Venting Whats your story?

[cheese.out]

Feel free to write about your story in this thread. What happend to you that made you the person you are right now - which event in your life kicked your ass and what was the happiest moment in your life. And most importantly: how are you doing right now. Are your currently thinking about ctb or maybe already tried it?

No judgement and ofcourse only post stuff you feel comfortable with❤

Peace and love

 

[strawberrynymph]

This is very kind of you I don't think I became depressed until I was about 15. During this time my life at home was rough, I had no social life, and no friends. I turned to cutting to relieve stress and over time I eventually became suicidal. A few years forward and I'm still dealing with depression and suicidal tendencies. I haven't felt true happiness in a while and I can't even remember one good memory. I've had a few attempts to CTB but none worked. I've been suicidal this past month so I think I'll try to plan my suicide in the next few weeks ^^

 

[020x]

2 months ago, I randomly got a panic attack for no reason. So because of the stress of getting it again, I've developed panic disorder (cycle of attacks coming back) and my doctor prescribed xanax daily to prevent panic attacks from coming back. They've helped. In fact, it's the only thing that's helping unfortunately.

It's not curable just like most mental illnesses, you gotta live in the cycle and accept it, no other option. I've done lots of research and read other people's experiences on forums and I just know that that absolutely no one healed from it, they just learned to cope with it better, but it still bothers them deep inside.

So that's why I became suicidal and ended up in this site. I'm not a pessimist, it's not like I only see negative sides of things. No. I just know what's happening here and don't want to be a clown thrown here and there.

 

[cheese.out]

2 months ago, I randomly got a panic attack for no reason. So because of the stress of getting it again, I've developed panic disorder (cycle of attacks coming back) and my doctor prescribed xanax daily to prevent panic attacks from coming back. They've helped. In fact, it's the only thing that's helping unfortunately.

It's not curable just like most mental illnesses, you gotta live in the cycle and accept it, no other option. I've done lots of research and read other people's experiences on forums and I just know that that absolutely no one healed from it, they just learned to cope with it better, but it still bothers them deep inside.

So that's why I became suicidal and ended up in this site. I'm not a pessimist, it's not like I only see negative sides of things. No. I just know what's happening here and don't want to be a clown thrown here and there.

Yea I had my first panic attack with maybe 10 yo and it got very bad overtime and as u said it wont go away, you can just cope with it. For me the coping kinda works but if i have a panic attack that i cant control then all shit breaks loose

 

[Alltheywanted]

I became suicidal prolly because I was afraid of telling my real feeling to others.
No wonder why. Always when I'd tell anybody about my problems they'd just laugh at
me. When i was betwen 6 and 14 years old i had a problem with pronauncing the letter "R".
Whenever i had to say a words with that letter everybody'd just make fun of me so i just
stopped talking at all and I'd only do it when it is neccesarry. Now that i have no problem
with the letter "R" I still open my mouth only when I absolutely have to.

The event that kicked my ass and started everything was when my mother told me that
she doens't want such a son. I was very attached to her back then and those words made
me suffer a lot. All because i was a child and i was acting childish. Now I doubt she
even remembers it. Because of that I started losing feelings for her and now our relation
is all about her trying not to let me ctb.

The happiest moment of my life was actually 2 days ago when i was playing some music with
a guy who i met about a week ago. He has similar problems to mine, he also cuts himself,
he has depression just like me, and the most important he's just as weird as me so i can act
natural next to him. I'm a young guitarist and he's a singer. We are planning to make a band
and be famus some day. Atp it's the only hope in my life but at the same time im very tired
of this shit. If we don't achieve anything in this year I'm just gonna ctb. I still have
to chose my method. For now my preference is SN because here in Poland it is very easily
available. I also thought about drowning myself and the Night-night method. You can wish me
luck with w/e is gonna happen with me.

thank you for creating this thread, this is first time when i vent on this site. <3

 

[cheese.out]

I became suicidal prolly because I was afraid of telling my real feeling to others.
No wonder why. Always when I'd tell anybody about my problems they'd just laugh at
me. When i was betwen 6 and 14 years old i had a problem with pronauncing the letter "R".
Whenever i had to say a words with that letter everybody'd just make fun of me so i just
stopped talking at all and I'd only do it when it is neccesarry. Now that i have no problem
with the letter "R" I still open my mouth only when I absolutely have to.

