Story When my classmate CTB

[ikiruNObungaku]

I was thinking about this. It happened when I was in high school. I think it was the first moment I had heard of someone die in this way who I regularly saw.

There was a kid in my class, and I remember him being popular. He had a lot of friends, and the teacher especially enjoyed his presence. He had a catchy name so it was always fun for his friends and students to call him. He seemed to like it a lot. I do not think I ever spoke to him one-on-one, but his presence was very well known. He always looked so happy.

The next year, in the middle of the semester, he stopped showing to class. Eventually one day, that same teacher came in and essentially told us that he was no longer here. Of course, they did not say the cause of death outright, but it was very obvious given the word choice. That whole day felt much more silent. I saw a lot of students crying. It looks like a lot of people there really mourned him. I did not feel good seeing that, but I also had trouble understanding their feelings.

After that, I think the element of suicide became much more real to me. I had seen attempts before, been present during attempts, but this was the first time I saw a reaction to a successful attempt. I wonder if people will mourn for me in the same way. Maybe for a little bit, then they will forget later? Sadness is temporary for them in death I think, so they will have no issues in the future. I cannot imagine people crying that way for my death. I thought, before, that death like that would not really bother anyone. But I think my thinking process is wrong, because it is hard for me to understand those feelings and understand my feelings. I wish I was better at understanding emotion?

That moment happened a long time ago. Now, I think the world has changed, especially people and their empathy. To me, it seems everyone is suicidal. I think it is normal to be suicidal now. So, no one will care if you are suicidal. If you express that you are suicidal, no one will do anything about it. I do not think anyone would say anything about it. Often, I regretfully say to my friends I am sad, but they do not care. I think it is because they know there is nothing they can do about it, or because it is often. Or maybe, talking about it makes the setting awkward. So if I die, will they cry just like that boy's friends did? I do not think so.

Sometimes I wonder if a person reaching out would change many of the suicidal people's opinion on going through their plans.

 

[thefirstluminary]

I was thinking about this. It happened when I was in high school. I think it was the first moment I had heard of someone die in this way who I regularly saw.

There was a kid in my class, and I remember him being popular. He had a lot of friends, and the teacher especially enjoyed his presence. He had a catchy name so it was always fun for his friends and students to call him. He seemed to like it a lot. I do not think I ever spoke to him one-on-one, but his presence was very well known. He always looked so happy.

The next year, in the middle of the semester, he stopped showing to class. Eventually one day, that same teacher came in and essentially told us that he was no longer here. Of course, they did not say the cause of death outright, but it was very obvious given the word choice. That whole day felt much more silent. I saw a lot of students crying. It looks like a lot of people there really mourned him. I did not feel good seeing that, but I also had trouble understanding their feelings.

After that, I think the element of suicide became much more real to me. I had seen attempts before, been present during attempts, but this was the first time I saw a reaction to a successful attempt. I wonder if people will mourn for me in the same way. Maybe for a little bit, then they will forget later? Sadness is temporary for them in death I think, so they will have no issues in the future. I cannot imagine people crying that way for my death. I thought, before, that death like that would not really bother anyone. But I think my thinking process is wrong, because it is hard for me to understand those feelings and understand my feelings. I wish I was better at understanding emotion?

That moment happened a long time ago. Now, I think the world has changed, especially people and their empathy. To me, it seems everyone is suicidal. I think it is normal to be suicidal now. So, no one will care if you are suicidal. If you express that you are suicidal, no one will do anything about it. I do not think anyone would say anything about it. Often, I regretfully say to my friends I am sad, but they do not care. I think it is because they know there is nothing they can do about it, or because it is often. Or maybe, talking about it makes the setting awkward. So if I die, will they cry just like that boy's friends did? I do not think so.

Sometimes I wonder if a person reaching out would change many of the suicidal people's opinion on going through their plans.

