When depression catches you again after years of being "fine"

[ignominia]

I was in a good mental place for like 5 years (even I had a hiatus here) and I relapse in this horrible depression and suicidal thoughts since the past month. 5 years ago I felt lonely, a failure in university and in life in general; now I even have a bf, people perceive me as an extroverted person, I'm in the process to enter to a masters degree in art history (broke, unemployed and that is my plan for keep me away from the insufferable art/work world in my country) but I hate me, I hate the world, politics, society in general, the fucking system.
Idk, I thought that depression was behind me, I was doing well in life, but no, depression can catch you no matter how well you think you are. It's awful to start feeling like this again

Have you ever felt like this?

 

[SMmetalhead36]

If you don't mind me asking, were you trying to sweep it under the rug as if It didn't exist?

 

[ignominia]

If you don't mind me asking, were you trying to sweep it under the rug as if It didn't exist?

Kinda. I was hyper focus into other things, and at the same time i felt numb and I didn't reach the obscure place in my head. When I had bad thoughts I just attributed to my premenstrual syndrome.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Gotcha. It sounds like you never dealt with it and that's the worse. I used to do that to cope. When I would drink heavy that was my way of coping in silence, when I stopped for a while, it was food and my achievements, then it was a relapse of alcohol and drugs. Now it's piercings, tattoos, writing, and sometimes self harm.