The event that kicked my ass and started everything was when my mother told me that
she doens't want such a son. I was very attached to her back then and those words made
me suffer a lot. All because i was a child and i was acting childish. Now I doubt she
even remembers it. Because of that I started losing feelings for her and now our relation
is all about her trying not to let me ctb.

The happiest moment of my life was actually 2 days ago when i was playing some music with
a guy who i met about a week ago. He has similar problems to mine, he also cuts himself,
he has depression just like me, and the most important he's just as weird as me so i can act
natural next to him. I'm a young guitarist and he's a singer. We are planning to make a band
and be famus some day. Atp it's the only hope in my life but at the same time im very tired
of this shit. If we don't achieve anything in this year I'm just gonna ctb. I still have
to chose my method. For now my preference is SN because here in Poland it is very easily
available. I also thought about drowning myself and the Night-night method. You can wish me
luck with w/e is gonna happen with me.

thank you for creating this thread, this is first time when i vent on this site. <3

Thank you for sharing❤
Very happy to see you found a special friend and something to look forward to.
Hope everything goes as planned for your

 

[thatlatealready]

My mother tried to kill herself in front of me when I was 3 or 4 years old. Time is fuzzy.

I think I was the one who found her. We'd been out somewhere and I'd got Mcdonald's. We were pulled over, they had her drive home. The nice policeman asked me about the toy in my happy meal while the other one berated my mum.

My neighbour came over because she saw the police had been harassing my mum. It was something to do with car insurance. I was too young to know.

She went upstairs and took an overdose. I can't remember if it was me or my neighbour who called the ambulance. I was a smart kid - it could have been me, but I can't recall the details.

I can still see the paramedics standing in the bedroom. They took her away. My dad worked abroad at that point, so my aunt and uncle came to get me.

My neighbour and I played with my sylvanian families while we waited for them to arrive. I loved those little creatures. I liked setting up all of the tiny little houses exactly as they were pictured on the box. I'd spend hours doing it; I rarely ever actually played with them.

I remember my uncle's land-rover, finding strawberry laces hidden behind the bed in their house, and sleeping on sofa cushions on the floor. I loved my aunt very much, she was kind to me. She had problems with addiction. My uncle has a new wife now.

I hated myself for years afterwards and had nightmares for most of my childhood. That could have been caused by the other abuse though, who knows. Many things happened to me that no child should have to experience.

Out of everything that happened, I repressed the suicide attempt. I don't think my brain could cope with it. For years I just pretended my mother had been sick. I couldn't explain the constant intrusive thoughts about suicide, or why I always wanted to die. It's just how it was, until one day it came rushing back.

There's more to my life story, but frankly it's best if I don't open it up. That particular incident is just on my mind lately due to a friend being hospitalised for mental health issues earlier this week. I want to reach out to his girlfriend who I know will be struggling, and I want to make sure they're both okay and ask if there's anything at all I can do but I simply don't know if I can really cope with being involved.

The happiest moment of my life would probably be climbing the sea cliffs at the place I went on holiday as a child. I love the sea and I like being up high. It was dangerous and I definitely wasn't supposed to climb them, but it was worth it.

Right now I am thinking of CTB more than usual. I have my expiry date picked out and I've promised myself I'm not going to act on it till then, so I'm just distracting myself until the thoughts move back down to an ignorable point. I've attempted many times in the past. I've truly set my heart on the next one being successful.

Peace and love to you too.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I've never tried to attempt ctb as after all we exist in this world where we are denied access to straightforward and guaranteed methods, suicide is purposely and cruelly made so inaccessible for people. But I'm just an existing being enduring an meaningless and futile existence dreaming of eternal sleep, I'm not meant for existing nor do I see it as being something desirable in any way. There's no "happiness" in existing, everything just leads to suffering, existing is something so burdensome, existence itself is what I would see as being the ultimate problem, I could never wish to decay from age and suffer in the process.

