When did it become real for you that you're actually going to ctb?

[Moon Flower]

I tested my sn on some blood tonight and for some reason seeing how fast the color changed was my "this is it, it's really happening" moment. When was yours? Have you had it yet? If not when do you think it'll hit you?

 

[Backwood_tilt]

either it happened when my ex partner broke up with me, or it's going to happen when my last CTB item arrives.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

When I got the shipping confirmation that my sn was on its way. It did show up about 2 weeks ago. Literally was like shit just got real. Now just biding my time.

 

[Fragile]

a week ago i rented an apartment for myself, now i can finally start making my preparations and carry on with my plans if everything continues to get worse in my life.

 

[Ghost2211]

When my ex found someone new.

 

[theguineapigking]

I don't know if I've truly had it. But I think I have. I have my rope and practiced partial suspension in our basement. My body went numb and tingly. I really considered doing it tonight(a few hours ago). But my family(not marriage. It's my mom dad and siblings) is holding me back.

I think my brothers about to get his driving license today at 17. I'm 21 and don't have one due to my fatigue. That's good enough for me. I sure hope I can actually step over the edge and kill myself. I've been meaning to for 5 years.


I wish you all peace,painlessness,and Happiness. :)

 

[maka]

When my grades started to slip and I realized that after busting my ass in school for 12 years, a freaking SAT score determines whether or not I get into a decent college/get a scholarship.

 

[TAW122]

The turning point really was much sooner, like years ago when I knew my life sucked, I hated society and it's ways, I questioned existence, used philosophy to try to find answers (which to no avail), and more. Then I started to research methods and means, and near end of 2018, I acquired my method, which means I would have CTB'd in 2019. I didn't in 2019 because I just hung on to live a bit longer to experience some stuff in life. I went from being actively suicidal to passively suicidal, not wishing to immediately die, then in 2020 I decided, this is it, life no longer held anything worth to me to stick around and at best, it is a fleeting moment with much more strain, suffering, and grind only to reach another fleeting moment. It's time that I just spare myself the trouble and anguish of all this suffering, effort, just to have a fleeting moment of joy.

So in short, I am (and have been) living on 'borrowed time' since the last few years.

 

[NeverHungry]

When I realised recovering from my eating disorder would make things a lot worse/would not save me.

 

[Meretlein]

When I got my N. I couldn't stop looking at it for awhile. It was surreal.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

When I realized that I can't make a progress.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Once I procured all of my materials.

 

[Krakenmonster]

Just recently once I realized that my mental health (depression, anxiety, yada yada) probably won't get better and I won't ever feel true happiness (or just simple contentment) no matter how often I change my lifestyle and try anew or how many supportive and loving people I'm surrounded by. Not even going to therapy for a whole year helped. It actually made things worse by...well, just not working and not helping. Like there's one option less I can do to save me from myself and inner struggles. So, why fight it? I'm so exhausted and listless and I just want to run away from this existence for ever. And even if everything gets better, it will inevitably become worse again after some time and I'm so tired of this useless rollercoaster. Therefore my goal is to ctb before the next week and I almost hung myself today (the noose preparation was already around my neck and I was just about to kneel down and press down on my carotid arteries) but unfortunately was interrupted by a family member coming home (it was just a few minutes after they were supposed to go away for at least an hour and they didn't leave again so I couldn't try again). Thankfully they didn't catch me, I heard them beforehand and quickly hid my noose preparation. Now I'm thinking about the merit of "going for a short walk in the woods, don't worry I'll be back in half an hour (no, I won't because I'll be dead)". I will probably have to do it like that in the woods then if I don't have the house for myself by the end of this week. Wish me luck!

 

[TheEndof]

Hard to pinpoint an exact moment, but recently my partner (and father of my child) has told me despite 6 years of telling me he would marry me, he will not. I think that's when it all sort of fell into place in my head. Like, something switched and I felt a sense of peace in my desire to CTB. That had never happened before -- at least not to that extent.

 

[faust]

I think it became real when realized that no matter what I am doing for the better tomorrow, everything is like nullified, every struggle does not pay hundredfold, it just gives nothing except for disappointment. Even when I try to believe my life has some relationships with success, it gives me a punch and let me stay where I am. More than 200 books read about psychology and self-development, but it only gives knowledge, no results. I have derealization, so life is unreal to me at the current point. CTB is more real, because I know what is the result. However it will be even more real when I will be holding N bottle in my hands and knowing that soon it will be "finita la commedia"

 

[lovemelovemenot]

Probably when I took a step back and realized that my life was fucked from the beginning. I'll never have the things it would take for me to truly be happy and content with being alive. When I realized death would be the only way to be free from this hell, and that I couldn't wait for things to "play out naturally". That's when I knew I would be dying by my own hands.

 

[GinaIsReady]

For me it was just today. I've known intellectually for some time, but something on a different level kicked-in today - let's call it Survivor's Instinct. I was reading something in another thread about a woman who abandoned her SN attempt because of her SI and it just triggered me. I shook all day. I have oxycodone I was considering using for my SN suicide in lieu of benzo's and thought to myself, 'what a fantastic time to test this.' So I ate one pill and it changed my mood enough so that I know I'll be using it when I conduct my exit.

 

[underpeachtrees]

It was about a couple weeks ago for me. I had such a bad January that I finally splurged and bought SN- and it's been sitting in my closet this whole time. All I have to do now is get a prescription for an antiemetic. I literally spent last weekend just crying as I clutched my bottle of SN (it definitely wasn't one of my finer moments).

 

[one4all]

The moment i found out my life will never be the same.

 

[S1mpleme]

When I got SN.

 

[ArthurDent]

After losing the woman of my dreams due to the cptsd caused by all the abuse I've been through (child and adult)

I've thought about it for ages but this is the first time in my life where I wake up thinking about it every day.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

When i had a consultation with a craniofacial surgeon who tried to convince me that my deformity wasnt too bad. I realized he said this because he couldnt fix it.. becauze it is pretty bad. Came home took a whole bunch of amitriptyline but didnt had enough to kill myself had a bad trip on it for 2 days. I really wished i had just a normal life. I have been broken hearted, lost my job, i have been abused as a child, i have been bullied and lived on the streets for 2 years. But those things dont come even close to the pain of having a skull deformity. It makes me sad and angry at the same time.

 

[drake4871]

I knew I was ready to CTB when I broke up with my gf and grabbed my supplies

 

[escapefromabuse]

When I got my SN. When I realized all my hope was gone. When I picked a date.

 

[issyishere]

I guess when I began actively gathering the materials. Sometimes the concept of actually going through with it feels very foreign to me. Like a concept I can't grasp right away. That alone tells me I'm still clinging on to some hope that one day I'll be better. As for now I'm mostly passively suicidal. I'm just waiting for the wind to blow hard enough and push me off the edge.

 

[Drakkamora]

For me, it was when I found out my then-wife didn't actually love me but wanted to utilize the benefits of being married to me. At that point I lost all fears of death and the unknown. To this day I still don't fear ctb or what may be afterwards...

 

[WorthlessTrash]

When i realized i couldnt cope with not being cis female and having their pretty and feminine privilage.

 

[leeloosnow]

prolly bout 7yrs ago. aide from that i'd say ctb was a one night stand, but now i want it all the time, it only is worse.

 

[lionetta12]

I tested my sn on some blood tonight and for some reason seeing how fast the color changed was my "this is it, it's really happening" moment. When was yours? Have you had it yet? If not when do you think it'll hit you?

June 2022.

 

[zrjrzj_no_hope]

When I realized my depression will just cycle through, even if it gets a little bit better it would still plummet in the future.