When I reached out about my suicidal thoughts I received NO compassion all I received was judgement and hostility

[FireFox]

If an individual is suffering from suicidal thoughts and depression the person is told by society and mental health awareness campaigns to reach out and talk to someone.

I did exactly this and all I received was nothing but judgement, hostility and above all no compassion from the people I reached out too.

This experience has completly destroyed my faith and trust in people especially those who claim to care about mental health. Never again will I reach out . NEVER Again!

During the first lockdown i used online depression forum . The fourm is female dominated which most women are 30 + . I thought I would feel safe and comfortable expressing my true feelings on such a forum because the women were so open about thier suicide attempts and living with depression and anxiety. I was expecting to be listened and understood too.
I was wrong the women were the biggest bullies ever.

During an online discussion i mentioned the news story about the 35 year old NHS nurse who died from covid19 and how it upset me. I mentioned how i wished i died of covid19 instead of all the nurses and doctors who died. The doctors and nurses had so much to live to for they were married , had children and knew thier real place in the world which was to heal. I felt like i didn't deserve to be alive because i am just a lost individual who doesn't know her real place in the world and have nothing going for me in my life ( single , childless,unemployed. I am a loser).

This is how I genuinely felt throughout lockdown i wish i didnt have these feelings and cant share this with my family because they have lost relatives to covid19.

The women all became judgemental and just vile when I mentioned this.

The admin of the site she said how my comments were "insulting" and lectured me about she was shielding with her husband and kids during lockdown. This is the same woman her husband wanted her to have an abortion when she pregnant with their 3 child and she went ahead with the pregnancy alone. She still stayed with him. She is open about the problems in her marriage as well her experience of postnatal depression she had in a 3 pregnancies and her severe depression/anxiety she suffers from.

Another women lets call her women x she was the worst bully ever. She was telling me how her cousin died from covid19 and he didn't get say goodbye. She said " i didn't know what I was talking about ". She told she was getting fed up of my "self pitying ". She even called me 'selfish"

Women X has an entire thread which she whines about how no one in her family cares about her and how she is lonely. She is in her 40s. She accuses me of self pity when she is the biggest one herself.
She went further to bring up my background " i wish i was young, had a law degree and a family who cared for me"

I explained my point of view that i genuiely believe I dont deserve to be alive and I wish i didn't think this way.

Women x would keep attacking me and kept acting like she had the answers for everything.

When i defended myself all the other depression forum members accused me of bullying her and attacking her. This woman constantly attacked me but the forum sided with her as she is thier friend. The women even called me "disgusting" . The admin constantly sided with women x and went further to say how women x is having a "hardtime".

The women were happy to talk about thier suicide attempts, thier shitty marriages and families. I expressed the belief about how i genuinely wish i was dead from covid19 the women turn out to be the most judgemental and vile people ever. If i cant even express my feelings on a depression then I am not safe anywhere.

This is shown me people who preach mental health are the biggest bullies ever . This is not the first i have experienced bullying and hostile behaviour by individuals who claim to care about mental health/wellbeing.

My suicide is inevitable because when I reached out people didn't want to listen. I really wanted to live but nobody taught me how.
I am tired of living. I have to come realise life isnt for me and I am not strong enough to live in this world.
I wish I died of covid19 everyday . I dont deserve to be alive. I am a healthy 23 year old woman but it is pointless if I don't know my purpose in life and struggle to find my real place in the world.

 

[WornOutLife]

Oh dear, I can't believe this. Those women sound disgusting!
You see? There's just so much toxicity in this world.
I can't even go to REDDIT now...people end up insulting me if I don't agree with them or banning me if I talk about depression and suicide.

How can we exactly get help then?

That's why I'm really glad we still have SS. There's NOWHERE ELSE LIKE THIS.

Therapy? Social networks? Meds? Nope. What helped me to be less suicidal was...talking to people like YOU.

 

[Catchingdabus27]

(Not excusing or justifying the behavior just tryna explain a lil)
COVID is an extremely touchy subject these days. People have lost a lot during it and I imagine that comments pertaining to the ones you made would make people reactive as hell. I wouldn't take what they said to heart or as anything personal against you. Reddit has been such a toxic hive mind especially regarding COVID.

I have felt the same way since this fuckin shot pandemic started. I have not felt comfortable/safe to say so anywhere, even here bc.. yeah I feared backlash and/or coming off insensitive

But (imo) what those women should've done is take a step back and seen it through your eyes. Take a step back and instead of reacting in (imo) selfish manor they could've AT LEAST tried to nicely explain why they didn't like your comment.

