Discussion What's your story for wanting to ctb (Summarized in just 3 sentences or bulletin points)?

[KiraX]

• Cant get a job, don't qualify for ssi
• Crippled and in pain a lot
• Don't have a place of my own, forced to live in someone else's house in a state I don't want to be in.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

1. Mentally ill.
2. Getting older.
3. Undeserving.

I'm a decent to normal looking guy. I'm just a mental loser. I haven't had any real relationship since I was a teenager.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

- Feel like society has gone down the drain
- Autistic
- Lost a shitload of money in the stock market and helping "friends"

 

[AerialBoundaries]

• Cant get a job, don't qualify for ssi
• Crippled and in pain a lot
• Don't have a place of my own, forced to live in someone else's house in a state I don't want to be in.

I'm virtually unemployable too, friend and I lived with my folks way longer than I should have, until I eventually moved out.

There should be no demonising for this.

- Feel like society has gone down the drain
- Autistic
- Lost a shitload of money in the stock market and helping "friends"

I'm on the spectrum, too. Never even found out until I was 22, either. It got hid from me my whole life. I wish I never knew. Ruined my life.

 

[sserafim]

Parents divorced and then my dad remarried to a weirdo who injected her weirdoness to my blood and convinced him to send me to crappy boarding school. This led me to social suicide and struggle to get girlfriend over the years. When I was working for this company and it seemed like I cached my break and was gonna make a big splash, they stole the work from me and torment me in addition.

1. Neurodivergence (Asperger's/autism, ADHD, and social anxiety) makes it seem like I'm not fit or meant to be in this world. I honestly feel like an alien and that I'm on the wrong planet.
2. Failure to launch/no future: I failed to launch after college but honestly I never even wanted to launch anyways. I never want to enter the workforce or working world. I'm a shut-in/hiki and my parents think that I'm a failure and disappointment. I also don't see a future for myself, nor do I want one.
3. Adulthood and getting old. I never wanted to be an adult or live out this stage of my life anyways. I always thought that I would've died before I reached 18 but sadly I didn't. I hate adulthood and life under capitalism. The thought of having to work for 50 years actively makes me suicidal. I would hate to have to work for and earn a living and have to pay for the various costs of existence. Adulthood is all about making money to survive and I just think that being chained to a job would be so meaningless and unfulfilling. I also don't think that I'm fit or meant to be an adult, I honestly never saw or envisioned myself becoming one. I also don't see the point in fighting, struggling or entering the capitalist rat race when you're going to die anyways. It makes no sense to me. Life is just a meaningless struggle. The thought of getting old terrifies me, I'd hate to grow old. I honestly see nothing good or beneficial about adulthood, middle age or old age. These are just stages of my life that I don't want to live. I'm planning to ctb before 25 to escape them.

 

[Moniker]

1. Nothing to really look forward to in life
2. Abused a lot as a kid - as a result it's been a struggle to interact with people without being terrified.
3. I've realized that intentionally suppressing my mental problems has only exacerbated them and I think I'm broken beyond repair.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I'm virtually unemployable too, friend and I lived with my folks way longer than I should have, until I eventually moved out.

There should be no demonising for this.

I'm on the spectrum, too. Never even found out until I was 22, either. It got hid from me my whole life. I wish I never knew. Ruined my life.

I feel ya. I am 44 and just recently found out too. It shook me to the core. Knowing that the constant struggles it causes will never go away, has made me give up.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I feel ya. I am 44 and just recently found out too. It shook me to the core. Knowing that the constant struggles it causes will never go away, has made me give up.

My friend, it's a pain that very few can ever relate to. I wish I'd known as a kid. Discovering as an adult, is a death sentence.

 

[sserafim]

I feel ya. I am 44 and just recently found out too. It shook me to the core. Knowing that the constant struggles it causes will never go away, has made me give up.

I was diagnosed at 15 but I've had signs and symptoms for my whole life, ever since childhood. It causes me so much misery and gives so many struggles. I wish this condition never existed in the first place. It's a life-long curse.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It never remotely crossed my mind that I could have it. Then my sister had an autistic kid and often accidentally call him by my name because my behavior as a child was so similar to his. That prompted me to get an official diagnosis, which was the final stamp on my will to live.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I was diagnosed at 16 but I've had signs and symptoms for my whole life, ever since childhood. It causes me so much misery and gives so many struggles. I wish this condition never existed in the first place. It's a life-long curse.

It's a blessing and a curse at the same time, man. Would I have the interests I do now, or be the empathic person I am now? It's hard to say. I developed a lot of niche interests and such, particularly with guitar.

It's definitely ruined me, from a social aspect, though.

 

[Kobusu]

Hmmm probably lifelong ideation, major depression, and BPD. Just many things truthfully that tend to culminate in stuff like this

 

[sserafim]

It's a blessing and a curse at the same time, man. Would I have the interests I do now, or be the empathic person I am now? It's hard to say. I developed a lot of niche interests and such, particularly with guitar.

It's definitely ruined me, from a social aspect, though.

