When you know it’s time but people keep telling you to keep going

[tiredandconfused]

Hi. I've just come back to this site. I had thought I'd turned a corner but realise it was just a short respite from the suicidal ideation that I have had for years.

I don't fear death, I think I fear life more. The thought of living in this world and with my thoughts makes minutes seem like agony sometimes. The mental health team don't understand because it doesn't fit in a neat little box. I feel manic and desperate but I worry about trying to ctb again. In the past I tried but survival instinct and alcohol meant I'm still here.

I'm really tired of trying to say the right thing to professionals. It's like I feel guilty if I don't try and say what they want. But my thoughts and wishes get lost. It helps nobody. I just want to leave this world peacefully and hoping not to cause too much distress on others

 

[FuneralCry]

I also fear life but I find so much comfort in the thought of being dead. Non existence certainly is ideal. I just think that after all it's your life and your decision and only you know if you should keep going or not. Others should have no say in it as they are not experiencing life the same way.

 

[makethepainstop]

True as pain like beauty is in the eye that beholds it.

 

[theboy]

me 2

 

[tiredandconfused]

Thanks. I feel the same. My decision of when I've had enough should be mine alone. I guess their support makes it harder for me to give up. It's not that I want to keep seeing them (it's just social worker and support worker) but I don't want them to be affected by me going. I keep thinking of ways to disappear but it's hard.