That being said Reddit is trash and just bad for any kinda mental health. A lot of people (in subreddits they are part of) constantly complain about the contradictory and conflicting rules especially in talking about mental health issues.

Im sorry you experienced that when reaching out for help. Women are not more empathetic, society just expects em to be.

I would continue to try to reach out but being a lil more selective, this forum is a good place to start.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I am so sorry you had this experience. You were only expressing that you wish you could die, and take the place of the nurses who have died when they wanted to live. To me, that's the opposite of insulting or selfish.

Sadly, I feel the topic of suicide is still misunderstood and shunned, despite the mental health "awareness" campaigns. I have discovered over the years that much of this "awareness" is limited in scope. For example, there's more sympathy for a celebrity with high-functioning depression than an everyday person so debilitated by their mental illness that they can't get out of bed. The former is "brave", the latter is "lazy" or "wallowing." Only mental health issues that are treatable with a short course of CBT or antidepressants and that don't cause others discomfort or inconvenience are "accepted."

"Awareness" consists of a lot of virtue signalling, but no real, tangible change in perspective, culture and provision of effective services and support - all of which are desperately needed.

The public can repost #ItsOkaytoNotBeOkay once per year on World Mental Health Day and feel good about themselves, while those of us who suffer are quietly brushed under the carpet.

 

[MaybeSoon]

I have a big mouth when drunk and have almost told everyone I know that I want to die. My partner is amazingly supportive (not in a I'll understand if you kill yourself so go ahead kind of way) but she knows what I go through. Parents weren't suprised but have been silent on it since. My best friend and his girlfriend (although the first time she kicked off) understood and gave me a framed picture saying "you matter" and one of my other best friends lost his shit and we argued and drunkenly fought over it. What I've found is that it's such taboo subject that you'll get a huge variety of reactions. When the police confiscated my SN and put me in touch with someone they said on the phone that 'everybody thinks about it at some point' but who knows why people react why they do. I'd recommend a book called 'Notes on Suicide' by Simon Critchley. There's a lecture on youtube here but the book is far better. Kind of delves in to the reactions and attitudes of people regarding the subject. Probably added a year on my life so far too as I felt like less of a freak lmao.

 

[EraseRewind]

I have found that same judgemental attitude when I have reached out to professionals about my suicidal thoughts and attempts in the UK. My GP was incredibly supportive until she found out about my past then it became obvious that she was uninterested, so I pulled back again. It can be amazing the double standards applied to mental health.

The Samaritans have been not only uninterested but also quite aggressive with me, they said that there was very little they could do if I wanted to end my life and it was up to me to work with myself.

There have been a few people who have been genuine but the system is so busy you can't get any time with anyone unless you can pay and I have felt that those counsellors were more interested in how long they could get me to pay for.

I feel that my suicide is inevitable because each attempt has brought me closer and damaged me more both physically and mentally and eventually I'll get it right.

The latest craze from the professionals in my life is that exercise is the cure for depression and suicidal thoughts, so it's off to the gym now. I'll always give everything a go then no one can say I didn't try.

This forum has been the best thing for me, really supportive and I have never felt judged and that is so important to me. Thanks SS.

 

[Odwin]

Despicable. Those ladies sound more bored and frustrated than depressed.

 

[demuic]

I reached out before to a "professional" and was met with derision, I won't be doing that again.

So many people are such hypocrites when it comes to the topic of mental health.

I'm sorry you went through this.

 

[GarageKarate07]

If an individual is suffering from suicidal thoughts and depression the person is told by society and mental health awareness campaigns to reach out and talk to someone.

I did exactly this and all I received was nothing but judgement, hostility and above all no compassion from the people I reached out too.

This experience has completly destroyed my faith and trust in people especially those who claim to care about mental health. Never again will I reach out . NEVER Again!

During the first lockdown i used online depression forum . The fourm is female dominated which most women are 30 + . I thought I would feel safe and comfortable expressing my true feelings on such a forum because the women were so open about thier suicide attempts and living with depression and anxiety. I was expecting to be listened and understood too.
I was wrong the women were the biggest bullies ever.

