Discussion When was the last time you were REALLY happy?

[Aonewayticketplease]

2015. I met up with an old girlfriend for about a year. She was and is still such an optimist.

 

[rntmss]

I'm happy quite often really. Most days I don't even feel like CTB.

Simple things like music or my friends distract me from my eternal dread.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I guess back in.... 2013 or 2014? To some people that isn't too long, but I'm likely one of the, if not the actual, youngest members of this forum, so 6-7 years ago is about a 1/3rd of my life, give or take. During that time I lost my younger brother very late into my mother's pregnancy, and that kind of broke a lot of my dreams and me. Since then I haven't really been actually happy, though there've been brief times where I think I was close to doing ok.

Wow I'm sorry honey..some ppl may feel like u didnt "know" him since he wasnt born yet, but i can attest, as a woman who has lost an unborn baby, it's still a very painful loss. I would have never even considered the effects that could have on the sibling(s) in a situation like that..u always think it only affects the parents, esp the mom, long term..u have def given me something to think about. Try and live ur life as a memorial and tribute to ur beloved lil brother..sending u hugs n love

Thanks but I made no effort at all. All this should have been dealt with in 2004. 2005 at the very latest. I've failed miserably

Staying alive takes courage. U haven't failed..

I'm happy quite often really. Most days I don't even feel like CTB.

Simple things like music or my friends distract me from my eternal dread.

Wow that's awesome! Good for u!

2015. I met up with an old girlfriend for about a year. She was and is still such an optimist.

Keep her around ..whatever helps..

every therapist asks this n i always say disneyland or something but truly,,, i have no idea i cant even remember what it feels like

Trust me, I know the feeling.. when I asked myself the question last night, I had to think long and hard..("That's what she said"- Sorry, "the office" reference..)

I don't think I've ever really felt happy.

I'm sorry Love

I've had a time where I was okay and could count my blessings even if many things were wrong....that boat left several years ago. When it seems like everything is wrong, that's when ctb thoughts hit the strongest.

I totally feel u..

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Last night, I tried to recall a time in my life when everything was good and I was really just happy..

The last time I was really happy was in 2006, when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Sadly, 4 weeks later I lost the baby... I struggle to remember a time, in recent years, when all was good and I was genuinely just happy, other than in my childhood...

I was a lot happier from about 2010- 2014 until I got into an abusive situation. Your story really hit me because in 2016 I found out I was having a child and I became so happy...but she died before birth...and I have never been the same since. It crushed what little spirit I had left and pushed over the edge. People would insensitivitely tell me to just "try again" because they got over a loss or others do..but I cannot/will not. Everyone grieves differently. Sending you hugs.

 

[Imustbefree]

12 years ago. when I was a healthy human being

Holy fucking shit. THATS ME. 12 years ago exactly...when I was a healthy person. Before then I was happy more often than not and even the bad times weren't even that bad.

 

[Alec]

I asked myself this question a few days ago and I realized that I was never ever happy. Not even a little bit even for a day, not even in my childhood. I revised that literally every single memory that I have from my past is filled with fear(so much fear), pain, misery and loneliness, and everything feels so dark. There were times that I would lie to myself that I'm ok and that I'm even happy, simply because I WANTED to be happy and I wanted it so bad I ignored the fact that it's self delusion not real happiness. Because self delusion was the closest I could ever get to being happy. Although I did have many manic episodes from bipolar, in those times I feel literally fucking invincible, like I can fly, but whenever I'm in those moments I never could figure out where these feeling are coming from so I never trusted them as real and I always and I mean ALWAYS knew that after that will come the low point of bipolar and I normally feel depression but right after manic episode it's about 100 times worse depression, and the fear of knowing it's coming while I'm in a manic episode almost paralyzed me, but sometimes it would be easy not to concentrate on that fear and just enjoy the manic episode, I sometimes did that knowing full well it's fake, just because it felt so good and I felt I needed a break from the pain and I disproved a few moments of feeling invincible and capable of everything, it was always refreshing. It honestly felt like I was doing some really powerful drugs. But these moments always end, and if I hate truly hate something about myself, it's being fake. So in the end I would rather prefer real pain to a fake happiness.

 

[ForensicallyAware]

About 37 years ago

 

[Lost_the_will2_live]

My psychiatrist asked me this question......couldn't tell him because I can't remember the last time I was! Sad huh!

 

[noko]

Really happy... I was with my girlfriend in Budapest and we were trying to find places to get food from late at night. We had to climb up on a chair to get some WIFI on a phone so we could check a map. Just that moment there trying to problem solve, made me really really bond with her. I wish I had died after that trip with her.

 

[NerdyNihilist]

The moment I realized that suicide is an option.

 

[cease]

This is something I've been thinking about for a while now. I've had happy moments- catching up with a close friend, petting a kitty, having sex, etc- but it's always fleeting. There's always the crushing weight of knowing that, when it's over, I have to go back to this.

I can't remember a time that I was able to have a happy moment without already mourning the end of the moment. Is this what it's like for everyone?

 

[Darkhaven]

2016/2017.
First year of University;
20 Years old;
Healthy;
Strong + nice, developed body;
Confident/ relatively high self esteem;
Motivated;
Had dreams and things i wanted to accomplish and felt like i could do it;
Ambitious;
Naive;
ILLUDED.

 

[s1mplem3]

I don't know what happiness is, I've never been happy.

 

[Pricelessadvice]

For me, I peaked in college. Ambitious and healthy (physically-but mentally I knew something was "off." Struggles started with anxiety. Low self-esteem lifelong) Yet, I really had hope. I had such a great guy!
I barely got a breath in of my summit before I fucked it all up.

