Discussion Where in life are you right now?

[Graytaichi]

Im not a prolifer. Ending life is like fighting the biggest battle of your life. If u lose , you ends it . Its v sad.

 

[kovu]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, I am in a somewaht similar situation regarding parents and lack of financial stability. I am still in uni, unfortunately didn't do very well and been failing/not even showing up for exams these past two years since my life was basically put on hold due to covid, moving back in with my family in a small town in the middle of nowhere, having no money, no hope etc.
I recently moved out into a very small studio, got an okay job and I plan on going back to studying for uni stuff.
Looking from the outside, things are most likely better but I still feel very depressed, always tired and not very hopeful about pretty much anything. I hate being alive and I don't even have it that bad...I mostly contemplate on how much worse things can, and innevitably will get and it's ruining my life
I guess I feel unfulfilled as these past couple of years were nothing but bunch of failures, I know I'm still young but I couldn't stand living a lot longer like this

Haven't ever been to uni, but even just studying for and keeping up with school was a struggle; it feels pretty pointless when you're sure won't need it in a bit more time. I'm glad you managed to get a job and your own place again, and going back to uni sounds like a plan. I hope I'll also be able to stand on my own two feet soon. Of course, paint me guilty of constantly contemplating just how much worse everything will certainly become, still I hope things are looking up for you. Just keep at it and good luck.

 

[Leiden]

In utter hell.

Im sorry you are struggling and I hope it can somehow get better for you.

 

[kovu]

In utter hell.

Im sorry you are struggling and I hope it can somehow get better for you.

Thanks, same to you. Btw I don't know if it's a coincidence, but your username reminds me of Violet Evergarden

 

[lofticries]

The bar is in hell. That's all I'm gonna say.

 

[Aboutblue]

I don't know if I can kill myself anymore so all I can think to do is try to sleep as much as I can. Might go to the store and get cold medicine as that used to work but felt shitty or maybe I should try to get sleeping pills.

I ruined a long-term relationship with a girl who was loving, kind and always took care of me. She was my world but I lost sight of it. Last night I went through the whole thing in my mind from beginning to end as if I were going back in time telling myself what not to do. It was overwhelming. I was filled with self-hate and rage. She will never speak to me again but I don't have that option. I wish I could erase my entire existence but I can't. Even if I became a better person somehow it wouldn't change a single thing in the past.

 

[outatime_85]

I think I am too far behind in my life to recover, but I am staying in my fight for now.

 

[Burner1234]

Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

[ConstantPain]

I'm disgusted with my husband, desperately want to leave but don't have enough $ to although I have a full-time job. I'm too old and don't have the energy to start over anyways. Like a lot of us on this site, I'm just waiting to die.

 

[kovu]

I don't know if I can kill myself anymore so all I can think to do is try to sleep as much as I can. Might go to the store and get cold medicine as that used to work but felt shitty or maybe I should try to get sleeping pills.

I ruined a long-term relationship with a girl who was loving, kind and always took care of me. She was my world but I lost sight of it. Last night I went through the whole thing in my mind from beginning to end as if I were going back in time telling myself what not to do. It was overwhelming. I was filled with self-hate and rage. She will never speak to me again but I don't have that option. I wish I could erase my entire existence but I can't. Even if I became a better person somehow it wouldn't change a single thing in the past.

I once tried to sleep as much as possible as well, but I don't think it minimized the number of shitty feelings. Just felt worse for the reduced amount of time I was awake.

Sorry to hear about your relationship, and yeah, the future can't change the past, but I'd say the best thing to do is move on and do become a better person for it. I'm definitely not the one to give relationship advice, so I'm only able to wish you the best, still, don't torment yourself about it. Use it to be better.

 

[Insomniac]

I'm stuck. STUCK.

 

[imcurious]

A lot of that hits close to home. The fuzzy, traumatic childhood memories, always being socially withdrawn and unable to make a real connection, the missing out and wishing you were a part of it. I've always told myself it gets better as soon as I'm independent, yet I've lost faith in that. The problem is not with anything around me, but with me myself. Of course, the circumstances could've been better, but yeah. I understand where you're coming from and I've asked myself your final question quite a few times. I hope you figure it out because I haven't.

The problem is not with anyone else, but me. That's a recent realization I made myself, too. While I point to the physical deficiencies in my life as a reason for my periodic desires to CTB, I also wonder if my standpoint in life is simply a reflection of my mental headspace. If I carried myself out differently, if I did things differently, if I did ABC instead of XYZ, the version of myself that currently exists would not exist at all. I think about it a lot.