During an online discussion i mentioned the news story about the 35 year old NHS nurse who died from covid19 and how it upset me. I mentioned how i wished i died of covid19 instead of all the nurses and doctors who died. The doctors and nurses had so much to live to for they were married , had children and knew thier real place in the world which was to heal. I felt like i didn't deserve to be alive because i am just a lost individual who doesn't know her real place in the world and have nothing going for me in my life ( single , childless,unemployed. I am a loser).

This is how I genuinely felt throughout lockdown i wish i didnt have these feelings and cant share this with my family because they have lost relatives to covid19.

The women all became judgemental and just vile when I mentioned this.

The admin of the site she said how my comments were "insulting" and lectured me about she was shielding with her husband and kids during lockdown. This is the same woman her husband wanted her to have an abortion when she pregnant with their 3 child and she went ahead with the pregnancy alone. She still stayed with him. She is open about the problems in her marriage as well her experience of postnatal depression she had in a 3 pregnancies and her severe depression/anxiety she suffers from.

Another women lets call her women x she was the worst bully ever. She was telling me how her cousin died from covid19 and he didn't get say goodbye. She said " i didn't know what I was talking about ". She told she was getting fed up of my "self pitying ". She even called me 'selfish"

Women X has an entire thread which she whines about how no one in her family cares about her and how she is lonely. She is in her 40s. She accuses me of self pity when she is the biggest one herself.
She went further to bring up my background " i wish i was young, had a law degree and a family who cared for me"

I explained my point of view that i genuiely believe I dont deserve to be alive and I wish i didn't think this way.

Women x would keep attacking me and kept acting like she had the answers for everything.

When i defended myself all the other depression forum members accused me of bullying her and attacking her. This woman constantly attacked me but the forum sided with her as she is thier friend. The women even called me "disgusting" . The admin constantly sided with women x and went further to say how women x is having a "hardtime".

The women were happy to talk about thier suicide attempts, thier shitty marriages and families. I expressed the belief about how i genuinely wish i was dead from covid19 the women turn out to be the most judgemental and vile people ever. If i cant even express my feelings on a depression then I am not safe anywhere.

This is shown me people who preach mental health are the biggest bullies ever . This is not the first i have experienced bullying and hostile behaviour by individuals who claim to care about mental health/wellbeing.

My suicide is inevitable because when I reached out people didn't want to listen. I really wanted to live but nobody taught me how.
I am tired of living. I have to come realise life isnt for me and I am not strong enough to live in this world.
I wish I died of covid19 everyday . I dont deserve to be alive. I am a healthy 23 year old woman but it is pointless if I don't know my purpose in life and struggle to find my real place in the world.

There is a song by PRIMUS called "Welcome to this world" and another song with the lyrics "I had a friend. Who took a belt. Took a belt and hung himself. Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived." The are both on the "Pork Soda" album. I know some of you guys like funny music so there ya go! I don't know the name of the one song. They might also be the same song. Blah blah blah.

 

[rotten]

Sorry you had to go through that. I experienced something similar when my parents found out I was suicidal. They were nice for a while. But after about 2 weeks they started ridiculing me and making it seem like I robbed a bank. They were also pissed because it costed them a lot of money just to send me to a crisis center(something they still love to rub in my face). I couldn't even escape it at school. The school counselors treated me like I was a stupid little girl. Even as they were actively speaking to me about my incident they had sicking smirks on their faces. At the end of the day this experience only made me sneakier, less trusting of people, and less willing to tell anyone anything.

 

[FireFox]

(Not excusing or justifying the behavior just tryna explain a lil)
COVID is an extremely touchy subject these days. People have lost a lot during it and I imagine that comments pertaining to the ones you made would make people reactive as hell. I wouldn't take what they said to heart or as anything personal against you. Reddit has been such a toxic hive mind especially regarding COVID.

I have felt the same way since this fuckin shot pandemic started. I have not felt comfortable/safe to say so anywhere, even here bc.. yeah I feared backlash and/or coming off insensitive

But (imo) what those women should've done is take a step back and seen it through your eyes. Take a step back and instead of reacting in (imo) selfish manor they could've AT LEAST tried to nicely explain why they didn't like your comment.

That being said Reddit is trash and just bad for any kinda mental health. A lot of people (in subreddits they are part of) constantly complain about the contradictory and conflicting rules especially in talking about mental health issues.

Im sorry you experienced that when reaching out for help. Women are not more empathetic, society just expects em to be.

I would continue to try to reach out but being a lil more selective, this forum is a good place to start.