 

[huggingallthetrees]

Feel free to write about your story in this thread. What happend to you that made you the person you are right now - which event in your life kicked your ass and what was the happiest moment in your life. And most importantly: how are you doing right now. Are your currently thinking about ctb or maybe already tried it?

No judgement and ofcourse only post stuff you feel comfortable with❤

Peace and love

I've had cancer 7 times. I mean.. that's just scratching the surface. But isn't that enough?

 

[ringo99]

I realized I wanted to ctb when I turned 27. My toxic family (except mom), inability and lack of willingness to form lasting relationships, absorb new information and skills and find happiness even in simple things like good food, travel and music meant that I was destined for a life of acute depression, degrading mental and physical health, homelessness, poverty and loneliness. There's nothing in my future but a black hole of despair. I would toy with ridiculous ideas like breaking into a police station in a small town, stealing a gun and ending myself since gun ownership here is restricted to the corrupt and one percenters. Hanging and jumping terrify me. Ending up crippled or a braindead vegetable from a failed attempt is a fate infinitely worse than death imo.

Thankfully SS put me on to SN which seems like the most comfortable method to ctb given my current circumstances. Got more than enough to ctb a couple of months back. Stan's guide is very helpful in formulating the way that causes the least amount of discomfort. I'm planning on doing it next year. Have a few things to take care of first.

 

[Professor K]

Where to even begin.
One thing I 'hate' about myself is that I don't recall ever being awfully abused as a child, my family wasn't perfect but they were still very caring.
Yet somehow, here I am.

As a kid I've always felt wrong and detached from my body, people my age, my family and this world.
I remember imagining that my bedroom was MY world, MY truth, a paradise of which that once I'd open the door and set one foot outside of it, I'd basically be in 'hell' and had to act and force myself into being unatural (yes, even in front of my family members).
Life wasn't too demanding as a child outside of that.

The more I aged and the harder it got to dissimulate myself and my flaws.
It felt like an immense effort to try to fit in and do basic things whereas it seemed natural for everybody else.
It was then, in middle school that I sort of exploded.
I isolated completely and developped many visible 'mental illnesses' such as emetophobia and severe anorexia which really made it worse for me socially, physically etc.
Long story short if got worse from then and started attempting ever since middle school.

In spite of the permanent health complications of almost a decade of anorexia and repeated years of school, I sought help.
After years of therapy, hospital, efforts and 'positivity', things worked and I got better physically and mentally, in the sense that I was(still am) at a normal weight now and my body is functioning normally, I am not overly anxious and have irrationnal fears, I sleep well, can go out by myself, work out, have a friend etc...

But so was I as a kid and still wasn't well... I still feel so detached from my body, people my age, my own family, this world...
Feels I only recovered from the middle school 'explosion' which did not solve the root issue of what caused it in the first place.
I don't get anything when it comes to what's right or wrong. For instance my mom gets offended when I call my family ''people" or with anything that creates a sense of distance but that's how I truly feel.

I can't handle the city, jobs, the life that's been structured for us. I can't fit in these expectations and I still try today. I do all the things which are said to work, try to delude myself into those youtube/psych inspirational videos/treatments, read pro life philosophy books and about how to be successful: 48 laws of power, how to have friends and influence people, 5 language of love, nietzsche and so on...

My awareness remains, I can't be deluded for very long, the flaws eventually retun and the mood remains the same.

I wasn't made to live.

 

[cheese.out]

Where to even begin.
One thing I 'hate' about myself is that I don't recall ever being awfully abused as a child, my family wasn't perfect but they were still very caring.
Yet somehow, here I am.

