who else is generally happy but thinks about suicide?

[kitty.iceFS]

hey , i'm a new member here, i've been lurking for quite a bit now but

as of now, people will generally consider me a happy person, someone with a stable life - I have friends, ..ish, i'm in college achieving a lot, do a lot of sports and well, just in the best place than I've ever been for a long time
but..like i've been at the lowest point of my life a couple of years ago, not long ago this start of this year I've attempted , i've only attempted about three times in my life but suicide is always on my mind everyday, I fantasise about it all day all night daily consistently for over 5 years now

sorry for the waffling, but I just wanted to ask if anyone else is generally at a good place but still making plans to CTB for whatever reason, or maybe no reason at all? I just feel so alone because I have so many good reasons to live and keep existing but I just don't want to bother keep going on, I just want to be gone forever - lights out.

 

[CatchingTheOrcaHome]

Thats how I am yeah. Been like this for about two years now. Things are good, happy, loved ones, stability. Just not enough.

 

[Spectre]

How interesting... I mean it could always be an emergency exit plan. I'd walk around with a Nembutal pill with me at all times if I could.

 

[AfterhoursTVU]

Eu também sou um membro novo aqui e me sinto da mesma forma, é uma sensação estranha. E tenho esses pensamentos de que sou ingrato pela vida, mas não consigo parar de pensar que "dormir" para sempre é melhor do que tentar viver pelo resto da minha vida.

(Sorry if my English it's bad, it's not my first language.)

 

[orpheus_]

I think being "happy in life" is not such a zero/one thing, especially if someone has been in a very bad place and suicidal before. A "good" life has many aspects and some of them can be fulfilled more, some not. Like you can be "objectively" successful, or have good social life, but not experience many emotions or pleasure. Or you might feel emotionally good, but at the same time life feels meaningless and you kind of feel like you're going nowhere.

I can kind of relate as now I'm going through a relatively good moment of my life but I still think about ctb, it's strange because at the same time I feel like everything's fine, and like everything's painfully numb. I have also gone through some other weird mixes like this.

It could be also that if your mind once got "used to" suicide as an idea, it starts treating it as a solution to general life problems or some kind of discomfort

Anyway you can feel not-great even if your life looks "good" from the outside. Also for many people with mental problems like depression, their mood can kind of live its own life, like making someone suicidal without any external reason.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

My life is amazing and I crave death often.

 

[simji_is_offline]

I feel like I go from safety and comfort to feelings of extreme dread and the need to escape. It's like every day I have to fight off this creeping anxiety but it's just building and building and turning into the need to harm myself.

 

[an_alias]

this is a totally normal way to feel IMHO. even if you've got those Nice Brain Chemicals making you feel nice, that doesn't give you any sort of immunity to pessimistic thinking. i for one right now feel pretty content with my life but would still probably CTB if I had a bottle of SN in front of me rn; my emotional state is ultimately temporary and doesn't have much sway in how i think about a more permanent solution (viz. CTBing) :P