Honestly I don't see how it could be a blessing at all in my case. I have ADHD as well and the executive dysfunction I get from these two conditions is so severe. The social aspect is terrible, it's so hard to talk to and interact with others. I never know what to say, and I can't read body language or social cues. I always make social blunders and I'm kind of challenged in the social realm. Nobody knows this though until they start talking to me. I look normal on the outside, but people realize that I'm a little weird. I think that neurotypicals just sense that something is different about me. I always feel like I'm just playing a part and acting and imitating others. It doesn't come naturally, it'll always be second nature to me. I wish it did though, it would make my life so much easier.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Yeah, I get that. "I'm not like them, but I can pretend". I just wish I found out earlier in life. My whole life, my issues at school, behaviour shit. They should've told me. I don't see myself being on the spectrum, as a curse, btw. We're different in our own way. Own intelligent way.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Parents divorced and then my dad remarried to a weirdo who injected her weirdoness to my blood and convinced him to send me to crappy boarding school

Makes me think back to when my dad also remarried to a weirdo after divorcing my mom. The woman was completely unhinged. For example, once, while we were walking to a nearby barbershop to get my brothers hair done, she threatened to get the barber to shave off all my hair. It came completely out of nowhere. At first, I thought it was a joke, but once we got there she immediately went up to the lady by the front desk and told her that she wanted them to shave off all my hair. After crying and begging her not to, she then said some shit along the lines of "are you now going to start taking care of your hair".

This incident happened back when I was around 10 or 11, when I was only just learning to take care of my hair (I'm part black and my hair is long and very thick, making it hard to comb through and very susceptible to tangling). Around two to three years later, she would even straight up claimed that I couldn't be expected to know how to take care of my hair.

I still have no clue why she did that, especially since she was aware of the fact that my mom used to give me licks whenever she did my hair back when I was younger and she used to make a big fuss about how wrong it was (which is hypocritical of her since she does the same to my brother).

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. I have a bunch of caffefine flowing through my veins right now and my thoughts are racing.

 

[BackpackBones]

I'm afraid I'll keep ruining everything I touch. I don't have many things left to live for. And I'm almost tired of trying to find solutions.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I realized that I was lesser than my peers. I have been choking on my own despair for over half a decade, just hoping for my life to come to an end. The reasons for leaving this Earth are far more numerous than my reasons for staying.

 

[LucifersIntrovert]

•College
•Family Issues
•My way of thinking

 

[HollowDrop]

-mental illness seeping from childhood abuse and bullying
-inability to work a job like a normal person
-the depressing state of humankind waging war, death and destruction

 

[Division Day]

Crippling anxiety that makes life difficult at the best of times and unbearable at the worst

Alone

No good reason to believe things will get better rather than even worse

 

[BrknEyes]

Drugged fueled up bringing by parents who won't accept that they are fuck ups who made a fuck up, unmotivated and just always sad or angry.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

1. Constant disappointment and health issues that have every potential to get worse, years of on and off ideation.

2. I see no good reason to have any hope that there will be any version of a future where I will be genuinely content with myself to be here, no longer burdened by the thoughts I have to ctb. Right now, I think I'm just living day to day because I have to, not because I want to. Existence is a cruel game and I no longer want to play, where many lose by simply being here, openly exploited, lied to and even destroyed just because they ended up on the wrong side of the coin.

3. I seriously don't want to be part of this shit show anymore, where greed steals from the weak and powerless and no amount of bargaining to stay in order to gamble the possibility that life will get better because it never will, not as long as other people are making it worse for everyone else.

 

[Oneness]

• I have desires
• I can't choose my desires
• I can't fulfil my desires

I could of course go much more into detail describing my health problems, my mental health problems, my poor economic situation and my relationship issues. But ultimately it all boils down to desire. I desire good health, good mental health, good economic situation and certain kinds of relationships. If I didn't desire these things, maybe I would be happy and satisfied in my current situation. I can't just magically erase my desires, and I'm also unable to fulfil them, so CTB is the only option for me.

Honestly I think I have like a hundred reasons to CTB and maybe one day I'll make a big dedicated post about it.

 

[Neogoloid]

1. I'm really ugly and short, I wish I were handsome and tall so most girls would find me attractive.

2. I'm extremely and irreversibly socially inept due to years of prior bullying and ostracization from my peers. Watching other guys get with all the girls and have lots of friends and go hang out at school while I went home and jerked off in the dark alone.

3. I'm not smart enough and too mentally damaged to pursue anything career wise that I'd actually enjoy. And I prefer not to work a shitty dead end job and lick some manager's boot straps.

 

[slitdown]

Struggled with CSA by the hands of my sick brother. Honestly, I have never recovered from this. Even now as a 31 yo woman. Constantly drowning in the emptiness and feeling deep sadness. The list just rolls on and on.

 

[Odahviing475]

-Anxiety
-Jealousy
-Lack of gratitude
-SA

 

[oofuf]

I feel like there are 3 chains holding me.
Consciousness, my body and the country I live in.
Whenever I try to do something I want to do, I feel these chains holding me in place.
I just want to break free.

 

[doomdoll]

i know deep down the people in my life will be far, far better off without me. i think about ctb everyday, for years, even when things are good, no one should have to live like that. i will never be the person i wanted to be.

 

[ceriseange♡]

I'm just tired. I feel like I'd serve a better purpose in another way or in another form. I just want to rest.

 

[Cress]

I've been thinking about catching the bus since elementary school.

I now have a horrific Neurological medical condition.

I failed at pretty much all of my endeavors in life So far