As a kid I've always felt wrong and detached from my body, people my age, my family and this world.
I remember imagining that my bedroom was MY world, MY truth, a paradise of which that once I'd open the door and set one foot outside of it, I'd basically be in 'hell' and had to act and force myself into being unatural (yes, even in front of my family members).
Life wasn't too demanding as a child outside of that.

The more I aged and the harder it got to dissimulate myself and my flaws.
It felt like an immense effort to try to fit in and do basic things whereas it seemed natural for everybody else.
It was then, in middle school that I sort of exploded.
I isolated completely and developped many visible 'mental illnesses' such as emetophobia and severe anorexia which really made it worse for me socially, physically etc.
Long story short if got worse from then and started attempting ever since middle school.

In spite of the permanent health complications of almost a decade of anorexia and repeated years of school, I sought help.
After years of therapy, hospital, efforts and 'positivity', things worked and I got better physically and mentally, in the sense that I was(still am) at a normal weight now and my body is functioning normally, I am not overly anxious and have irrationnal fears, I sleep well, can go out by myself, work out, have a friend etc...

But so was I as a kid and still wasn't well... I still feel so detached from my body, people my age, my own family, this world...
Feels I only recovered from the middle school 'explosion' which did not solve the root issue of what caused it in the first place.
I don't get anything when it comes to what's right or wrong. For instance my mom gets offended when I call my family ''people" or with anything that creates a sense of distance but that's how I truly feel.

I can't handle the city, jobs, the life that's been structured for us. I can't fit in these expectations and I still try today. I do all the things which are said to work, try to delude myself into those youtube/psych inspirational videos/treatments, read pro life philosophy books and about how to be successful: 48 laws of power, how to have friends and influence people, 5 language of love, nietzsche and so on...

My awareness remains, I can't be deluded for very long, the flaws eventually retun and the mood remains the same.

I wasn't made to live.

Thanks for sharing! Its amazing to see how you fight against your depression - it truly proves your strengh.

But i can relate that at some point it makes one really tired

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

Feel free to write about your story in this thread. What happend to you that made you the person you are right now - which event in your life kicked your ass and what was the happiest moment in your life. And most importantly: how are you doing right now. Are your currently thinking about ctb or maybe already tried it?

No judgement and ofcourse only post stuff you feel comfortable with❤

Peace and love

In first grade was going through family stuff and I would imagine myself drinking a bottle of liquor as my dad would drink to cope.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I've had cancer 7 times. I mean.. that's just scratching the surface. But isn't that enough?

7 times? Like skin cancer? I am really sorry to hear that.

I was the victim of crimes while in medical school by the university itself. Forced out illegitimately. Left with tremendous debt and little to no good job prospects. I have 0 friends and help has been non-existent. Spent virtually my entire adult life studying to take care of others in their time of need, in my no one was there for me.

It is really hard to pick a good time as middle school was rough and in high school I survived by being a loner essentially, telling myself someday it will get better. College was busy as hell. Best part was looking towards the future. After college before medical school I didn't have many friends but I had a job I enjoyed as medical scribe predominately at an oncology clinic mainly because it gave me future opportunities and I enjoyed the people I worked with. I am at the point now where those future opportunities and that it will get better mantra should be happening and it's not. That better future was stolen. Instead I have been uniformly rejected by people and "family". Future is bleak. Everyone basically just says be happy living in poverty! Forget the fact you should be a doctor right now! Just be happy! How am I doing? I have said it before and said it again. I am waiting. Maybe I will get help or I won't it will decide my fate.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

My story is just one of a, to borrow a term from a former "acquaintance" here on SaSu, poorly mismanaged life. I had a lot of potential and squandered it all for a variety of reasons. Now it's simply too late to fix anything, and I haven't the will, or energy, to do it anyway. I find myself completely alone and looking ahead, based on what I've seen first-hand from so many other's lives that I've been a part of, I see a lot of misery, disease, and anguish that I'd rather not take part in as I age further, especially all alone, so I choose to get out while the getting is good, so to speak.

