Discussion When & how did you realize you are ready to ctb

[Chemi]

I think many of us are asking ourselves the question often, whether or not we are ready to ctb.
What made you realize in the past it was your time, and did you still have doubts at that point?
Also, for people who haven't reached that point before, what do you think you would feel like shortly before trying to ctb?
Were you anxious? doubtful? excited? happy?
If you changed your mind shortly before or during it, what made you change your mind?

 

[peewee]

im there, just waiting for the supplies. idk, just realising how horrible my situation is, how lonely and abandoned i am. how no one really cares, and that im not enough, and people will secretly be releived when im dead

 

[Chemi]

im there, just waiting for the supplies. idk, just realising how horrible my situation is, how lonely and abandoned i am. how no one really cares, and that im not enough, and people will secretly be releived when im dead

Are you excited about your supplies arriving, or are you feeling more sad that you were forced into this situation by your surroundings? (Forced was an assumption on my side after reading your message. Please correct me if I misunderstood you.)

 

[UserFromNowhere]

The closest I ever got to suicide never got to being an actual attempt. I didn't feel anxious. I did try to reach out to someone and got lucky they responded, but there was no anxiety, it turned into a simple either or dilemma; a gamble with death where I would've gone through with it had they not responded. One could say I wasn't ready to CTB after all, they would be right, but it became a very real possibility.

 

[Chemi]

I think it is only fair for me to share as well.

I had one very serious attempt. Choose a date and spend months preparing everything. Most times during the preparation phase, I felt like I was just a spectator in my own body heading towards my destiny. Just existing on autopilot. Once i got closer to my chosen date, the numbness slowly turned into excitement. So much so that I actually couldn't resist it anymore and attempted about a week before I planned.

The method was a mix of different pills, including opiates. Taking them felt kinda surreal. I was shaking from anxiety and feeling very lightheaded, almost detached from reality, but at the same time very relieved and excited. Like a huge burden is falling off my shoulders. I don't remember much of what happened between taking the final pills and falling asleep.

I think I woke up multiple times to throw up or just had glimpses of consciousness. When exactly I woke up, I don't remember. I lost my sense of time completely.
I remember feeling extremely peaceful. No worries, no thoughts, just existing, almost floating. I don't remember feeling my body much. No pain or discomfort, even though I apparently threw up "quite a lot" of blood (description from my mother).

I later woke up in a hospital bed after a few days had passed. Got apparently reanimated and fixed up after my mother smelled the vomit. Worst hangover I ever had. Felt like total shit and very weak for multiple weeks. Can not recommend :D

Besides that, I tried to OD on different drugs and pills, but I don't consider those as a serious attempt. More like gambling.

I guess, being ready felt like nothing for the most part. For me, it just became another chore I needed to get done.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

For me, ready isn't a feeling, it's a decision. And I've decided to go ahead and do it. And the decision makes me feel ready. I let myself feel the spiritual fatigue. I feel the exhaustion that 'hope' brings. The burden of having to re-engage with life one more time. To have to enter into a painful, Schopenhauerian existence of understanding life and trying to navigate it in spite of how I feel and what I know. Those things make me ready. I just don't have the energy left to give this life. I'm escaping this nightmare while there's still some part of me left worth saving.