I have no clue what you mean but...
Don't hit your nose on the door, wake up gasping for air intensely not knowing what the fuck just happened, get a scar on your nose and above your eyebrow, break down and feel miserable about having failed. Then cry about it nonstop for a couple of hours. Feel trapped about having it as your only method yet understand that you need to perfect it if you're willing to escape this hellhole, and lastly, feel jealous about them SN users. Lucky bunch, wish I could have access to SN. Fuck this world, god I feel so trapped. Sorry though, I don't know what you mean, but surviving partial is demoralizing. Do plenty of research and if you can access SN then it's even better, assuming you choose to ctb in the end, it's your own choice but you don't have to suffer. Especially failure, it's an awful experience.