What's the reason why you want to cbt?

[not_a_robot]

Had a great life. Made a horrible real estate decision. Now I feel life insurance is only way to provide for kids future.

Gosh. Some people get to be President for making horrible real estate decisions.

 

[Cheezmam]

Gosh. Some people get to be President for making horrible real estate decisions.

Everything changed in an instant.

 

[suffering]

Philosophical.

 

[not_a_robot]

Philosophical.

Are you saying you want to ctb for philosophical reasons?

 

[DoesANameEvenMatter]

I lack feelings. I don't know how or when it happened, but I suddenly went from being someone full of emotions to an empty version of myself. I don't feel happy, sad, depressed, angry, guilty, empathetic, etc. I have to fake these things if I want to interact with people/in public. I have tried endless amounts of distractions, I have talked to numerous medical personnel online, done a ton of research but I still cannot find a cure. The state I am in now and have been for the past 9 years is rather pathetic, nothing I do is genuine, everything is faked. The reason I want to die is that although I can force myself to act and then continue to live a life, have kids, be married, rich, successful, etc, I will never appreciate or enjoy those things because I will lack the feelings to do so. Without feelings and emotions, I might as well kill myself.

 

[not_a_robot]

I lack feelings. I don't know how or when it happened, but I suddenly went from being someone full of emotions to an empty version of myself. I don't feel happy, sad, depressed, angry, guilty, empathetic, etc. I have to fake these things if I want to interact with people/in public. I have tried endless amounts of distractions, I have talked to numerous medical personnel online, done a ton of research but I still cannot find a cure. The state I am in now and have been for the past 9 years is rather pathetic, nothing I do is genuine, everything is faked. The reason I want to die is that although I can force myself to act and then continue to live a life, have kids, be married, rich, successful, etc, I will never appreciate or enjoy those things because I will lack the feelings to do so. Without feelings and emotions, I might as well kill myself.

Wow. I love my emotions draining away as I get older, they are the enemy of reason, everything wrong with society. I am seen as evil because I refuse to fake emotions but I actually think most normal people are like you, faking and feeling nothing. Greed, maybe Envy but I think that's all there is inside most people.
If you found out everyone else was faking too, would you feel better or still want to ctb?

 

[DoesANameEvenMatter]

Wow. I love my emotions draining away as I get older, they are the enemy of reason, everything wrong with society. I am seen as evil because I refuse to fake emotions but I actually think most normal people are like you, faking and feeling nothing. Greed, maybe Envy but I think that's all there is inside most people.
If you found out everyone else was faking too, would you feel better or still want to ctb?

I don't think it would change anything for me, how others are and live their life is up to them. Even if I didn't CTB, I would one day reach a point where this apathy of mine would grow to destroy the things that force me to do things/fake emotions in everyday life. And when this happens, I'll probably stop faking and stop forcing myself.. and then I would just stand on the spot, do nothing and eventually die of starvation or thirst.

 

[Pistolero114]

Wow, I didn't knew it has a name. Sounds like a common practice in a competitive society with a fixed amount of prestige/authority/material resources/etc., and most members of which have personal benefit as their top priority while lacking foresight to recognize the undesirable consequences to their decisions because keeping someone in higher position may prove to be beneficial too. We may feel that we gain something by putting superior others down, sometimes failing to recognize we're in the same boat playing against the other boat.

Agreed. The Big Blue Marble is our only home and it's not like we can move someplace and pick new cosmic neighbors. I think what troubles me most is it's a big planet and there should be room for all peoples and views without fear of retribution. But human beings have and suppose always will separate themselves by race/ethnicity/financial positions. In a world with finite resources it would behoove all peoples to cooperate and share resources rather than hoard them . Thanks for following me this far.

 

[not_a_robot]

I don't think it would change anything for me, how others are and live their life is up to them. Even if I didn't CTB, I would one day reach a point where this apathy of mine would grow to destroy the things that force me to do things/fake emotions in everyday life. And when this happens, I'll probably stop faking and stop forcing myself.. and then I would just stand on the spot, do nothing and eventually die of starvation or thirst.