The online forum was not reddit. The online forum I used was called dealing with depression. The online forum is place for people with depression and anxiety share thier experiences and help one another. The forum people about thier experiences with anti depressants, suicide and how to access mental health help.

I am just disappointed because these women all suffer from depression but turned out to be the most judgemental people ever.
I was expecting such people to be compassionate, understanding.

I still am disappointed. If i cant even express my real feelings on a depression then i am not safe anywhere to talk about my feelings.

Oh dear, I can't believe this. Those women sound disgusting!
You see? There's just so much toxicity in this world.
I can't even go to REDDIT now...people end up insulting me if I don't agree with them or banning me if I talk about depression and suicide.

How can we exactly get help then?

That's why I'm really glad we still have SS. There's NOWHERE ELSE LIKE THIS.

Therapy? Social networks? Meds? Nope. What helped me to be less suicidal was...talking to people like YOU

The online form I used is called dealing with depression.
The purpose of the online forum is for people with depression to talk about thier feelings , experiences and the website has rescoures about mental illness where to seek help.

I am just disappointed because all the forum users suffer from depression , anxiety and some other users suffer from more severe mental illness as well. I was expecting such people to be compassionate and understanding because they are living with a mental illness and know better than most the torment. You wouldn't expect this from a depression support forum which is why i am so upset and betrayed still.

This is how I ended up coming back to Sanactioned Sucide. On the SS forum I can express my real feelings without judgement and hostility. People here understand and actually listen to how I feel.

I love this forum because people are real about thier opinions and not afraid to express controversial views.
On the dealing with depression forum there is not much debate about controversial views on sucide and mental health in general. There is an element of censorship that exists.
On the same forum I criticised mental awareness campaigns in the UK. In the UK Prince Harry and The British Royal Family was heavily involved in mental health campaigns and telling people to seek help. I pointed out how Prince Harry and all the Royals are patronising and out of touch in thier campaign. The reality is most people when they seek help for mental illness in the UK they face a very long wait just to be seen it. In my area there is 10 month waiting list for therapy other areas it varies. The truth is the mental care system is inaccessible to the general public whereas people like The Royal family have immediate access to mental health care and a range of treatments something which most of the public don't have. It is true anyone can suffer from depression and mental illness but wealthy people can access help for thier mental health problems the public dont have this.
Wealthy and privileged celebrities dont live in our world.
The women on the forum said I was wrong and how celebrities have helped create and supported charities to support those with mental health . I said charities shouldn't be dealing with mental health it is the responsibility of the government to fund the mental health care system. The women were just not listening at all.

I really wanted to live but nobody taught me how. I didn't kill myself living in this world killed me.

I am so sorry you had this experience. You were only expressing that you wish you could die, and take the place of the nurses who have died when they wanted to live. To me, that's the opposite of insulting or selfish.

Sadly, I feel the topic of suicide is still misunderstood and shunned, despite the mental health "awareness" campaigns. I have discovered over the years that much of this "awareness" is limited in scope. For example, there's more sympathy for a celebrity with high-functioning depression than an everyday person so debilitated by their mental illness that they can't get out of bed. The former is "brave", the latter is "lazy" or "wallowing." Only mental health issues that are treatable with a short course of CBT or antidepressants and that don't cause others discomfort or inconvenience are "accepted."

"Awareness" consists of a lot of virtue signalling, but no real, tangible change in perspective, culture and provision of effective services and support - all of which are desperately needed.

The public can repost #ItsOkaytoNotBeOkay once per year on World Mental Health Day and feel good about themselves, while those of us who suffer are quietly brushed under the carpet.

This is exactly how I feel about mental health awareness campaigns . It finally reassuring to meet someone who can see all this pubic fakery involved in these mental health campaigns. I am so sick of hearing the pharse "seek help and reach out ". It is cruel for a campaign to tell people to get help while having full knowledge that the mental health system is inaccessible to the public. Most people struggle to access mental health care and the charities know this. In the UK there is a massive long waiting list to see therapist in my area it is 10 months and some areas it is a year.

Last month Meghan Markle admitted she suffered suicidal thoughts in her pregnancy. I believe her because the way the Royal Family live most people can't live like that. The Royal family is about conformity to tradition and presenting an image on the world stage. This expections come with 24/7 scrutiny . This can be a difficult to live as if an individual has not grown up in to a such lifestyle.

