I am in a very weird spot. I barely sleep despite the fact I increased my medication. I have a new crush but I tend to become paranoid and ruin it. It hurts so fucking much. Recently my paranoia ruined a chance with an incredible woman. It felt like someone was tearing my heart into pieces. And it is likely that shit will simply repeat itself soon. I just cannot stomach all that pain anymore. I notice when I go too early to bed I wake up very early. So I start posting threads to postpone my sleep a little bit. I was awake today at 2:30 a.m. and could not sleep anymore. I am scared to become psychotic again. My friends tell me I sound paranoid. It seems likely that hellhole the extreme paranoia will soon repeat itself.
Fuck my life. I will take a sleeping pill tonight. Tomorrow there will be the annual New Years party with my friends. I need more sleep.
Here is a thread to distract myself.
Often I don't like the idea of merchandise. It is like a poison of capitalism. One pays way too much money for products just to signal one likes this artist, franchise, company etc. Especially when the quality is rather mediocre.
Personally I don't own much. I sold a lot of my possessions after my manias. I sold a lot of merchandise too. Especially from animes, video games, mangas. I had the feeling to that time I need to grow up/mature. I regret that now because I also sold some things under value. But in the depths of depression it felt completely the right thing to do.
I changed my behavior slightly afterwards. I really had this idea to barely own anything. But the pain with that was too much. I simulated poverty to that time.
I am now a collector on a very limited amount of products. I am a big fan of David Foster Wallace. I own almost all books of him on German. Also some CDs where the stories a read out aloud. I love the CDs they were the starting point for that. There gladly is no official merchandise of DFW. He would have hated it. Lol. There is some unofficial merchandise like for example bookmarks. But merch for DFW feels so fucking wrong. So I won't buy it.
I have some Death Note merchandise. Like one of these cool cups. You can even find them in mainstream businesses. I also have the Death Note itself. Before my first breakdown I joked with my friends and we wrote each others names into it. I think one of my friends wrote that me and some others will commit suicide. Lol. But the time will be off. Lol. I have two other small things. But I won't specify them.
My by far biggest sin is Lil Peep merch. It does not even have good quality. But I spent some money into it. In general Peep motivated me to care more about my outer appearance and fashion. Which is sort of useless because my psychotic brain ruins every attempt to find a girlfriend.
I have two Lil Peep shirts, soon a jacket, two dog-tags. Combined this costed 120 Euros. But I never bought and never will buy his CDs I downloaded the songs from youtube which is legal as far as I know. I am curious about the quality of the jacket.
I bought one pair of shoes that are similar to his style but no merchandise.
I think there a people with way bigger collections. I am glad I am not such extreme into it. I don't have a lot of money. And will probably experience poverty before I kill myself.
Fuck my life. I will take a sleeping pill tonight. Tomorrow there will be the annual New Years party with my friends. I need more sleep.
Here is a thread to distract myself.
Often I don't like the idea of merchandise. It is like a poison of capitalism. One pays way too much money for products just to signal one likes this artist, franchise, company etc. Especially when the quality is rather mediocre.
Personally I don't own much. I sold a lot of my possessions after my manias. I sold a lot of merchandise too. Especially from animes, video games, mangas. I had the feeling to that time I need to grow up/mature. I regret that now because I also sold some things under value. But in the depths of depression it felt completely the right thing to do.
I changed my behavior slightly afterwards. I really had this idea to barely own anything. But the pain with that was too much. I simulated poverty to that time.
I am now a collector on a very limited amount of products. I am a big fan of David Foster Wallace. I own almost all books of him on German. Also some CDs where the stories a read out aloud. I love the CDs they were the starting point for that. There gladly is no official merchandise of DFW. He would have hated it. Lol. There is some unofficial merchandise like for example bookmarks. But merch for DFW feels so fucking wrong. So I won't buy it.
I have some Death Note merchandise. Like one of these cool cups. You can even find them in mainstream businesses. I also have the Death Note itself. Before my first breakdown I joked with my friends and we wrote each others names into it. I think one of my friends wrote that me and some others will commit suicide. Lol. But the time will be off. Lol. I have two other small things. But I won't specify them.
My by far biggest sin is Lil Peep merch. It does not even have good quality. But I spent some money into it. In general Peep motivated me to care more about my outer appearance and fashion. Which is sort of useless because my psychotic brain ruins every attempt to find a girlfriend.
I have two Lil Peep shirts, soon a jacket, two dog-tags. Combined this costed 120 Euros. But I never bought and never will buy his CDs I downloaded the songs from youtube which is legal as far as I know. I am curious about the quality of the jacket.
I bought one pair of shoes that are similar to his style but no merchandise.
I think there a people with way bigger collections. I am glad I am not such extreme into it. I don't have a lot of money. And will probably experience poverty before I kill myself.