That's kind of adorable. Like a robot running out of his faking-fuel and shutting down.
And there's no way to try being less fake? Just allowing the emptiness inside you to be what it is for awhile?
Supposedly constant faking wears people out quite a bit. Maybe you need the shutdown and re-boot.
Just a suggestion, do what you like, I just find it interesting. Probably no way to get any down-time if you have a family anyway.

 

[Pistolero114]

Incoming wall of text because my mind is feeling particularly scattered today... I'm sorry in advance.

There is so much wrong with me and I just don't have the will to try and fix any of it. My mental health issues? If I improved my mindset (if I weren't so negative, closed-minded, and hopeless) and made a genuine attempt to better myself, I could probably turn my life around.

But nope. I'm trapped in my mind. I used to go to therapy; I went regularly for a year and a half. The meds did nothing, and the "coping strategies"? "Mindfulness"? Meditation? Maybe those could have helped, but I wasn't receptive to those ideas; they all seemed so pointless and stupid to me, kind of in the same way that platitudes such as "Life gets better!" generally seem useless to those who are suicidal.

It's ironic for me to say, considering whatever I'm doing now is clearly not working out. These days, I just rot in my room, sleeping, aimlessly playing video games, binging on junk food, surfing the Internet... and I don't even enjoy any of that anymore. I could study, or y'know, do anything productive, but it feels like my brain is constantly filled with a thick, heavy fog, and I end up just giving up and taking a nap instead. The brain fog's not due to a lack of sleep, I think my brain's just fucked or something - I'm so dumb I can't even handle anything more than basic thinking.

I hate my life. I hate it to the point where I want to kill myself. And yet, I do nothing to try and fix it. Because to me, there's no point. There's no hope. I can't imagine myself having a happy future. I can't imagine myself having a good job, a good social life, a good appearance, a good anything. I can't imagine myself having any life other than this one. I've convinced myself that it's impossible for me to change.

You know the "crabs in a bucket" mentality? If you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket, none of them will be able to escape because they keep dragging each other down. Well, I'm like that, except I'm the only crab in the bucket, and somehow I manage to keep dragging myself down.

I've never heard that one. Learned something new. Thank you. I try to learn one new things every day because I suppose in some werid way or alternative reality the solution to want to cbt might be there. And if I found it; the very first thing I would do is create a black market with free access to this information/science so that fellow human beings no longer have to suffer. I firmly believe we have the capacity to heal all peoples and fix our world......but I also believe in Bigfoot so don't get too excited ok? Thank you for allowing me this platform to express a thought/opinion.

 

[DoesANameEvenMatter]

That's kind of adorable. Like a robot running out of his faking-fuel and shutting down.
And there's no way to try being less fake? Just allowing the emptiness inside you to be what it is for awhile?
Supposedly constant faking wears people out quite a bit. Maybe you need the shutdown and re-boot.
Just a suggestion, do what you like, I just find it interesting. Probably no way to get any down-time if you have a family anyway.

Yeah, I can fake from now till old age but it's because I won't enjoy or truly experience anything along the way that I don't see a point to it. I doubt a reboot of any sort would help unless I suddenly start getting my emotions back. Even if I do recover, my experiences in this state will be akin to a sort of trauma in my recovered state.. so I probably won't enjoy life even if I do suddenly become 'normal'.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Lower back issues (unoperatable) cluster headache (21h a days 2 double sided) fibromyalgie (untreatable), lonely because of my disablements it's hard to be social.

Holy fucking shit dude. I only heard of cluster headaches a few months ago. I searched a video of them a while back (it was this one)
I nearly started crying. They seem so fucking brutal. I can't imagine having this. It must be agonizing. I'm so sorry. Why the fuck does something like this even exist?

 

[262653]

Holy fucking shit dude. I only heard of cluster headaches a few months ago. I searched a video of them a while back (it was this one)
I nearly started crying. They seem so fucking brutal. I can't imagine having this. It must be agonizing. I'm so sorry. Why the fuck does something like this even exist?

