I
I screwed up too bad
Member
- Aug 31, 2020
- 30
What was it that finally made you decide to give up? What prompted you?
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I barely had any before all this started. Now I'm a complete wreck.Coronavirus fucking things up for everybody and making life more difficult. My depression has gotten a lot worse since lockdown started.
Wow, that sounds really tough. Im sorry to hear that.Having to go through college all over again, from the start.
Wow, that sounds really tough. Im sorry to hear that.Having to go through college all over again, from the start.
I'm so sorry to hear that.My ex leaving me was the catalyst for a catastrophic mental breakdown from which I doubt I will ever recover from.
I barely had a problem before this started. Now I'm a complete wreck.Coronavirus fucking things up for everybody and making life more difficult. My depression has gotten a lot worse since lockdown started.
I definitely feel that.I kind of threw in the towel once I realised that life will never stop throwing suffering at me, no matter what I do. I no longer respect existence because of that.
2020 definitely feels that way.When I realized this world is rotten, and beyond help.
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I can't even imagine how painful that is.I've been dead since my older son died in a car accident. I've tried to hang out for my younger son. The grief, loneliness, sadness, depression grows worse as more time goes without my son. When I begged my younger son to call and he didn't. I realized he probably won't be affected by my choice to CTB. There is no reason to stay for my younger son who just doesn't seem to care.
I can empathize with that. I haven't been hospitalized, but I had a friend do something similar. It really hurts to know what bs the anti suicide stuff is.Two Things:
I was hospitalized in the psychiatric ward for 1 week after experiencing suicidal thoughts. My roommate stayed up all night screaming and throwing shit at the walls. One patient kept on stealing clothes and running around wearing them. One patient threatened to kill me. That experience made me know my experience wasn't normal - that it was uniquely terrible.
I came close once. I texted my friends goodbye. For some reason, I decided to give life a chance (I regret it). My friends texted back with anger. They accused me of faking it all for attention and decided to stop being my friends. That killed me. It shows me that no one actually cares. No one actually cares whether you live or die. Anti-suicide stuff is mainly lip service.
Both experiences isolated me. I wasn't ever going to be okay after being hospitalized. I was a pariah. No one wanted me to be okay. I was a pariah forever. For that I know I need to die.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Wow.My ex leaving because she dont see herself in a relationship anymore, but she still love me.
Me finding that I have autism (wich make a lot of sense about a lot of my struggle in life now that I know it)
And the damocles sword above my head that I may have been sexually abused as a child (just remember an indecent assault at the start of meeting this person then blank, until I go in the car with my mum saying I dont want to see this person again but didnt give any reason. My councillor talk about possible suppressed memory)
I've been dead since my older son died in a car accident. I've tried to hang out for my younger son. The grief, loneliness, sadness, depression grows worse as more time goes without my son. When I begged my younger son to call and he didn't. I realized he probably won't be affected by my choice to CTB. There is no reason to stay for my younger son who just doesn't seem to care.
I'm so sorry, that must have been so hard. That really sucks.I decided to give up back in January of 2018, my batshit crazy boyfriend at the time was threatening to kill himself if I didn't get accepted to the same college as him, and I thought he was serious about it. So when I got the letter telling me I didn't get in, I didn't want to see him die so I decided to ctb before he did.
I locked myself in my room and swallowed the rest of the pills in my Xanax bottle thinking it would kill me.
This boy went on to traumatize me some more before finally breaking up with me in July of the same year and I've been miserable ever since.
I'm sorry to hear that happened. That really sucks.The ultimate reason was when I got fired 10 months ago because I was having post-traumatic symptoms of when I was abused when I was 17. I hate my life and you can't trust anyone.
I'm so sorry you lost your son. I cant even imagine that pain.
I only have one child, but I relate to what you said because I've been losing my relationship with her for years due to mental health and addiction issues. The more I realize we will never have a close relationship again, the more depressed I get. Realizing I'm growing older and will be forever alone, which I have no desire to exist that way.
Yes. There's lots of shady stuff going on in America, and then there's Austrailia and China with the police state and "labor camps". This shit is so scary and there's nothing we can do about it.There's literally another holocaust happening and no one gives a shit
I wish I knew what to say that would help you. You are so incredibly nice. I have no doubt he is just fine and happy where he is now.I've been dead since my older son died in a car accident. I've tried to hang out for my younger son. The grief, loneliness, sadness, depression grows worse as more time goes without my son. When I begged my younger son to call and he didn't. I realized he probably won't be affected by my choice to CTB. There is no reason to stay for my younger son who just doesn't seem to care.
I'm so sorry. Physical issues suck. They brought me here.When I suddenly couldn't walk more than a few steps.
Yeah this corona thing changed many things...December 2019 to February 2020 I was in the Depression Clinic. The result was that I actually wanted to put the ctb thoughts aside again and start therapy in order to build up a social network.
The Corona shutdown prevented that and luckily brought me to my senses.
ctb is the only right way for me.
52 years are enough