Discussion When Do You Think You *Should* Have Killed Yourself?

[Celerity]

Starting around age 11/12, I have contemplated killing myself.

Looking back over the last 17 years since, there have been good moments, but I'd set my ideal expiration date at about 19 years old (10 years ago).

At the latest, I really should have gone through with it 5 years ago when I was 24. Suffering through the worst depressive episode of my life, my motivation to CTB had truly peaked. That would have been the time. Now I'm on the fence again and wondering wtf I'm here for.

 

[stoiccactus]

I think around the same. Instead of killing myself, I just tried to do it the miserable way by drinking myself silly for a decade. Sobered up but realized I probably should've done the deed when I was 20 or so. Would've saved myself and others a whole lot of grief.

 

[Celerity]

I think around the same. Instead of killing myself, I just tried to do it the miserable way by drinking myself silly for a decade. Sobered up but realized I probably should've done the deed when I was 20 or so. Would've saved myself and others a whole lot of grief.

I am developing a drinking problem. At one point in my life, I would have started much more controversial substances. I still want to try cocaine someday.

 

[stoiccactus]

I am developing a drinking problem. At one point in my life, I would have started much more controversial substances. I still want to try cocaine someday.

It gets old after a while and in some ways leads to a life worse than death.

 

[Celerity]

It gets old after a while and in some ways leads to a life worse than death.

Oh, for sure, but it's hard to control myself when sobriety sucks so much.

 

[odradek]

I should have done it when I still had money a few years back. I can't believe 2020 was 2 years ago already. Time flies when you're wasting away in depression. Now I'm in a situation where suicide is exponentially more difficult and I have regrets. Alas, we must live with our choices. And regrets.

 

[stoiccactus]

Oh, for sure, but it's hard to control myself when sobriety sucks so much.

Sober 12 years and it still sucks. Once you ride that wave you can never get those highs again. Sucks.

 

[IwantSomething]

pretty long ago. Backstory, my parents are the heavy republican homophobic racist trumpie type people. You can assume they don't believe in mental health. They had only ever let me see one therapist before and that was a Christian therapist to turn me straight. I was not doing well in any aspect and I had been SH-ing and had an eating disorder. One night things were bad and I wanted to end it so I went to my dads room and took his hand gun it was just sitting on the ironing board next to his belt and wallet. (He's a cop he has this gun on him everyday he didn't feel the need to lock it up) I skittered back to my bathroom and sat there on the counter turning it over in my hand and looking at every little detail. I thought it would be easy just hold it up and pull the trigger. But something about it made me pause. I sat there for maybe an hour before deciding that I needed to. I held it up to my head and my hand was shaking so badly I kept pulling it down and putting it back up. And eventually I pulled the trigger. It was placed so that the barrel was resting on the side of my head but for some reason it have like a really hard jerk. Maybe it was me pulling it away at the last second maybe it was the gun im not sure. And the bullet went into the bathroom wall behind me. I could hear anything. It was loud and ringing and everything sounded so far away I was so cold. I sat on the counter and stared at the gun waiting for my dad to come running to the bathroom. But he didn't. He never came. I eventually got a majority of my hearing back and walked to his room. My legs were shaking like a new born horses. And I had to shake him and wake him up and he looked at me and asked me what was happening and that it better be important. I just broke. I was sobbing and my legs gave out and I was hyperventilating and everything seemed like it was too much. And I just sort of pointed in the direction of my bathroom so he got me up and we went and he looked at the bullet hole in the wall. And he yelled at me about how he could lose his job and how I was going to destroy what everyone thought of them. It was horrible he didn't care that I nearly died he cared that he could have been fired. He locked the guns up after that. I should have held my hand more steady or positioned it under my chin or done something to make sure that bullet found it's mark. I was in sixth grade. But I should have ended it right then and there.

 

[Sick&TiredURGH]

Wish my overdose at 17 had worked. Wish that in 2012 when I was in a life threatening situation that I had chosen to go home rather than to ER. Really really wish my OD last October had done the job.
This is the year when I do it, planned and carefully and make sure that it works this time!!

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I should have checked out in 2007.
Put everything in a trust for my son so his dad couldn't touch it and just go.
My dad had just died in my arms, I was all alone, husband was off having an affair. He wasn't there the entire time I was caring for my dad.
He wasn't even there to help with the funeral.
I had the means to check out then. I should have done it.
A huge regret.