It's true that anyone who knew you, even just a little, would feel a profound emptiness if you died especially by suicide. But the truth is, the people left behind have to try their hardest to move on. Carrying the weight of someone else's death is so painful that it can ruin their mental health, which is why the initial shock is often the heaviest in those first few days. It's not that they forget you it's that they have to put the pain away to keep living. You don't always see the void you'll leave behind. Regarding reaching out for help, results really vary from person to person. Even for chronic illnesses, there are always new treatments worth exploring. About your friends I don't think they don't care. But being around constant suicide talk is incredibly draining for a friend group. If you were in their shoes, not dealing with suicidal thoughts yourself, you would probably feel that same weariness. It takes a massive amount of patience to support someone who is suicidal. Like one user said, it sometimes feels like trying to help a stray animal only to get bitten in return.
I kinda relate to this OP I've crossed paths with many people I could have been friends with, but my own issues ended up pushing them away

 

[ikiruNObungaku]

It's true that anyone who knew you, even just a little, would feel a profound emptiness if you died especially by suicide. But the truth is, the people left behind have to try their hardest to move on. Carrying the weight of someone else's death is so painful that it can ruin their mental health, which is why the initial shock is often the heaviest in those first few days. It's not that they forget you it's that they have to put the pain away to keep living. You don't always see the void you'll leave behind. Regarding reaching out for help, results really vary from person to person. Even for chronic illnesses, there are always new treatments worth exploring. About your friends I don't think they don't care. But being around constant suicide talk is incredibly draining for a friend group. If you were in their shoes, not dealing with suicidal thoughts yourself, you would probably feel that same weariness. It takes a massive amount of patience to support someone who is suicidal. Like one user said, it sometimes feels like trying to help a stray animal only to get bitten in return.
I kinda relate to this OP I've crossed paths with many people I could have been friends with, but my own issues ended up pushing them away

That is true about moving on... I suppose people have no choice but to move on. I always assumed that it was easy to move on, but not mandatory. Maybe I do not understand people after all.

I try my very best not to bring down the mood. I suppose it slips sometimes because I do not vent. I have never really vented before about my true feelings before because I thought it was extremely bothersome and it would make me look like a horrible person. So I make one-off comments that I try to make witty. But I think I should stop doing that. I want the people in my life to find it easy to live, I feel bad burdening them all the time. I don't want to become that kind of person. I want to be like the classmate who died, who was always seen very happy and left people with a good impression until they eventually did die.

I feel very bad for what I have done, my friends do not deserve to deal with that.

 

[thefirstluminary]

That is true about moving on... I suppose people have no choice but to move on. I always assumed that it was easy to move on, but not mandatory. Maybe I do not understand people after all.

I try my very best not to bring down the mood. I suppose it slips sometimes because I do not vent. I have never really vented before about my true feelings before because I thought it was extremely bothersome and it would make me look like a horrible person. So I make one-off comments that I try to make witty. But I think I should stop doing that. I want the people in my life to find it easy to live, I feel bad burdening them all the time. I don't want to become that kind of person. I want to be like the classmate who died, who was always seen very happy and left people with a good impression until they eventually did die.

I feel very bad for what I have done, my friends do not deserve to deal with that.

I feel you, it's not easy. But this is a safe space, which is great because you can talk about what's bothering you. It's so important to have a therapist or someone to open up to. If you bottle up all that anger and sadness, it just builds up until you snap, and that's not nice

 

[ikiruNObungaku]

I feel you, it's not easy. But this is a safe space, which is great because you can talk about what's bothering you. It's so important to have a therapist or someone to open up to. If you bottle up all that anger and sadness, it just builds up until you snap, and that's not nice

I am really scared if a day comes where I snap on someone. I will do my best not to make that happen. I was recommended to see a psychiatrist, but I do not have insurance anymore.

But I am grateful for this place, and grateful for people like you who help me understand my emotions and feelings better. Thank you.

 

[thefirstluminary]

I am really scared if a day comes where I snap on someone. I will do my best not to make that happen. I was recommended to see a psychiatrist, but I do not have insurance anymore.

But I am grateful for this place, and grateful for people like you who help me understand my emotions and feelings better. Thank you.

recovery sub-forum is great place to start with many nice people I suggest you take a look at it if you are not so sure about ctb'ing ♥

 

[depressedkid17]

There was a kid in my class who also CTBd early this year. I also didn't know him personally and didn't know what he was going through. Everyone was crying although he was not that "popular". And they also didn't say outright how he died but we could assume as much and also there were rumors from his closest friends admitting that it was the reason.