When is enough? How much do I have to take?

[saddavyd]

Over 2,000 days have passed since my son died. Over 4,000 since I first fell ill with mental health problems. I have suffered so much. I have caused so much suffering in others. I am bipolar and have not been myself for so long that I barely remember how I was. I have not laughed at all this year. Recent choices are the worst of my life. They have left me living in a place where I don't feel at home and I wake each day in pain. I have tried to keep going. I'm tired. When is enough?

 

[k1w1]

Damn I understand this. I laughed for the first time in 8 months while my friend helped me with my will. Grave huh.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry u have have to go through sm pain and losing a child is sm more pain for a parent. But the question "when is it enough?" can only be answered by yourself. When desperation, pain, suffering is unbearable and the pain that is caused by CTB is less than the pain of still staying alive and going on - then that may be the right time to leave.

I hope u can find peace!

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful being trapped in that situation, I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering in this existence but anyway best wishes.

 

[saddavyd]

Thank you for your messages. Another day begins. Waking up with feelings of immense emotional pain around my chest again. It's becoming clear now that my current situation is too much to bear. The question is now, if I can't bear it, when will I enter the mental state where the fear, pain and act of dying is outweighed by the pain of living. It's so fucking painful but I'm still not sure I have the strength to hang myself and in doing so put my family through hell. It will probably be full hanging as I have tried partial and can't find sweet spot.