I wonder why does she even exist... I do rarely feel compassion but I'd like... but I guess that's inappropriate even here.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I wonder why does she even exist... I do rarely feel compassion but I'd like... but I guess that's inappropriate even here.

It's called the suicide disease. And yes, they're right. If I went through this I would've shot myself instantly. I looked it up and between the high rates of suicide with this, people often slam their heads against flat out concrete. I could never deal with this. EVER.

 

[262653]

For one I don't wish to take part in this system where I am effectively a slave for someone else's gain and enjoyment. They figured out slaves do a much better job when you give them enough crumbs to think they got something good in their hands. I find it offensive that I should be willing and happy to be someone else's cattledog, give them 90% of the product of my labor and get a few scraps at the end.

I imagined myself as a dog and "they" is a human. He throws the stick and I follow the flying stick with my lazy look and then turn it back to human "you expect me to drop everything and run after it, don't you?"; "seriously"; "allright, what's in it for me?"

I too find it offensive, even if I'm not qualified for anything better

I lack feelings. I don't know how or when it happened, but I suddenly went from being someone full of emotions to an empty version of myself. I don't feel happy, sad, depressed, angry, guilty, empathetic, etc. I have to fake these things if I want to interact with people/in public. I have tried endless amounts of distractions, I have talked to numerous medical personnel online, done a ton of research but I still cannot find a cure. The state I am in now and have been for the past 9 years is rather pathetic, nothing I do is genuine, everything is faked. The reason I want to die is that although I can force myself to act and then continue to live a life, have kids, be married, rich, successful, etc, I will never appreciate or enjoy those things because I will lack the feelings to do so. Without feelings and emotions, I might as well kill myself.

Do you still get to experience fear?

Wow. I love my emotions draining away as I get older, they are the enemy of reason, everything wrong with society. I am seen as evil because I refuse to fake emotions but I actually think most normal people are like you, faking and feeling nothing. Greed, maybe Envy but I think that's all there is inside most people.
If you found out everyone else was faking too, would you feel better or still want to ctb?

Did emotions served you as a valuable source of data before? I understand they can become a nuisance because they indirectly prompt us to perpetuate living which might be incompatible to the goals of some people...

Even if I didn't CTB, I would one day reach a point where this apathy of mine would grow to destroy the things that force me to do things/fake emotions in everyday life. And when this happens, I'll probably stop faking and stop forcing myself..

I am often faking emotions in front of others too, even though I still have emotions... But why should we wait until we're so deprived from energy we cant upkeep the facade anymore? There might be a way to override one habit with another... which would require conscious effort at first but it pays off in the future if the habit is useful enough.

Think of it as a sweater (desired habit) you put on yourself in a cold season. Its cold (underdeveloped) at first when you put it on. (Let's just assume you didn't had savvy to warm it up prematurely.) But it gets warmer (develops) with the heat (conscious effort) you generate, to the point when sweater its warm (ingrained) enough to preserve heat for you, to warm (benefit) you. Working memory can be whimsical at times - I know that too well - but if you could write notes (anchors) to carry with you? Like a note on a freezer, or a phone, PC... in your pocket/wallet...

It's called the suicide disease. And yes, they're right. If I went through this I would've shot myself instantly. I looked it up and between the high rates of suicide with this, people often slam their heads against flat out concrete. I could never deal with this. EVER.

Now when you're mentioned concrete... I remember having migraines (from food poisoning maybe) intense enough to make me want to fly out of the balcony, Peter Pan style... That's very terrible, not just terrible but actually very terrible.

 

[mold]

losing a loved one, anxiety, a bunch of other mental disorders and basically being a disappointment to my family

 

[not_a_robot]

I imagined myself as a dog and "they" is a human. He throws the stick and I follow the flying stick with my lazy look and then turn it back to human "you expect me to drop everything and run after it, don't you?"; "seriously"; "allright, what's in it for me?"

I too find it offensive, even if I'm not qualified for anything better


Do you still get to experience fear?

Did emotions served you as a valuable source of data before? I understand they can become a nuisance because they indirectly prompt us to perpetuate living which might be incompatible to the goals of some people...