 

[Sick&TiredURGH]

pretty long ago. Backstory, my parents are the heavy republican homophobic racist trumpie type people. You can assume they don't believe in mental health. They had only ever let me see one therapist before and that was a Christian therapist to turn me straight. I was not doing well in any aspect and I had been SH-ing and had an eating disorder. One night things were bad and I wanted to end it so I went to my dads room and took his hand gun it was just sitting on the ironing board next to his belt and wallet. (He's a cop he has this gun on him everyday he didn't feel the need to lock it up) I skittered back to my bathroom and sat there on the counter turning it over in my hand and looking at every little detail. I thought it would be easy just hold it up and pull the trigger. But something about it made me pause. I sat there for maybe an hour before deciding that I needed to. I held it up to my head and my hand was shaking so badly I kept pulling it down and putting it back up. And eventually I pulled the trigger. It was placed so that the barrel was resting on the side of my head but for some reason it have like a really hard jerk. Maybe it was me pulling it away at the last second maybe it was the gun im not sure. And the bullet went into the bathroom wall behind me. I could hear anything. It was loud and ringing and everything sounded so far away I was so cold. I sat on the counter and stared at the gun waiting for my dad to come running to the bathroom. But he didn't. He never came. I eventually got a majority of my hearing back and walked to his room. My legs were shaking like a new born horses. And I had to shake him and wake him up and he looked at me and asked me what was happening and that it better be important. I just broke. I was sobbing and my legs gave out and I was hyperventilating and everything seemed like it was too much. And I just sort of pointed in the direction of my bathroom so he got me up and we went and he looked at the bullet hole in the wall. And he yelled at me about how he could lose his job and how I was going to destroy what everyone thought of them. It was horrible he didn't care that I nearly died he cared that he could have been fired. He locked the guns up after that. I should have held my hand more steady or positioned it under my chin or done something to make sure that bullet found it's mark. I was in sixth grade. But I should have ended it right then and there.

That's worse much worse than my dad's reaction at my OD at 17.
Your father sounds like a total prick, I hope you are no contact with him now.

 

[stoiccactus]

pretty long ago. Backstory, my parents are the heavy republican homophobic racist trumpie type people. You can assume they don't believe in mental health. They had only ever let me see one therapist before and that was a Christian therapist to turn me straight. I was not doing well in any aspect and I had been SH-ing and had an eating disorder. One night things were bad and I wanted to end it so I went to my dads room and took his hand gun it was just sitting on the ironing board next to his belt and wallet. (He's a cop he has this gun on him everyday he didn't feel the need to lock it up) I skittered back to my bathroom and sat there on the counter turning it over in my hand and looking at every little detail. I thought it would be easy just hold it up and pull the trigger. But something about it made me pause. I sat there for maybe an hour before deciding that I needed to. I held it up to my head and my hand was shaking so badly I kept pulling it down and putting it back up. And eventually I pulled the trigger. It was placed so that the barrel was resting on the side of my head but for some reason it have like a really hard jerk. Maybe it was me pulling it away at the last second maybe it was the gun im not sure. And the bullet went into the bathroom wall behind me. I could hear anything. It was loud and ringing and everything sounded so far away I was so cold. I sat on the counter and stared at the gun waiting for my dad to come running to the bathroom. But he didn't. He never came. I eventually got a majority of my hearing back and walked to his room. My legs were shaking like a new born horses. And I had to shake him and wake him up and he looked at me and asked me what was happening and that it better be important. I just broke. I was sobbing and my legs gave out and I was hyperventilating and everything seemed like it was too much. And I just sort of pointed in the direction of my bathroom so he got me up and we went and he looked at the bullet hole in the wall. And he yelled at me about how he could lose his job and how I was going to destroy what everyone thought of them. It was horrible he didn't care that I nearly died he cared that he could have been fired. He locked the guns up after that. I should have held my hand more steady or positioned it under my chin or done something to make sure that bullet found it's mark. I was in sixth grade. But I should have ended it right then and there.

Oh my god I am so fucking sorry you went through this. How does a cop, of all people, not lock up his weapon?! And then, you were a child. God. I'm so so sorry you went through this. I'm a parent and this makes me want to vomit.

 

[Voi]

Lo habría hecho a los 18, después de eso solo empeoró, literalmente no tengo nada y nunca lo tengo.