 

[brainwormz]

2 months ago, I randomly got a panic attack for no reason. So because of the stress of getting it again, I've developed panic disorder (cycle of attacks coming back) and my doctor prescribed xanax daily to prevent panic attacks from coming back. They've helped. In fact, it's the only thing that's helping unfortunately.

It's not curable just like most mental illnesses, you gotta live in the cycle and accept it, no other option. I've done lots of research and read other people's experiences on forums and I just know that that absolutely no one healed from it, they just learned to cope with it better, but it still bothers them deep inside.

So that's why I became suicidal and ended up in this site. I'm not a pessimist, it's not like I only see negative sides of things. No. I just know what's happening here and don't want to be a clown thrown here and there.

Very relatable. back in 2016. My life is going pretty good. I had a job I was making $40 an hour. I was planning to do a road trip up to New York from Las Vegas where I lived to see Schäffer the Darklord in concert. There I am in the In-N-Out parking lot eating my double double animal style of course and out of nowhere I start having the most intense panic attack. You can imagine. I had no idea what was going on. I just felt awful. I knew I needed to get somewhere safe so I decided to drive home and hairy I'm doing 110 down the freeway with nothing but an uncontrollable urge to jump out of my vehicle the entire time . The next few months were miserable. I was in and out of the urgent care multiple times a week. Nobody was taking me seriously and eventually somebody prescribed me an antianxiety medication. I think it was buspirone hydrochloride. It worked minimally, but the psychosis I was experiencing at that time was intense . it got to the point where between the psychosis and panic attacks I couldn't sleep. Which only made the psychosis worse. within the span of a month I went to the ER twice for my symptoms each time they injected me with Ativan and Benadryl and sent me home. Eventually, I was prescribed Ativan for sleeping and the maximum allowable dosage of buspirone hydrochloride. I was at least able to partially function after that. I was getting through college with nearly straight A's.

eventually, I moved where I live now, and I wound up in a psych ward after a traumatic experience involving someone claiming to be law-enforcement, while I was homeless. And one of the people I met in the psych ward(my ex(v)) who listened to me talk about what I had experienced and stuff and suggested that I might be schizophrenic. I do know from one of my ER trips that, after taking an antipsychotic they had given me I felt the most clearheaded I've ever felt in my life. So I talked to my psychiatrist in the psych ward about it and we decided to try a couple different antipsychotics, which is why I was in there for over a month. wound up taking Zyprexa and now I am pretty OK. I mean I still wanna ctb, but my head's a lot clearer most of the time. I no longer suffer from constant panic attacks, except when I run out of my Zyprexa. So who knows if schizophrenia is the right diagnosis but the medicine sure fucking works .

for the rest of my story, it's really just been a shit show. In college in 2019, I was a straight a student with a 3.9 GPA because of some stupid English class that dropped my grade even though that's one of my best subjects. I just had a real mean professor. then I fell in love with a trans girl(robin) that I had met in the LGBT club. We had an extremely toxic " relationship". Like really toxic. And eventually because of that, I was failing college. My GPA dropped to 2.7. At some point after that, I may another one of my exes(eve) who lived in Seattle. They ran a NSFW furry server on discord, and had recently broken up with the love of their life and now that person is my best friend. My relationship with eve was great at first. But they are also an extremely toxic person. Turns out I have a type. when that relationship ended, it ended really really bad. And because of that, I basically failed out of college. So now I have half a computer science and fine arts degree. Really it's just been a tale of love and loss and not knowing how to deal with these extremely intense emotions while going through second puberty, because I am trans and have been transitioning. on black market hormones since I met Robin in 2019. She is actually the person who got me on hormones in the first place. Gave me my first dose of HRT in the second-floor bathroom of the student union. And then a year supply of cyproterone acetate and estradiol enanthate to get me through the year.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

Since a young age, I had an abusive father. He would hit me, my brother and my mom. When I was seven, my grand father sexually harassed me, tho I was only once, later when I was ten and finally understood what it meant, I felt like throwing up. Around that time, my dad confessed to cheating on my mom, and they filed for a divorced. My mom became depressed and i had to listen to her talking about how hard her life is and such for around an hour or 30 mins a day for around two years. Because our financial condition is a bit rough, we still can't move out of the house and the tension in the house is bad, even though they don't actively hit each other. Now, I have weird feelings and urges such as wanting to kill someone for no reason.