I am often faking emotions in front of others too, even though I still have emotions... But why should we wait until we're so deprived from energy we cant upkeep the facade anymore? There might be a way to override one habit with another... which would require conscious effort at first but it pays off in the future if the habit is useful enough.

Think of it as a sweater (desired habit) you put on yourself in a cold season. Its cold (underdeveloped) at first when you put it on. (Let's just assume you didn't had savvy to warm it up prematurely.) But it gets warmer (develops) with the heat (conscious effort) you generate, to the point when sweater its warm (ingrained) enough to preserve heat for you, to warm (benefit) you. Working memory can be whimsical at times - I know that too well - but if you could write notes (anchors) to carry with you? Like a note on a freezer, or a phone, PC... in your pocket/wallet...


Now when you're mentioned concrete... I remember having migraines (from food poisoning maybe) intense enough to make me want to fly out of the balcony, Peter Pan style... That's very terrible, not just terrible but actually very terrible.

Never were valuable, never taught me anything I didn't already know instinctively and cognitively but I always forced myself through the experience because we're "supposed to." All I ever learned from emotions is that oxytocin is the most powerful mind-destroying drug that exists and nobody is immune to it, being aware of it's destructive power is no defense. Once it is triggered you are fucked, not in a nice way. It's just not for me. Wish I had never tried to participate in normal life at all and pursued academics instead. But then I would have wondered if I was missing out on something, at least this way I know I'm not.

 

[Dragon]

Taco Bell stopped selling my favorite burrito.

 

[oopswronglife]

Nobody WANTS to. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

 

[not_a_robot]

Taco Bell stopped selling my favorite burrito.

Did the straws bend though?

 

[Leonfreak17]

I was molested by my brother, then my mom killed herself because of it. She had borderline personality disorder and now I do too, its a bitch. I haven't had a stable place to live since my mom hung herself in 2013 (with the lasso I used to play with as a child, we lived on a farm) and I've just never felt comfortable in my body since. Everyone I meet that didn't know her feels like a stranger. I've always heard death happens in 3's, in 2010 my brother died from smoking k-2, my mom had a seizure from the stress and lost her memory. She had to re-live the grieving process over and over again till her brain made it stick, but even then she would regularly lock herself in her bathroom closet and just scream. I was 14. Nobody else supported her so I became her emotional caregiver, it still really fucks with me. The reason she killed herself is because she lost her memory, she didn't remember that my middle brother, not the one who died, had been molesting me since I was 5. It was reported when I was like, 10, because he was doing it to the neighbor kids too and they told. We all had family therapy and they put a lock on my door so I could "lock myself in my room" when I didn't feel safe from him. Obviously it continued, I was 16 and he kept asking me if I was on birth control/if my boyfriend would mind if we "did what we used to" (my boyfriends didn't, it happened with multiple different boyfriends) So I reported it to my therapist and when they took me away my mom screamed at me "how could you do this to me" and when this all finally went to court, because it had been reported in the past but she forgot, the courts decided she knew it was happening and they severed her rights, so she lost another child. They also put her on a child abuse register thing so she could never be a paramedic again. Got a little too in depth there, Anyway yeah they say death happens in 3's so I'm 3 and i've tried to kill myself a lot but I suck at it. I'm trying to get a shotgun (I know I would fuck up with anything smaller, because I fuck up everything) I wanna go out Eric Harris style, minus the shooting because I don't have the motivation or stamina.

 

[not_a_robot]