What made me so angry is how people on twitter, the celebrities and the charity Mind are calling her "brave" and "inspiring" . I am sorry is not brave nor inspiring she is just a very vulnerable woman this is how i see her.

The same people praising her are the same people who dont even check or have compassion for their friends and family experiencing depression and sucididal thoughts. The hypocrisy and the fake care is so obvious.

There millions of people that suffer from mental illness and don't have to the luxury of a having a wide circle of caring friends and families to support them and wealth like she does. Most people will mental illness are abandoned by society , thier own families and just left alone in their struggle.

When she said on Oprah " live is worth living " i screamed at the TV and just said Meghan shut up. I am sorry but I am not going to be lectured by a privileged millionare actress about the beauty of life.

 

[FireFox]

I have found that same judgemental attitude when I have reached out to professionals about my suicidal thoughts and attempts in the UK. My GP was incredibly supportive until she found out about my past then it became obvious that she was uninterested, so I pulled back again. It can be amazing the double standards applied to mental health.

The Samaritans have been not only uninterested but also quite aggressive with me, they said that there was very little they could do if I wanted to end my life and it was up to me to work with myself.

There have been a few people who have been genuine but the system is so busy you can't get any time with anyone unless you can pay and I have felt that those counsellors were more interested in how long they could get me to pay for.

I feel that my suicide is inevitable because each attempt has brought me closer and damaged me more both physically and mentally and eventually I'll get it right.

The latest craze from the professionals in my life is that exercise is the cure for depression and suicidal thoughts, so it's off to the gym now. I'll always give everything a go then no one can say I didn't try.

This forum has been the best thing for me, really supportive and I have never felt judged and that is so important to me. Thanks SS.

Exactly
People on this forum actually listen and dont judge that is why I am so in love with the forum.
If people in my life actaully listend to me when I said I was depressed at 21 I would have never ended up here.
I wanted a community in which people can listen to me and not judge so i ended up here. I cant live out the forum. I have tried to give life another chance so I take breaks from the forum for many months. Whenever I left the forum I felt so lonely and struggled to cope without it.

I ended up coming back as the feelings of my birthday approaching are becoming overwhelming . I struggled to cope with the outside world again
In the UK a teenager called Richard okorogheye went missing and was found dead in a forest. It is looks most likely a suicide because his mother mentioned her son was struggling to cope with lockdown and the shielding he was doing.

I discussed this my grandmother about the boys death. My grandmother said people who commit suicide are "selfish"
I said to my grandmother " people who are suicidal are not living in reality . Sucididal people have a distored image of how they perceive themselves and the world around them. They are not looking at the world in a normal way"
My grandmother said " that is because they are selfish "
I said to my grandmother "you are very privileged never experiencing suicidal thoughts. People who are suicidal are not looking at the world in a normal way that is why it is called mental illness "
My grandmother still said "its selfish".
This is what were are dealing with.
Nobody in my family know i am suicidal

I reached out before to a "professional" and was met with derision, I won't be doing that again.

So many people are such hypocrites when it comes to the topic of mental health.

I'm sorry you went through this.

Despicable. Those ladies sound more bored and frustrated than depressed.

The ladies on the forum thier lives are very dysfunctional. These women all suffer from depression I was expecting them to be more understanding this is why i am so disappointed.
• The admin: Her husband suffers from severe depression and anxiety. she mentions how her husband was neglecting the children and told her to abort her baby when pregnant with 3rd child.
•Women X frequently writes about how family dont care about her and how she wishes someone can care for her for a change.

 

[motel rooms]

If an individual is suffering from suicidal thoughts and depression the person is told by society and mental health awareness campaigns to reach out and talk to someone.

I did exactly this and all I received was nothing but judgement, hostility and above all no compassion from the people I reached out too.

This experience has completly destroyed my faith and trust in people especially those who claim to care about mental health. Never again will I reach out . NEVER Again!

Reach out to a mental health professional. Forums can be helpful, but they are no substitute for therapy

 

[LastFlowers]

Exactly
People on this forum actually listen and dont judge that is why I am so in love with the forum.
If people in my life actaully listend to me when I said I was depressed at 21 I would have never ended up here.
I wanted a community in which people can listen to me and not judge so i ended up here. I cant live out the forum. I have tried to give life another chance so I take breaks from the forum for many months. Whenever I left the forum I felt so lonely and struggled to cope without it.