 

[UKscotty]

Everyone hates posts more than a paragraph or two, so I will skip over loads of bits and pull out key highlights.

Childhood was good, abuse free, school was good, plenty of friends and did well. Adult life was good and I have a good Jon, high salary etc. However, for the past 30 years I have always felt life is so pointless and meaningless and I am only here to slave away for capitalism.

 

[FindingHome]

My story is too long to write. One goal I have is to write my story before I CTB. But basically I have had a life time of trauma and am constantly in torment and torture. I struggle with a lot of flashbacks, and I am constantly reliving them. When I experience them they take over me and completely change me. When I CTB I will no longer have to go through this and will find the peace I am looking for. Trauma doesn't go away and time doesn't heal wounds as they claim. It really is a lifetime of hell to live like this. It's like there is no end in sight.

 

[KowakuNaiNeko]

Always been fairly smart and absolutely not industrious. Always been rather depression prone and desire to not exist too.

Did poorly in University. Decided to stop after 2 years and join the military instead. Worked on a submarine for 4 years. Decided that I would absolutely not go on another one. Eventually got near the end of my service contract and my thinking went something like-
reenlist?- absolutely no.
reenlist contingent on changing jobs?- also no
go back to university?- no. I would probably fail again and I have a bad opinion of them in general.
So... what job do I want to do?- nothing
but aren't there things in life that I want to do- sure but I don't want to put in the effort required to do them
retire, burn most of my savings, and then ctb?- yep

So for a year or so when people would ask me what I wanted to do when I got out I would tell them "retire" and when they pointed out that I don't have a pension or enough savings to live on I would joke about cats not having very long life spans. If they pressed me I would lie and say that I'm going to go to university for cybersecurity.

Moved to a town where I don't know anyone. Only stay in touch with a couple friends on discord for my own sanity. Plan to delete most of my social media before I go so hopefully a lot of people never find out. Now I'm a professional hikikomori NEET. It's been about 3 years since I put this plan in motion and I have about 30% of my funds left. I hate lying about it but luckily the few IRL friends that I stayed in contact with don't pry very often.

I went on one trip to Japan with a friend during my retirement but my damn hiki-NEET body couldn't handle the standing and walking around.

 

[TapeMachine]

My brain is an inept piece of shit, and I'm too exhausted to try to tame it these days.

Medication helps, but the hoops I have to jump through on a monthly basis to acquire the meds is just...not worth it any longer.

Plus, lots of abuse, trauma, etc throughout my 38 years of life. SA when I was 5 yrs old. In adulthood: addiction, domestic abuse, eating disorder, and so on.

 

[fearandloathing183]

I've been anxious since I was little, like ever since I could remember. Little things would just get to me so much. I was always seen as "weird" so I was singled out by both other kids and teachers. Even my parents told me I was "unlikeable" when I was 15. I love performing and singing and I want to pursue it but my experiences of being shut down every time I try to put myself out there makes it hard to do anything.
Sometimes I think I'm a monster too, like I've hurt people horribly. I don't know if any of my actions have hurt anyone, but I can't stop wondering if they have. Everyone sees me as this like really sweet innocent girl too so it makes me feel like a liar. I don't want to hurt people but I've done so many stupid and selfish things.
I've always felt like something was missing and I've done everything I can think of to find it, but I don't think it really exists. College was disappointing (even if i still find myself missing it), and I recently moved to my dream city but my entire life is now consumed with the fear that my life will fall apart. Like I'm too anxious to enjoy anything. I'm scared that I'll always be unhappy and I'll never know peace or happiness. The only thing I can think of that would bring me peace is death. The knowledge that I may not be here for that much longer for whatever reason makes me feel calmer. And it feels stupid, you know? Like I hate my job but my life isn't that bad. I don't know. Something inside me just can't let me catch a fucking break and I want it to stop.

