wildflowers1996
Arcanist
- Oct 14, 2023
- 479
I wish I knew what made me so fundamentally un-worth caring about
I know a big part of it is that I isolate myself because of my BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) and I also believed people didn't like me because I was ugly but I'm just very confused with the BDD about what's real because some people have said nice things about how I look so I don't know if it's that. Either way it's always going to torment me
but I don't know I feel like it's more than that
I try to be a nice person but maybe I'm just too boring/sad to invest time in I don't know
I'm so unbearably lonely
I told my ex best friend how I want to ctb, it's been a week and she hasn't replied to my message. We used to spend every day together for years. She knows how I'm feeling but she doesn't care. I find it so hard to reach out because I feel so annoying and this just confirms this for me
I just want to ctb. There's nothing positive keeping me here. It's only negative things - guilt, and fear.
I don't want to hurt my family.
And I don't want to to to hell. And I know people will tell me I'm irrational for believing in God/hell. But it's so hard to overcome that "what if". I don't think any logical argument is going to change that. The fear is just too deeply entrenched. And I suppose there's a naïve part of me just hoping for a happy ending. That all my suffering hasn't been for nothing and maybe there's actually a God who loves me and want to help me, but I think I'm delusional.
I did try speaking to a therapist about my religious OCD / fear of hell but it didn't help.
I hate feeling like there's a God who punishes/hates me. I'm so tired of feeling like an absolutely awful person, who does everything wrong. I'm so filled with shame and self-hatred
I just want it to end but then I see my mum and I just can't do it to her. So I can't even ctb I just have to suffer endlessly
I know a big part of it is that I isolate myself because of my BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) and I also believed people didn't like me because I was ugly but I'm just very confused with the BDD about what's real because some people have said nice things about how I look so I don't know if it's that. Either way it's always going to torment me
but I don't know I feel like it's more than that
I try to be a nice person but maybe I'm just too boring/sad to invest time in I don't know
I'm so unbearably lonely
I told my ex best friend how I want to ctb, it's been a week and she hasn't replied to my message. We used to spend every day together for years. She knows how I'm feeling but she doesn't care. I find it so hard to reach out because I feel so annoying and this just confirms this for me
I just want to ctb. There's nothing positive keeping me here. It's only negative things - guilt, and fear.
I don't want to hurt my family.
And I don't want to to to hell. And I know people will tell me I'm irrational for believing in God/hell. But it's so hard to overcome that "what if". I don't think any logical argument is going to change that. The fear is just too deeply entrenched. And I suppose there's a naïve part of me just hoping for a happy ending. That all my suffering hasn't been for nothing and maybe there's actually a God who loves me and want to help me, but I think I'm delusional.
I did try speaking to a therapist about my religious OCD / fear of hell but it didn't help.
I hate feeling like there's a God who punishes/hates me. I'm so tired of feeling like an absolutely awful person, who does everything wrong. I'm so filled with shame and self-hatred
I just want it to end but then I see my mum and I just can't do it to her. So I can't even ctb I just have to suffer endlessly