I ended up coming back as the feelings of my birthday approaching are becoming overwhelming . I struggled to cope with the outside world again
In the UK a teenager called Richard okorogheye went missing and was found dead in a forest. It is looks most likely a suicide because his mother mentioned her son was struggling to cope with lockdown and the shielding he was doing.

I discussed this my grandmother about the boys death. My grandmother said people who commit suicide are "selfish"
I said to my grandmother " people who are suicidal are not living in reality . Sucididal people have a distored image of how they perceive themselves and the world around them. They are not looking at the world in a normal way"
My grandmother said " that is because they are selfish "
I said to my grandmother "you are very privileged never experiencing suicidal thoughts. People who are suicidal are not looking at the world in a normal way that is why it is called mental illness "
My grandmother still said "its selfish".
This is what were are dealing with.
Nobody in my family know i am suicidal


The ladies on the forum thier lives are very dysfunctional. These women all suffer from depression I was expecting them to be more understanding this is why i am so disappointed.
• The admin: Her husband suffers from severe depression and anxiety. she mentions how her husband was neglecting the children and told her to abort her baby when pregnant with 3rd child.
•Women X frequently writes about how family dont care about her and how she wishes someone can care for her for a change.

Well to be fair, a lot of suicidal people would attest otherwise, as far as the bit about perceiving the world and themselves in a distorted way.
I would argue the complete opposite, that many of us have had our eyes forced open to what society and the world at large really IS, I don't think pain distorts so much as pleasure and positivity do, I also think a lot of pain comes from having a realist viewpoint of how things work, especially if you end up on the shit side of the deal.
Not everyone here would agree to a label of mental illness either, some of us deny the authority of psych practices altogether, or at the very least, heavily criticize their labels and their control over our lives and autonomy.
That said, if you feel differently toward your own specific situation, then that is valid too.

Btw Firefox, did you post about this awhile ago? Or something similar?
I got major deja-vu from reading this and was just wondering if this was something you had posted about before?

I am sorry you experienced hostility from these other women, even though they could not escape their own hypocrisy.
I think part of the problem is, they don't understand where you are coming from, even if they have experienced suicidal thoughts themselves, they may not agree it's a valid option, they just see "I wish I would have died from Covid" and instantly become enraged if they have any personal ties to loss during the pandemic. (Some could also be virtue signaling tbh)
To them, you saying you want to die from covid, is putting a positive spin on all deaths from Covid, including their loved ones.
They are not seeing death as an end to suffering, but an end to the existence of those they loved, perhaps without the opportunity to even say goodbye..so they can't imagine anyone's desire of this outcome, it is inherently offensive to them. Think about something that causes you to suffer, and then think about the scenario of someone telling you they wish they had your problem..well I guess that one woman did rudely allude to such, but anyway, just think about how insulting that is.
The difference I will grant is that, your intentions were good and theirs seemed malicious toward you.
They think in black and white terms, and they see red at certain buzzwords, so it's going to be difficult for you to have a constructive conversation with them, or garner support with your honesty.
I doubt they even comprehended what you were actually getting at..which was that you agreed with them about how horrible Covid can be (and the restrictions around it) to the point that you would give your life, which you have deemed unlivable, for someone you consider having a livelihood with more worth.
I'm not saying what you believe is true or that you have less worth than those you want to trade places with, but I'm just reiterating that what you wish was actually a kindness to people who have died of Covid.
If I'm understanding this correctly, you would rather give your life to them, and take on their death, simply switch places. I can't see how someone would be offended by that if they actually understood what you were saying.
You weren't dismissing the seriousness, but they still mistook you as being flippant.
Again, I am sorry their reaction to your statement spiraled into bringing you more turmoil, that must have been horrible to be attacked by the majority with no one backing you up.
Did not even one person see the discussion clearly or come to your defense?
..if not, I'm glad you at least have this place, where most of us understand the type of statement you made. At least, I do. I have made similar ones in the past but have come to salt them with heavy explanations so that others don't jump down my throat.

 

[Braindead Atheist]

If an individual is suffering from suicidal thoughts and depression the person is told by society and mental health awareness campaigns to reach out and talk to someone.

I did exactly this and all I received was nothing but judgement, hostility and above all no compassion from the people I reached out too.

This experience has completly destroyed my faith and trust in people especially those who claim to care about mental health. Never again will I reach out . NEVER Again!

