What's the point?

[amyxf]

I have been struggling so much the past month. In a toxic relationship that I caused a lot of harm in, living with constant guilt and now I may not even get to be with him anymore. It all hurts so much. I can't take it. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I have so many responsibilities every week, I'm in college, I work, I have clubs, and I am struggling so much. I am so lonely. I have a few friends and I have opened up to them about my struggles but nothing makes it better. Only temporarily. I'm supposed to start counseling soon and get a new psychiatrist but I don't know how I'm gonna live anymore without someone I was so dedicated to spending the rest of my life with. I want to stop being a coward and stop being afraid of suicide and killing myself. I always say no I'm not suicidal, because realistically, I haven't made any plans, I haven't genuinely decided to kill myself, but I think it might be something I will start to consider. I've always wanted to leave an impact or had fantasies about my life coming to some weird twisted end, but I don't know how to do it anymore. I have almost a life time's supply of Trazodone, but unfortunately I do think of the logistics of what happens if my attempt fails and I have to keep living. School, work, my club, I was so close to finishing my DJ training and becoming an official DJ for the radio station at my school. I failed to do it last semester cause I also had a nervous breakdown that glued me to my bed for days on end. If I tried to kill myself now, my parents would know it was because of the relationship, and there would definitely be no saving it or going back to it now. I can't and my parents can't afford all the hospital fees it would take to sustain me if I fail. So genuinely what is the point anymore? I have prayed, I have reached out for support, but genuinely, I have never felt more alone and more hopeless before. I am so tired of hurting and feeling this way everyday. I want to live a different life, any other life than this one, I just want to sleep and not wake up. I want it to be over. I don't want to suffer like this anymore. I'm so tired.