I was molested by my brother, then my mom killed herself because of it. She had borderline personality disorder and now I do too, its a bitch. I haven't had a stable place to live since my mom hung herself in 2013 (with the lasso I used to play with as a child, we lived on a farm) and I've just never felt comfortable in my body since. Everyone I meet that didn't know her feels like a stranger. I've always heard death happens in 3's, in 2010 my brother died from smoking k-2, my mom had a seizure from the stress and lost her memory. She had to re-live the grieving process over and over again till her brain made it stick, but even then she would regularly lock herself in her bathroom closet and just scream. I was 14. Nobody else supported her so I became her emotional caregiver, it still really fucks with me. The reason she killed herself is because she lost her memory, she didn't remember that my middle brother, not the one who died, had been molesting me since I was 5. It was reported when I was like, 10, because he was doing it to the neighbor kids too and they told. We all had family therapy and they put a lock on my door so I could "lock myself in my room" when I didn't feel safe from him. Obviously it continued, I was 16 and he kept asking me if I was on birth control/if my boyfriend would mind if we "did what we used to" (my boyfriends didn't, it happened with multiple different boyfriends) So I reported it to my therapist and when they took me away my mom screamed at me "how could you do this to me" and when this all finally went to court, because it had been reported in the past but she forgot, the courts decided she knew it was happening and they severed her rights, so she lost another child. They also put her on a child abuse register thing so she could never be a paramedic again. Got a little too in depth there, Anyway yeah they say death happens in 3's so I'm 3 and i've tried to kill myself a lot but I suck at it. I'm trying to get a shotgun (I know I would fuck up with anything smaller, because I fuck up everything) I wanna go out Eric Harris style, minus the shooting because I don't have the motivation or stamina.

Yep, sounds like Florida. Good luck.

 

[Carla Terry]

I lost count of the amount of time I've been raped and I can't stop seeing their faces everywhere I just want to end it

 

[Captain Moby]

I lost count of the amount of time I've been raped and I can't stop seeing their faces everywhere I just want to end it

I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through. Don't let these scum make you want to end your life. Please get help and surround yourself with people who care and love you.

 

[Going Home]

Dr J, the boss and others.
Victoria

 

[peacefully31425]

I'm a waste of space. I'm unable to get a job, I can't form hobbies that are not just consuming things. I've wasted my families money and goodwill. I have avpd and ADHD. I can't function.

 

[pennyworth]

I just don't like the life. I can found myself staying alive...

 

[Jolene40]

Severe multiple illnesses which have destroyed my life. I have a horrid inherited connective tissue disease with multiple symptoms and multiple co morbid autoimmune illnesses. I have head to toe neuropathy, it's throughout my head face and sinuses now, I have agonising dponsl and neck pain. I cannot stand sit or walk properly as it's all collapsing. I support weight of head in my hands constantly. I have severe dizziness vertigo numbness and burning tinnitus swollen in flames throat like I've drank bleach. I can live only on shit meal replacement drinks as my body can't handle food. I had my colon removed and a poo bag which I have no problem with if it helped. Well it hasn't. One of many bowel obstructions which leaves me screaming to God finally resulted in a bowel perforation and sepsis which has virtually finished me off. I can hardly function. I can hardly lift s limb due to multiple autonomic symptoms where you are a living zombie with severely low blood pressure and racing heart.
I have multiple blood clots in lungs, arthritis, pericardial effusion is a regular problem and recently learnt I have a problem called chiari where your brain is sinking too low out of the skull and resulting in hindbrain herniation. Major surgery seems only option. I also have a permanent sensation of needing to poo or wee and toilet urgency whereby the only treat I get to expel out my bottom is blood every day. I am not even 40. I am desperate for an end to my suffering. I am very angry I have been dealt this hand

 

[Dragon]

Did the straws bend though?

Lmao no they didn't....and that was my last straw!!!

 

[jrums]

So many reason but the main now being that antidepressants that were supposed to help my OCD/ anxiety eventually caused PSSD. They have destroyed my brain and body. No emotions, no libido, numb genitals, severe sleeplessness, loss of taste and smell, physical problems too numerous to mention. And the OCD, anxiety was bad enough. I was really an AVPD. Now I'm basically just a lobotomized and castrated zombie. Wonderful trade-off.
Before this I also got Crohn's from Accutane, nerve damage from Cipro, C-diff from antibiotics multiple times. I also became addicted to opiates and benzos during all this. Needless to say holding a job and living a "normal" life was made almost impossible.
But PSSD aka neurological damage from ADs would be enough even if life had been perfect before this. And it was far from. I'm now 37 and enough is enough. No need to put myself through this shit anymore.