 

[Celerity]

pretty long ago. Backstory, my parents are the heavy republican homophobic racist trumpie type people. You can assume they don't believe in mental health. They had only ever let me see one therapist before and that was a Christian therapist to turn me straight. I was not doing well in any aspect and I had been SH-ing and had an eating disorder. One night things were bad and I wanted to end it so I went to my dads room and took his hand gun it was just sitting on the ironing board next to his belt and wallet. (He's a cop he has this gun on him everyday he didn't feel the need to lock it up) I skittered back to my bathroom and sat there on the counter turning it over in my hand and looking at every little detail. I thought it would be easy just hold it up and pull the trigger. But something about it made me pause. I sat there for maybe an hour before deciding that I needed to. I held it up to my head and my hand was shaking so badly I kept pulling it down and putting it back up. And eventually I pulled the trigger. It was placed so that the barrel was resting on the side of my head but for some reason it have like a really hard jerk. Maybe it was me pulling it away at the last second maybe it was the gun im not sure. And the bullet went into the bathroom wall behind me. I could hear anything. It was loud and ringing and everything sounded so far away I was so cold. I sat on the counter and stared at the gun waiting for my dad to come running to the bathroom. But he didn't. He never came. I eventually got a majority of my hearing back and walked to his room. My legs were shaking like a new born horses. And I had to shake him and wake him up and he looked at me and asked me what was happening and that it better be important. I just broke. I was sobbing and my legs gave out and I was hyperventilating and everything seemed like it was too much. And I just sort of pointed in the direction of my bathroom so he got me up and we went and he looked at the bullet hole in the wall. And he yelled at me about how he could lose his job and how I was going to destroy what everyone thought of them. It was horrible he didn't care that I nearly died he cared that he could have been fired. He locked the guns up after that. I should have held my hand more steady or positioned it under my chin or done something to make sure that bullet found it's mark. I was in sixth grade. But I should have ended it right then and there.

Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry. Your Dad is a real piece of work. What a heartless way to respond to that.

Gunshot is my chosen method. I'm going to have to do a ton of rehearsals to get it right.

 

[theboy]

I should have done it years ago. The older I get, the harder it is to do CTB. So, I must have done well at 16

 

[Lullaby]

Before or when I was 18. After my first suicide attempt, I never thought I was going to make it to that age. I've had some okay moments throughout my twenties, but my mental state has only gotten worse and I'm still pretty much stuck in the same way I was when I was younger.

Things have gotten worse, but they're also still the same. It probably doesn't make much sense, but that really kills me inside. It would've been better for myself and everyone if I had just checked out back then, really wish I had.

 

[spacehardware]

The first time I tried was in 2007. I was 15. I wish that attempt had worked, as things have only deteriorated, and it would have been for the best. I often feel guilty for friendships and relationships I have formed with people since; if I'd have ended it years ago, they wouldn't get hurt by my leaving.

 

[brokensea]

pretty long ago. Backstory, my parents are the heavy republican homophobic racist trumpie type people. You can assume they don't believe in mental health. They had only ever let me see one therapist before and that was a Christian therapist to turn me straight. I was not doing well in any aspect and I had been SH-ing and had an eating disorder. One night things were bad and I wanted to end it so I went to my dads room and took his hand gun it was just sitting on the ironing board next to his belt and wallet. (He's a cop he has this gun on him everyday he didn't feel the need to lock it up) I skittered back to my bathroom and sat there on the counter turning it over in my hand and looking at every little detail. I thought it would be easy just hold it up and pull the trigger. But something about it made me pause. I sat there for maybe an hour before deciding that I needed to. I held it up to my head and my hand was shaking so badly I kept pulling it down and putting it back up. And eventually I pulled the trigger. It was placed so that the barrel was resting on the side of my head but for some reason it have like a really hard jerk. Maybe it was me pulling it away at the last second maybe it was the gun im not sure. And the bullet went into the bathroom wall behind me. I could hear anything. It was loud and ringing and everything sounded so far away I was so cold. I sat on the counter and stared at the gun waiting for my dad to come running to the bathroom. But he didn't. He never came. I eventually got a majority of my hearing back and walked to his room. My legs were shaking like a new born horses. And I had to shake him and wake him up and he looked at me and asked me what was happening and that it better be important. I just broke. I was sobbing and my legs gave out and I was hyperventilating and everything seemed like it was too much. And I just sort of pointed in the direction of my bathroom so he got me up and we went and he looked at the bullet hole in the wall. And he yelled at me about how he could lose his job and how I was going to destroy what everyone thought of them. It was horrible he didn't care that I nearly died he cared that he could have been fired. He locked the guns up after that. I should have held my hand more steady or positioned it under my chin or done something to make sure that bullet found it's mark. I was in sixth grade. But I should have ended it right then and there.

