Ok let's try to make one damn post without crying haha. I have 3 answers for this if you don't mind.
Dream death: Me and the person I love most would just be holding each other. We'd be in the mountains with a beautiful pond at the top. In a beautiful house together. Living ourast days... Our last moments of life together. Just holding each other, snuggling, a kiss. And then he'd hold me tight and I would fall asleep in his arms. And I'd go so peacefully. The reason why I'd want this, is because I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to feel protected, and want to feel an abundance of love. What's better than being in the arms of the one that provides l of those things for me. And I for him. I'd be scared. I would be so sad because I'd never want to leave him., but I'd know I'd see him soon. And he could hold me for eternity. And that's my dream death, because Ive ways wanted to be loved like that.
Fuck I cried again.... I hate being like this.
Past failed plan: I was supposed to ctb on November 7th of this year. My birthday. I was looking forward to it. I completely broke finally. I was so done. I was planning to get an airb&b and spending my bday weekend alone. This was significant for me because I can't go many places alone because of my mental health. So this was gonna be my last hurrah. Doing something I've always wanted to do: have a moment of independence and to live strictly for me. I was gonna get a place by the water. My sister was gonna drop me off. I was going to have all my favorite foods. I had my final meals planned. Since I have eating disorders, this was gonna be the first time in a very very long time I was gonna eat what I wanted, how much I wanted without regret, without shame, without the consequences showing up on my body. I was gonna have all. My favorite candies and munch on them through out the day. I was gonna write poems, songs, maybe make one more song. Play my favorite songs for the last time. Dance all night. Get drunk for the first time. Maybe get high for the first time. I was gonna finally be free. Then I would've went to the tub, filled it with warm water. Light some candles and turn off the lights. Played my final songs playlist. I would've had the songs on repeat so not to worry about not hearing it at the moment of truth. Then I was gonna take a bunch of pills, cut my wrist, and lay in the tub with my stuffed animal bear that I've had since I was born. I'd just fade out while listening to my favorite songs. And as I was fading, I was gonna have a video publish on various social media platforms telling my story, my experiences, my thoughts and my last days before my bday weekend. I'd leave messages for all my loved ones. Had some of the songs I've made on there, some of the poems I've wrote that I Iike. And by the time you got through it, even if you started watching right when it published, I'd be long gone by then... Just fading into black.
But that failed cuz of reasons and I had to cancel that and my bday. So.....yay for that I guess. So mad about this still.
But then I found this site and found a better way to ctb lol.
Realistic way: it changes around alot rn, but rn it's to pack a bag with stuff and travel to a wide open area or go to a place with water. Maybe get a lyft or something. It would be at night regardless. Wherever I'd be I'd just take a moment to look and listen to everything. Turn on my music. Take my SN, pull out my favorite comforter, my pillow, and my stuffed bear. Then I'd lay down. Listening to the sounds of nature and my music collaborating to make a beautiful song. I'd look at a picture of my favorite person in the world one more time and kiss him goodbye. I'd look at the stars one last time and go to sleep snuggled up to my bear, a smile on my face, and to never wake again.
