Venting Where do you find the energy?

[Vvoiid]

To do anything? I can barely type things into my keyboard. I just want to die, yet I am still here. Trapped in this never ending nightmare. I keep postponing my suicide. Telling myself all kinds of excuses but deep down in my heart I know I could've done it if I wasn't so afraid of death. It's the ultimate thing after all.
I'm rotting away here. I was on Reddit when SanctionedSuicide was still alive. I met so many people there. I made friends. But most of them are dead. Including my best and only real friend I ever really had. I miss him and I thought once he passed there'd be nothing that could stop me from doing it. I was so wrong.
I hate myself for not doing it. I don't understand how I am the only one who is unable to do it. Eventually everyone does it but I seem to be the only one who does not. Every day I have the chance to do it but..........

 

[Threads]

I've still got a lot of shit I have to do. There's still work that needs to be done. I have obligations that I cannot abandon, no matter how badly I want to just throw my hands in the air and give up.

I'm not one to just 'give up' and I never have been. I don't even view suicide as 'giving up' just more as 'ending a prison sentence.' I have always been like this. Always rising to the challenge. I wish I wasn't though.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm not sure but adderall helps until it doesn't and then I have to take a break lol!

 

[skitliv]

Honestly I don't know, but I will say this, its easier to keep going than it is to kill one self.
Fuck I hate this state of limbo

 

[Final Escape]

I'm waiting on the nitrogen tank to arrive today, this should be interesting. I can't believe I actually ordered the supplies. Now I just need to work out some details, make a bag to put over head for when I inhale the nitrogen. I still got a little bit to do b4 I feel comfortable going through with it. I'm not scared at all. I'm looking forward to when I'm finally ready and everything in place. I'm not saying goodbye to anybody. Maybe a short suicide note.