Still, OP, I have much hope for you. You are articulate and well-spoken, and I think it adds tremendously to your character. I wish you find the flat, the job, the privacy, peace, all of it, and I hope you find meaning along the way.

 

[kovu]

The problem is not with anyone else, but me. That's a recent realization I made myself, too. While I point to the physical deficiencies in my life as a reason for my periodic desires to CTB, I also wonder if my standpoint in life is simply a reflection of my mental headspace. If I carried myself out differently, if I did things differently, if I did ABC instead of XYZ, the version of myself that currently exists would not exist at all. I think about it a lot.

Still, OP, I have much hope for you. You are articulate and well-spoken, and I think it adds tremendously to your character. I wish you find the flat, the job, the privacy, peace, all of it, and I hope you find meaning along the way.

Exactly, right? I mean, my two older sisters grew up in the same environment, yet both of them turned out better than I did. Hard not to point the finger at oneself. Regardless, no matter how many times I had a surge in motivation and told myself to go about it differently from now on, I'm still me, still the same person with the same flaws and problems, the same attitude and habits. Nevertheless, that's just who I am, and I don't think that things would be any different if I could redo past decisions. You could call it fate, I guess. The train of thought about us existing, and I mean the current version of ourselves, right here and now, is something that often comes to mind when I think about CTB, as the me that's writing this would not exist had I lived my life differently. So what's lost if I go? Excuse me, I'm rambling. I suppose that's what I made this thread for, but still. Sorry.

I appreciate your second to the last sentence more than you may think. I've been working on my English painstakingly as I've always dreamt of writing a book in this language. While the book may not be, the flat, the job and the privacy are definitely within reach. The meaning? Who knows. Nonetheless, I wish you the same.
It suddenly feels like I'm ruining your perfect closing statement, and I may be mimicking it, but I have hope for you, too, and... thank you.

 

[imcurious]

Exactly, right? I mean, my two older sisters grew up in the same environment, yet both of them turned out better than I did. Hard not to point the finger at oneself. Regardless, no matter how many times I had a surge in motivation and told myself to go about it differently from now on, I'm still me, still the same person with the same flaws and problems, the same attitude and habits. Nevertheless, that's just who I am, and I don't think that things would be any different if I could redo past decisions. You could call it fate, I guess. The train of thought about us existing, and I mean the current version of ourselves, right here and now, is something that often comes to mind when I think about CTB, as the me that's writing this would not exist had I lived my life differently. So what's lost if I go? Excuse me, I'm rambling. I suppose that's what I made this thread for, but still. Sorry.

I appreciate your second to the last sentence more than you may think. I've been working on my English painstakingly as I've always dreamt of writing a book in this language. While the book may not be, the flat, the job and the privacy are definitely within reach. The meaning? Who knows. Nonetheless, I wish you the same.
It suddenly feels like I'm ruining your perfect closing statement, and I may be mimicking it, but I have hope for you, too, and... thank you.

Did you know that the best authors tend to ramble? It is my little poke at you, but never feel like you need to apologize for speaking about your feelings. That's what we are all here for

I can very much see you writing a book, you have the qualities and talent for it. I hope it comes to fruition some day, despite whichever external obstacles you may face. Hey, I'll even purchase a copy.

Good luck.

 

[Hope:-)]

Desperate. Can't really function. Feel pretty calm about my decision. Just trying to iron out the logistics.

 

[CaliCatCharlie]

Unemployed, struggling to clothe myself and hanging on by a thread. Everything in my life is fucked up and I never had a chance at it to begin with.

 

[starryeyedgemini]

Im planning to CTB soon. Have everything i need just waiting for things to calm down and to get a few things in order. Have already failed 1 attempt and had to abandon another as i was ill. A tiny part of me still holds on to some hope that things will get better but i dont know why as it never does

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

I'm procrastinating on making a decision, again. A couple weeks ago I was convinced I'd catch the bus in the near future, and then a switch randomly flipped and now it's not as urgent. I don't know why.

It's frustrating, since it just happens without me trying to improve consciously. Of course, this means that there'll be an inevitable backslide where I just want to die again, perhaps in a month or so, but I hate this back and forth so much.

 

[kovu]

Desperate. Can't really function. Feel pretty calm about my decision. Just trying to iron out the logistics.

So the doubts are gone? I wish you the best on whichever path you chose.