This is something I've been thinking about for a while now. I've had happy moments- catching up with a close friend, petting a kitty, having sex, etc- but it's always fleeting. There's always the crushing weight of knowing that, when it's over, I have to go back to this.

I can't remember a time that I was able to have a happy moment without already mourning the end of the moment. Is this what it's like for everyone?

They call it "anticipatory grief."

 

[It'llNeverEnd]

Happens from time to time with being bipolar. Been about a year since mania was more than anger though.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I was a lot happier from about 2010- 2014 until I got into an abusive situation. Your story really hit me because in 2016 I found out I was having a child and I became so happy...but she died before birth...and I have never been the same since. It crushed what little spirit I had left and pushed over the edge. People would insensitivitely tell me to just "try again" because they got over a loss or others do..but I cannot/will not. Everyone grieves differently. Sending you hugs.❤

Awww sending u love honey..So u know the feeling..hard to explain unless u have been there..I'm here for u if u need to talk..I understand..plz pm me if u need me

Holy fucking shit. THATS ME. 12 years ago exactly...when I was a healthy person. Before then I was happy more often than not and even the bad times weren't even that bad.

It's crazy n sad that we can date the feeling of happiness so far back..crazy..

I asked myself this question a few days ago and I realized that I was never ever happy. Not even a little bit even for a day, not even in my childhood. I revised that literally every single memory that I have from my past is filled with fear(so much fear), pain, misery and loneliness, and everything feels so dark. There were times that I would lie to myself that I'm ok and that I'm even happy, simply because I WANTED to be happy and I wanted it so bad I ignored the fact that it's self delusion not real happiness. Because self delusion was the closest I could ever get to being happy. Although I did have many manic episodes from bipolar, in those times I feel literally fucking invincible, like I can fly, but whenever I'm in those moments I never could figure out where these feeling are coming from so I never trusted them as real and I always and I mean ALWAYS knew that after that will come the low point of bipolar and I normally feel depression but right after manic episode it's about 100 times worse depression, and the fear of knowing it's coming while I'm in a manic episode almost paralyzed me, but sometimes it would be easy not to concentrate on that fear and just enjoy the manic episode, I sometimes did that knowing full well it's fake, just because it felt so good and I felt I needed a break from the pain and I disproved a few moments of feeling invincible and capable of everything, it was always refreshing. It honestly felt like I was doing some really powerful drugs. But these moments always end, and if I hate truly hate something about myself, it's being fake. So in the end I would rather prefer real pain to a fake happiness.

That's deep my friend..."prefer real pain to fake happiness"...so true..I'm sorry ..I hope that one day we can all experience real happiness...sending love

About 37 years ago

I'm sorry honey..I hope that u can find happiness in the near future..or that it finds u

My psychiatrist asked me this question......couldn't tell him because I can't remember the last time I was! Sad huh!

I felt the same way when I asked myself..smh..that's interesting that they ask u that..is happiness that hard to attain? ..smh..

Really happy... I was with my girlfriend in Budapest and we were trying to find places to get food from late at night. We had to climb up on a chair to get some WIFI on a phone so we could check a map. Just that moment there trying to problem solve, made me really really bond with her. I wish I had died after that trip with her.

Awww that's sounds so sweet..one of those moments u wanna live in..something so simple as that..I'm hoping u get a chance to relive it

 

[Chronicillness]

Probably ages 17-21. I was extremely depressed during that period, but I had moments of extreme bliss and happiness thanks to heroin and other opioids. That was really fucking fun. Easily the best experiences of my life. I've never been happy naturally.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

I get glimpses- tiny snapshots of a time when my smile reached my eyes... &was more than just the curving of my lips.

Unfortunately, the feeling of hopelessness is more powerful.

 

[Remember to forget]

I'm happy quite often really. Most days I don't even feel like CTB.

Simple things like music or my friends distract me from my eternal dread.

I feel like this most day. I love music, I work a lot and try to keep busy.
Unfortunately I don't cope to well with my own thoughts and soon go back to making plans on how to escape.
Music, distractions and exercise keep the light on most of the time.

 

[lostangel]

5 Years ago I was happy. I don't remember a time in between where I could actually wake up and smile.

 

[Lostandfound7]

This is something I've been thinking about for a while now. I've had happy moments- catching up with a close friend, petting a kitty, having sex, etc- but it's always fleeting. There's always the crushing weight of knowing that, when it's over, I have to go back to this.

I can't remember a time that I was able to have a happy moment without already mourning the end of the moment. Is this what it's like for everyone?

That's very interesting...I have never thought about it like that..hmmmm...So, u still never get to fully "enjoy" a moment..always anticipating when it will b over..

 

[Sunset Limited]

I don't remember

 

[Lostandfound7]

5 Years ago I was happy. I don't remember a time in between where I could actually wake up and smile.

Same honey...Lately I wake up, looking forward to night..I feel u

I don't remember

Yup...ur not alone in that..

 

[SugarbushMtn]

High school

 

[Lostandfound7]

High school

Agreed...That's def when I was the MOST happiest...If only I could turn back time...

 

[oxymoron]

Last night, I tried to recall a time in my life when everything was good and I was really just happy..

The last time I was really happy was in 2006, when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Sadly, 4 weeks later I lost the baby... I struggle to remember a time, in recent years, when all was good and I was genuinely just happy, other than in my childhood...

Nov 2018.

 

[Mizzmini45]

2014-2017. When I fell in love with myself. Living my life. Doing things I enjoyed. I wish I could stay stuck in those years forever until I naturally died