When will I find true happiness?

[Iwanttokillmyself]

When will I finally find happiness? I've never been happy or fulfilled. I've always been looking for happiness. Not the happiness of another thing or person, once to be happy with my own existence.
I don't know what's wrong with me, that I just can't be happy. Why can't I enjoy anything?
I hate being alive and living in this body.
I hate my past, the people who brought me into the world, I hate this whole world.

I had no childhood, I never had love. I had to grow up in children's homes, where I continuously felt miserable. I have been abused by my parents since I was little, also in foster families and in children's homes. I always just wanted to be happy. Im just waiting till I can end my life.

I can't live with myself. I can't live with my past. I can't do that anymore.

Every reply is welcome. Thank you.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Well, I've looked for happiness for a good 40 years or so (I'm 58), and still haven't gotten any. From 18 years old, my life has been devoid of happiness. There comes the time when we all just have to say the hell with it. I didn't have a bad childhood as you did. My childhood was fine, but my adulthood has been anything but. I don't enjoy anything anymore, either. Everything is just a chore to me. I don't live anymore. I just exist and it's brought me to where I am today. I can't wait until I get all my shit in order and can leave this miserable place.

 

[divinemistress36]

As Buddha says "Life is suffering"

 

[UKscotty]

I think happiness is what we make of it for the most part. If we want more and more, we will be less and less happy.

If we can be grateful for what we have, we will be happy.

 

[Linda]

Do you have a partner? That sometimes helps.

 

[Raven2]

I've had fleeting moments of happiness (relationships and family) but it never lasts for me. Theres always something that ruins it.
I'd also like to have inner peace but ruminating over past issues, regrets etc leads me to a deep feeling of sadness.
I dont have an answer for you, I just hope maybe one day if you can carry on you find happiness within yourself

 

[Homo erectus]

As Buddha says "Life is suffering"

Sometimes I wonder if we really need/want happiness, or just want to avoid unhappiness and suffering.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

This is my quest as well, I've been looking for happiness for years.
I think you had a very difficult life from a very young age and that can shape a person to be more negative and not see the positives so easily, especially when your life itself is full of negatives to begin with.

I think regular people don't seek happiness, they naturally view the world in a more positive light since their life has been more happy in general so happiness is in the small things for them.

I don't know how you can find happiness, for me I feel like I have a filter and something that should have brought me 100 in happiness goes through the filter and I just feel 20. If things are going well, I don't trust it and I start worrying about what will go wrong.

There is just so much negativity that played out and to us that's how the world works so it is so hard to suddenly be able to see happiness. Maybe it's already here but we're blind to it, blinded by sadness, trauma and tragedy.