Discussion Where did it all go wrong?

[Rhizomorph1]

I feel you on this so much. My parents are clearly not ok. Father was an alcoholic pretty much my entire childhood/teenage years. Mom was there, but distant and in her own world due to her own traumatic history. I wasn't socialized as a kid and so the panic that I got when thrown into elementary school was insane.

My childhood was filled with constant non stop panic and anxiety. I turned away into the online world and pretty much dissociated into it my entire life. Now at 23 I got thrown into adulthood with 0 skills, relationship experiences and work ethic. The only escape that I have is the online world, other than that I cannot hide anywhere. CTB is the only way out.


This. Parents with severe unresolved trauma, mental illness, alcohol/drug problems should be prohibited from having children.

You sound very similar to me. The lack of socialization causes some serious problems. Meanwhile, my parents were too busy trying to sort out their own shit (lack of communication/fighting/abuse) that they didn't even know where to start with me.

They seem to be blindsighted as to why I didn't trust opening up to them/going to them for safety as "they tried everything they could" when meanwhile all I could see was their fighting. How can a child trust their parents to communicate with them, when they aren't communicating with each other?

Bad parenting is abhorrent... We need more systemic accountability.

There are good parents out there thankfully, but I myself refuse to partake in child rearing as it would be unethical given my various illnesses and emotional problems.

 

[BlackMoon]

It's the day I understood it wasn't only my parents, but the entire mankind who would hate me and reject my true self until I'm dead. The day I understood I would never have true lover and true friends, my mind broke I guess ?

 

[Slow_Farewell]

When I was 10 or 11 i felt different, like I lost my zest for life or something. I told my mom who just dismissed it. I..grew old, but didnt grow up, so..like how that works was i got exposed to stuff that kind of buried? i guess that feeling, or at least placed it in the background. Toys, school, etc.
Next time I felt it was in my late 20's, I got fired from my job back then and i guess i was frustrated? at life and people in general, specially since an environment where it was feelings before facts. Didnt matter if you were right, you needed twenty words to say something like "this sucks, do better", or else you'd be labelled as a prick. So, not knowing this site and all, and coming from a predominantly religious country, I mapped out a plan on how to CTB with Cyanide and Drowning. While I looked into it I prepped and was like "Ok God, ready or not, here I come". Something happened again (new job) made me busy etc.
Next was in my early 30's. Everything was OK, but i kept having these thoughts and I once again told my mom about it, and it wasn't..a good conversation. I think where I went wrong was trying to get some semblance of approval? or maybe it was seeking confirmation that I did have the world figured out, or something like that.

 

[cold_severance]

its been this shit from birth. ironically now is objectively the best time in my life, though ctb is the only thing left.

 

[WiltedGirl]

for me it was really early. My parents divorced when I was really young and my mom very quickly married an abuser. Every other stage of my life after that is social isolation or bullying. It feels unreal that things could go so badly

 

[DesperateOne]

You sound very similar to me. The lack of socialization causes some serious problems. Meanwhile, my parents were too busy trying to sort out their own shit (lack of communication/fighting/abuse) that they didn't even know where to start with me.

They seem to be blindsighted as to why I didn't trust opening up to them/going to them for safety as "they tried everything they could" when meanwhile all I could see was their fighting. How can a child trust their parents to communicate with them, when they aren't communicating with each other?

Bad parenting is abhorrent... We need more systemic accountability.

There are good parents out there thankfully, but I myself refuse to partake in child rearing as it would be unethical given my various illnesses and emotional problems.

Yup... The only thing that I needed is for someone to notice my suffering and do something properly about it instead of just letting me wonder in anxiety, screen addiction and isolation. The moment my grades fell from straight A's to F's and I started to withdraw from society someone should've noticed and intervened. Instead nothing was done.

I was weird back then, but the lack of parenting from that moment on kinda doomed me. What makes me pissed off the most is that a random doctor which I went to for a checkup before my heart surgery instantly knew something was wrong. He asked me if I was always so tense all the time, why do I talk so nervously etc... A random fucking doctor noticed in a few minutes while my parents couldn't notice that something was wrong my entire life... What a joke. Life truly is a roll of a dice.