That's so god awful and turns my stomach. I've had a similar reaction from a parental figure. Just no words for how wrong, sociopathic, and sick that is. I feel so bad for you. You deserved so much more. People who are supposed to love you can make you feel so worthless. It's all them but you feel so abandoned and sick inside being treated that way.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

pretty long ago. Backstory, my parents are the heavy republican homophobic racist trumpie type people. You can assume they don't believe in mental health. They had only ever let me see one therapist before and that was a Christian therapist to turn me straight. I was not doing well in any aspect and I had been SH-ing and had an eating disorder. One night things were bad and I wanted to end it so I went to my dads room and took his hand gun it was just sitting on the ironing board next to his belt and wallet. (He's a cop he has this gun on him everyday he didn't feel the need to lock it up) I skittered back to my bathroom and sat there on the counter turning it over in my hand and looking at every little detail. I thought it would be easy just hold it up and pull the trigger. But something about it made me pause. I sat there for maybe an hour before deciding that I needed to. I held it up to my head and my hand was shaking so badly I kept pulling it down and putting it back up. And eventually I pulled the trigger. It was placed so that the barrel was resting on the side of my head but for some reason it have like a really hard jerk. Maybe it was me pulling it away at the last second maybe it was the gun im not sure. And the bullet went into the bathroom wall behind me. I could hear anything. It was loud and ringing and everything sounded so far away I was so cold. I sat on the counter and stared at the gun waiting for my dad to come running to the bathroom. But he didn't. He never came. I eventually got a majority of my hearing back and walked to his room. My legs were shaking like a new born horses. And I had to shake him and wake him up and he looked at me and asked me what was happening and that it better be important. I just broke. I was sobbing and my legs gave out and I was hyperventilating and everything seemed like it was too much. And I just sort of pointed in the direction of my bathroom so he got me up and we went and he looked at the bullet hole in the wall. And he yelled at me about how he could lose his job and how I was going to destroy what everyone thought of them. It was horrible he didn't care that I nearly died he cared that he could have been fired. He locked the guns up after that. I should have held my hand more steady or positioned it under my chin or done something to make sure that bullet found it's mark. I was in sixth grade. But I should have ended it right then and there.

That's an incredible story…

 

[Hurt]

2 years ago

 

[Sun_]

A los 17 más o menos

 

[Suicidebydeath]

When I was 11, or if possible to contemplate it earlier than that, I wish I was never born. There were always continually horrors after that, so any time after would be a good time. I would not choose to die around 19-20 or 23-25, as I was in specific relationships and possibly the happiest I could be, or indeed, happy at all. There was a lot of awful stuff preceding those relationships so I think overall better to have never been born.

 

[bed]

between 2013-2015

 

[not_ready]

10 maybe? i don't remember my age specifically but I thought about hanging myself in the closet

 

[Job Joad]

I've been thinking of suicide ever since the age of 12. People said "It will get better" blah blah blah! Well it didn't. I wasn't able to find my niche in this world. Also the same miserable people are still hurting me with the things that they done even after they are now finally gone. If I did it then wouldn't have missed anything besides a few good t.v. shows.

 

[akana]

Late September/October 2021 the latest

I regret still being alive for things that did not serve me and taking people's disrespect. and that the story is being written each second I'm here despite so

 

[LaVieEnRose]

10 years ago at 20. The past decade was...horrible and the same.fundamental problems remain.

 

[sad jester]

7 or 8 years ago, when I truly started to experience pure loneliness and despair. This was also the first time I fell in love and got my heart stomped on. Maybe then I could've avoided the next million times my life sunk to the gutter. Maybe it would've been easier for my younger sister to deal with then. I would've also saved my ex wife from the pain of having to experience me leaving this world as well as my daughter who will wonder why I'm not here any longer. I could've saved them all the pain if I just did it back then.

 

[Xocoyotzin]

Before it started getting weird that I still live with my parents and that I've never had a job.

 

[Forever Sleep]

First time I contemplated it was age 10. My 'right' time hasn't come yet though- sadly. Feel like I need to wait for the last remaining family member- who I think just wouldn't get over it to pass (my Dad). After that, I think it will be ok- enough for me to go.