Im planning to CTB soon. Have everything i need just waiting for things to calm down and to get a few things in order. Have already failed 1 attempt and had to abandon another as i was ill. A tiny part of me still holds on to some hope that things will get better but i dont know why as it never does

I've failed my first and currently only attempt, too. Right thereafter, I wasn't sure how to feel. Was I glad that it didn't work or would it have spared me unnecessary pain? Since then, I've leaned more to the latter, so I get where you're coming from. Still, maybe try to see if that little bit of hope gets you somewhere before you do something irreversible - just putting in my two pennies worth. All the best.

 

[want2dienow]

Cleft of Despair.

 

[kovu]

I'm procrastinating on making a decision, again. A couple weeks ago I was convinced I'd catch the bus in the near future, and then a switch randomly flipped and now it's not as urgent. I don't know why.

It's frustrating, since it just happens without me trying to improve consciously. Of course, this means that there'll be an inevitable backslide where I just want to die again, perhaps in a month or so, but I hate this back and forth so much.

I understand the feeling, it's like your mind just can't make up its mind. For a certain period, you're determined and 100% sure about it, then you'll feel a little better and question if it's the right choice. And as soon as you're unsure, it flips right back. It's terrible, like a sadistic loop keeping you from going through with it and from getting better, at the same time. I fear I can't be of any help, here, except for hoping that you'll make it out of it, on whichever side you'll choose.

 

[want2dienow]

I understand the feeling, it's like your mind just can't make up its mind. For a certain period, you're determined and 100% sure about it, then you'll feel a little better and question if it's the right choice. And as soon as you're unsure, it flips right back. It's terrible, like a sadistic loop keeping you from going through with it and from getting better, at the same time. I fear I can't be of any help, here, except for hoping that you'll make it out of it, on whichever side you'll choose.

i dont feel better at all. nor question it. it's literally a feels like fighting against a ton of bricks. fighting myself.

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

I understand the feeling, it's like your mind just can't make up its mind. For a certain period, you're determined and 100% sure about it, then you'll feel a little better and question if it's the right choice. And as soon as you're unsure, it flips right back. It's terrible, like a sadistic loop keeping you from going through with it and from getting better, at the same time. I fear I can't be of any help, here, except for hoping that you'll make it out of it, on whichever side you'll choose.

That's pretty accurate to my experiences. It's an unfortunate limbo to be in. However, I very much appreciate your kind words, and I wish kindness for you, as well.

 

[kovu]

i dont feel better at all. nor question it. it's literally a feels like fighting against a ton of bricks. fighting myself.

Well, I'm standing in your corner if you want to vent a little here. Writing stuff down can have a positive effect, one of the reasons why I made this thread. If that's not really your thing, I still hope you're putting up a good fight. Wish you all the best.

 

[Lifeless mindset]

I'm really lost in life and too lazy to find myself. The sad thing about my life is that there's someone out there suffering way more than I could ever imagine and I'm over here giving up so easily. I see strength in myself but I ignore it and never use it to my advantage. I always want everything to go my way and nothing ever does. I'm selfish and I've surely paid for my selfishness or at least that's what I like to tell myself. I'm hoping sooner or later I can finally meet my end as every story eventually comes to.

 

[Maríasp]

I really feel and regret each story that ends in the desire to disappear, in my case 5 years ago they took from my daughter what we all want to leave, since that day I am dead and my desire to leave is imperative but for my family I continued forward even though she was a single mother. We are a very united family and my parents, brothers and nephews do not deserve it, they need me, I am the one who is always there for everyone and for them and my cats I support myself, and the joy and love of all of them gives me strength, but many days They are pure sadness. A kiss

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

What life? Only thing I can feel is chemical-induced/gaming-induced stress.

Spoiler: .

I sink deeper with time. Somehow even less drive than last year. Less volatility tho.

 

[kovu]

I'm really lost in life and too lazy to find myself. The sad thing about my life is that there's someone out there suffering way more than I could ever imagine and I'm over here giving up so easily. I see strength in myself but I ignore it and never use it to my advantage. I always want everything to go my way and nothing ever does. I'm selfish and I've surely paid for my selfishness or at least that's what I like to tell myself. I'm hoping sooner or later I can finally meet my end as every story eventually comes to.

There are surely people out there suffering more than we do, but that doesn't mean that we aren't suffering in our own right. Everybody has different struggles and different tolerance, comparing doesn't do any good. That you're seeing strength in yourself is something, yet putting it to use is a challenge in and of itself. I hope you'll manage to do that.

 

[Hope:-)]

All I do is go on this site, so I think that says it all. Ha :-)

 

[kovu]

All I do is go on this site, so I think that says it all. Ha :-)

Well, this place is a nice retreat.