Venting I don't see any chance of improvement in my life, I feel like a burden but I can't kill myself

[sla_porra22]

That's it. I've just felt like a burden for years, I hate my life, I've never been able to be happy since I was 10 years old and yet I can't end it all. Well, I can. However, someone is stopping me, and not directly, but because they know how my death would affect her, and I don't want to hurt my girlfriend in any way. I met her a few months ago, we talk about the future, we plan things together and I love her so much, and I know it's mutual, but I can't imagine a future in which I'm happy. Oh, and yes. My girlfriend knows about all this, I met her just by commenting about it on a social network (funny way, I know). Anyway, what I mean is; I don't know how to kill myself without destroying her life. You might even argue that I'm not important enough to go to that length, and I would agree, But everything leads me to believe that I'm wrong and that I would ruin her life with this. I don't know what to do and, at the same time that I feel happy every time I'm around her, I'm always thinking about that. I genuinely wish I could erase my existence from people's minds and just die somewhere they would never find me. Rot in a forest, away from everyone and without causing trouble. I feel genuinely lost in life, and a real failure. This is the only place I can really express my frustration, although I'm still a bit afraid.

 

[needthebus]

that's awful

there's no easy solution to this

i bet you are totally hot and she's madly in love with you and will just be destroyed if you die

you could try ketamine? for treatment resistant depression?

 

[sla_porra22]

i bet you are totally hot and she's madly in love with you and will just be destroyed if you die

you could try ketamine? for treatment resistant depression?

Actually, I don't have that much self-esteem. I don't think I'm hot, bro, but I know I still make her happy.

I've never been able to see a psychologist/psychiatrist due to the prices in my country, so I may not be able to get treatment for the next few years. But I really want to try.

The question is whether I will be able to maintain my sanity until then, at least to the point of not ending everything.