't help.

I lost my childhood and most of my youth to mental illness. I'm hoping it didn't screw me up for life but there is only one way to find out.

 

[Sun Stealer]

My family was poor and dad was often violent. Mom tried her best and she cares for me but growing up was not easy.



I think it's impossible to pinpoint the exact thing that screwed me up. I was sexually abused when I was kid, bullied at school and beaten up at home. Mental illnesses can be genetical but I think some of the environmental factors in my childhood didn't help.

I lost my childhood and most of my youth to mental illness. I'm hoping it didn't screw me up for life but there is only one way to find out.

Just physical abuse broke me, endured it for years and to afraid to tell someone

 

[here4now]

Just physical abuse broke me, endured it for years and to afraid to tell someone

For years I didn't tell anyone either. I just figured that everyone has to deal with shitty things in life and that there was something wrong with me for not being able to function like a normal person when everything was "fine".

 

[Sun Stealer]

For years I didn't tell anyone either. I just figured that everyone has to deal with shitty things in life and that there was something wrong with me for not being able to function like a normal person when everything was "fine".

So sorry you suffered my friend

 

[Sadgirl19]

What happened? Did it screw you up for life?

I was forced to do a lot of things that messed me up. I don't know if it was sexual abuse or just weird physical abuse, but it really messed with my head.

My mom would just turn her head. If I said something to her, she'd say it sounded like I was enjoying it.

She ostracized me from my entire family.
I learned that my only worth was something sexual and it lead me into abusive relationships down the line.
My first SO was the sweetest, most romantic person I've ever met. I spent the entire time we were together feeling guilty because he deserved someone better than me.

There have been so many times I've gotten back up and tried again, but I'm just exhausted now. My SO of almost 9 years let me think for a year that he cheated on me.I had regarded him as basically dead.
Now he says he didn't. Sexually abused me years ago, physically abuses me off and on. I keep forgiving and he keeps taking, but this is who I was made to be. I truly don't know how to be different or leave a situation like this.

I don't know how I can ever feel normal or ok after everything, and yes, I entirely blame my upbringing for it all.

 

[Sun Stealer]

So sorry sad girl. I was just physically abused and emotionally. It's like no amount of help can fix it.

 

[Sadgirl19]

So sorry sad girl. I was just physically abused and emotionally. It's like no amount of help can fix it.

It's ok. I'm very sorry about your situation as well. No one should have to be treated that way.

Yep, you're totally right. I've been in and out of therapy for years, talked to dozens of people who have tried to help me, but I have no idea how to be truly different. I don't know what it means to care about myself. I think that's what abuse does to people.

My boyfriend just hit me again the other day and I feel it's finally sunk in to me that there's no hope of him or us ever getting better. But I still feel like this is just the way I have to be.

I imagine leaving and living a life I want, but I would be full of crippling anxiety wondering when someone would hurt me again. Sometimes it feels safer not having to wonder, but just knowing that they will. That mindset and all the damage seems impossible to get rid of.

 

[useless]

I guess the only question I have now is whether people think it would've made a big difference in their wanting to die or not if they had a better childhood.

The idea of suicide probably wouldn't be so firmly lodged in my head if my mother hadn't constantly told my family members to kill themselves in graphic detail. I witnessed one of their suicide attempts when I was a child; death has always been a solution in the back of my mind. If I was never exposed to these things, I definitely would not be here.

 

[bigj75]

Only child/ adopted
Mom got me severely obese as a child before her death so i had health problems as a kid (almost choked to death a few times on my own mucus from the shit i was fed) The result has given me bullying ive had to deal with almost all my life, body issues (stretch marks like a pregnant chick), scared to take my shirt off in front of girls so i cant even have sexual relationships now without trying to keep my clothes on (every girl has broken up with me because of it).
Dad was a drunk who hit me sometimes and verbally/emotionally abused to the point where i have anxiety, suicidal tendencies, mental disorders, and extreme self doubt. I can barely look at people in the eye, i sound like a little white kid when i talk cause im afraid to raise my voice, have nightmares of my own father, struggle with everything because of it.
Moved around a lot
Got into football lost some weight
Got decent looking as teen but still had body issues and mental instability/depression
Got alot of attention from girls but still mentally not all the way there and still kinda fat to be able to progress with women and still had body issues but was starting to get over how i looked and more extroverted
Mental illness/body issues still there that led to an accident where i lost all my looks at 17 that left me traumatized and severely even more depressed and unable to play football
Cant function properly in society from all the shit i went through. Literally at the point now to where I'm constantly thinking about suicide.

 

[TAW122]

While my family is about middle class, my upbringing isn't smooth at all. My parents are both emotionally abusive, and during my childhood, my father was physically abusive as well. While my physical needs are met, the emotional and psychological abuse is long lasting and very damaging towards my development as a human being. Also, most of my childhood as well as adult life still sucks, adult life isn't any easier for me either due to my babbage from my past as well as my Aspergers and social anxiety.