 

[Sad Avocado]

Feel free to write about your story in this thread. What happend to you that made you the person you are right now - which event in your life kicked your ass and what was the happiest moment in your life. And most importantly: how are you doing right now. Are your currently thinking about ctb or maybe already tried it?

No judgement and ofcourse only post stuff you feel comfortable with❤

Peace and love

So i think its too long to write it here but I made a thread about this some time ago. If you want to read it the link is here:

What did you make consider ctb?

I'm feeling really strange about this. First of all I am feeling relief because I can finally tell my story and how I fell without being judged but at the same time I feel ridicolous after seeing the reasons other people want to commit CTB on this website. So I'm 19 and my story begun like 5...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[undulator]

Feel free to write about your story in this thread. What happend to you that made you the person you are right now - which event in your life kicked your ass and what was the happiest moment in your life. And most importantly: how are you doing right now. Are your currently thinking about ctb or maybe already tried it?

No judgement and ofcourse only post stuff you feel comfortable with❤

Peace and love

I am a former musician, drinker and pothead. But all that is over. I had a stroke and brain aneurysm in 2019 but lived. My life has been nightmarish and done downhill since then.

I developed chronic 24/7 Tinnitus in 09/19..my ears shrill constantly....I had just sort of rehabilitated until last Monday i suffered another random acoustic trauma in my left ear, confirmed by an ent. The Tinnitus is shrill and unbearable now. I cannot listen to music at All and sounds are painful. A whistle on a game on TV is extremely painful. I probably hear 8-10 different times between my two ears. I sleep about 3-4 hours before Valium wears off.

I was diagnosed and have progressive cidp in 20. Ivig treatment failed and none exists for me. My legs are becoming numb and it's extremely painful. I will be immobilized eventually.

I attempted church and finding something that way but have found no solace and I cannot even endure a service anyway with my ears.

The last two ltr I was in were Narcissist...and I was used m, cheated on and dumped last spring. I have been heartbroken and alone ever since while the other person is as happy as can be with me gone.

People in my life are shallow and promise an ear but become annoyed quickly and a "friend" earlier today hurt me deeply with a mean comment back on text after I told them I was suffering badly from Tinnitus, cidp and bipolar. I may be schizophrenic.

I am an academic and am a very good writer but the Tinnitus has destroyed my ability to concentrate

I am allergic to all animals and pets severely and this not only makes me isolated but ppl think I am evil because I dislike dogs. No...I'm just totally allergic. Cats are worse.

Weed is illegal where I live and I am on chemo and biological meds for psoriatic illness.

Weed used to help me cope but I can't smoke it anymore as I get immediate painful infection in my ears , worsening my Tinnitus

I have left social media and upon returning and asking to be friends again most say they were not aware I was gone.

I could go on, but I'm isolated and bipolar and the only thing I can do is play an online game I like constantly, like a job.

Ctb is always on my mind 24/7. Drugs would be ideal. I enjoy opioids but have no clue where to get them or decent edibles. Synthetic Delta 8 seems to make me psychotic. I do want to hurt myself. I don't want to hurt others but I have thought about it especially ppl connected to my ex.

I don't want to ctb anywhere near my home or living few relatives. I would have to do significant planning but I have given up on the idea that I will ever be happy in this life.

I do not have children so no one depends on me in any way.

I am tired fortunately.that is the best part of my day. I am currently intentionally taking acetomenophine at will. Can't drink on chemo cause I just puke it up. .


My "friends* are cruel , evil people and I have finally given up and will not communicate with them.

Not sure what else to say right now but I will check back. I have severe memory loss and issues from cidp and forget what I do And may forget I wrote this. I have bipolar, panic attack, major depression, and probably schizophrenia but I can't take meds because they all flare up my hands and feet. I also had to stop GABA for this reason so there is nothing to help my nerve pain, which can only get worse.

My back really hurts so I need to lay down but thank you for reading and I will check back.

Undulator