During the first lockdown i used online depression forum . The fourm is female dominated which most women are 30 + . I thought I would feel safe and comfortable expressing my true feelings on such a forum because the women were so open about thier suicide attempts and living with depression and anxiety. I was expecting to be listened and understood too.
I was wrong the women were the biggest bullies ever.

During an online discussion i mentioned the news story about the 35 year old NHS nurse who died from covid19 and how it upset me. I mentioned how i wished i died of covid19 instead of all the nurses and doctors who died. The doctors and nurses had so much to live to for they were married , had children and knew thier real place in the world which was to heal. I felt like i didn't deserve to be alive because i am just a lost individual who doesn't know her real place in the world and have nothing going for me in my life ( single , childless,unemployed. I am a loser).

This is how I genuinely felt throughout lockdown i wish i didnt have these feelings and cant share this with my family because they have lost relatives to covid19.

The women all became judgemental and just vile when I mentioned this.

The admin of the site she said how my comments were "insulting" and lectured me about she was shielding with her husband and kids during lockdown. This is the same woman her husband wanted her to have an abortion when she pregnant with their 3 child and she went ahead with the pregnancy alone. She still stayed with him. She is open about the problems in her marriage as well her experience of postnatal depression she had in a 3 pregnancies and her severe depression/anxiety she suffers from.

Another women lets call her women x she was the worst bully ever. She was telling me how her cousin died from covid19 and he didn't get say goodbye. She said " i didn't know what I was talking about ". She told she was getting fed up of my "self pitying ". She even called me 'selfish"

Women X has an entire thread which she whines about how no one in her family cares about her and how she is lonely. She is in her 40s. She accuses me of self pity when she is the biggest one herself.
She went further to bring up my background " i wish i was young, had a law degree and a family who cared for me"

I explained my point of view that i genuiely believe I dont deserve to be alive and I wish i didn't think this way.

Women x would keep attacking me and kept acting like she had the answers for everything.

When i defended myself all the other depression forum members accused me of bullying her and attacking her. This woman constantly attacked me but the forum sided with her as she is thier friend. The women even called me "disgusting" . The admin constantly sided with women x and went further to say how women x is having a "hardtime".

The women were happy to talk about thier suicide attempts, thier shitty marriages and families. I expressed the belief about how i genuinely wish i was dead from covid19 the women turn out to be the most judgemental and vile people ever. If i cant even express my feelings on a depression then I am not safe anywhere.

This is shown me people who preach mental health are the biggest bullies ever . This is not the first i have experienced bullying and hostile behaviour by individuals who claim to care about mental health/wellbeing.

My suicide is inevitable because when I reached out people didn't want to listen. I really wanted to live but nobody taught me how.
I am tired of living. I have to come realise life isnt for me and I am not strong enough to live in this world.
I wish I died of covid19 everyday . I dont deserve to be alive. I am a healthy 23 year old woman but it is pointless if I don't know my purpose in life and struggle to find my real place in the world.

Wow I am so sorry people were such assholes. Don't you just hate people?! I had a similar experience twice. The first time I thought about suicide it was in highschool freshman year. I was in a 1 on 1 room for those with mental retardation and had only 1 friend who I'd known since 7th grade. Her name was ashlee and she was blind. I had my friends from my parents church (I'm an atheist now) and then we moved parishes. I felt alone and like I was missing out. I told ashley I wanted to kill myself over lunch and she started crying and told a teacher. The next day my para gave me some news, ashlees parents didn't want me sitting with her anymore or hanging out. I lost my only friend. We became friends again a year later but the connection was gone and she started arguing with me and taking the girl who bullied me's side(they were friends too). Then I got a note from her that said "you are nothing but a bitter memory " I was furious! The second time I was suicidal was when I was stressed in junior college and learning how to drive. My I told my best friend at the time that I wanted euthanasia and she said she wanted a week break from our friendship. I gave her about 5 days and then someone cheated on my paper. I was furious and felt my best friend would be nice enough to make an acception from the break since I helped her with stuff even when I was mad at her. But NOOOOO! Infact now she wanted a two week break. I texted her two weeks later after her mom had told my mom my bff was "tired of my negativity " I told her I'd give her the two weeks as long as she promised we would always be friends. But she said, "I don't know maybe " and stopped being my friend and then befriended all of my friends and talked trash about me to all of them. I can say people are selfish and NEVER open up to anyone outside of this site. It never ends well. I know every one will eventually ditch me so I'm just saving them trouble and myself pain. Maybe we could kill ourselves together? Or idk maybe death is just too personal.