What’s the point of being asexual if everyone makes me feel like a sex fiend anyway?

[Marktheghost]

I don't think I'm quite asexual, but I'm not far off it, and yet I'm at the point where I daren't even try to make friends in case I do something wrong and people hate me for it, and daren't even ask a woman for her e-mail address in case someone thinks there's something wrong with wanting to e-mail her.

Everybody seems to be falsely accusing me of saying/doing immoral things to women. (Or even perfectly harmless things, but they make it sound as if there's something wrong with it, in some cases.)

Eg when I went back to drama group on Tuesday, I was told I couldn't come in because I've "upset too many women", even though I don't know what I've been accused of and only 1 of these women has ever been named, and all I ever did was be friendly to people there and do to them what I would have them do to me. All the women there are old and married anyway.

I put in a complaint about the NHS, and got a reply recently in which I was told I'd been accused of contacting female staff, even though I wouldn't have a clue how to contact any of them.

And now this week I got a reply to a letter I wrote to social services asking why they won't give me a support worker, and they're claiming there were concerns around my behaviour with female members of staff. This is the first I've heard of it! No details were given!

Why is it never bad behaviour towards men that I get accused of?! Why is everyone making me feel as if people think I'm a sex fiend or something, when all I'm looking for is friendship?

Is there something about the way I speak or act that makes people think I'm overly interested in women or something?

I do have a preference for female friends, but I don't see why that should give people the wrong impression of me.

 

[TheWood]

The asexuality can have many shades and unfortunately many people have a wrong conception of this orientation. Regarding the rest, unfortunately there are those (of both sexes) who mistake being kind, cordial with something else. For ex. the one gave me a smile and surely is about to try, the one has treated me with kindness and surely has a double purpose when maybe, in reality it's not like that. I don't know what you wrote to these people to make them suspicious but I think that, in addition to making things clear once and for all and taking a step back, you can do nothing else

 

[rationaltake]

Sorry about this. Have you asked social services if they could give you a male support worker?

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I don't think I'm quite asexual, but I'm not far off it, and yet I'm at the point where I daren't even try to make friends in case I do something wrong and people hate me for it, and daren't even ask a woman for her e-mail address in case someone thinks there's something wrong with wanting to e-mail her.

Everybody seems to be falsely accusing me of saying/doing immoral things to women. (Or even perfectly harmless things, but they make it sound as if there's something wrong with it, in some cases.)

Eg when I went back to drama group on Tuesday, I was told I couldn't come in because I've "upset too many women", even though I don't know what I've been accused of and only 1 of these women has ever been named, and all I ever did was be friendly to people there and do to them what I would have them do to me. All the women there are old and married anyway.

I put in a complaint about the NHS, and got a reply recently in which I was told I'd been accused of contacting female staff, even though I wouldn't have a clue how to contact any of them.

And now this week I got a reply to a letter I wrote to social services asking why they won't give me a support worker, and they're claiming there were concerns around my behaviour with female members of staff. This is the first I've heard of it! No details were given!

Why is it never bad behaviour towards men that I get accused of?! Why is everyone making me feel as if people think I'm a sex fiend or something, when all I'm looking for is friendship?

Is there something about the way I speak or act that makes people think I'm overly interested in women or something?

I do have a preference for female friends, but I don't see why that should give people the wrong impression of me.

Either there is a conspiracy against you coming from the NHS and Social Services, or you're behaving in a way towards women that is making them feel uncomfortable without realizing it.

 

[deathbydragon]

Yeah I'm asexual and this isn't a problem I encounter. Feel like this isn't the full story...are you straight up telling them "Don't worry, I'm asexual, I'm not sexually interested in you"?

And do you feel you need a support worker? Pretty sure they're not surrogate friends.

 

[Marktheghost]

Well someone at the NHS seems to hate me if they're making false accusations about me, even if it is something as harmless as contacting people. Yes I think I probably am behaving in a way towards women that is making them feel uncomfortable without realizing it. How do I find out what it is I'm doing wrong?! Aren't the NHS and social services exactly the sort of people that should be helping me find out? Instead, they're just making the problem worse!

Yes I do need a support worker. The main reason is because I need someone to teach me how to make friends.

Having assessed me as needing a support worker for 8 hours per week back in 2004, social services have provided support on 4 occasions, always for less than 8 hours, and it's always been a male support worker. And every time, they've stopped the support within 6 months. They've never bothered to tell me why. I think this is evidence that social services didn't think it was working out. And I feel more comfortable around females too. So I'd prefer a female support worker. Social services are unwilling to give me a female one. I don't know whether they'd give me another male one.

 

[Crazy4u]

I don't see the connection between being asexual and having issues with women and friendship. I might be asexual but I don't bring it up in friendly conversations with people around me. There is no need to talk about it.

 

[Marktheghost]

No I don't talk about it. I suppose the connection between being asexual and having issues with women and friendship is the fact that I never do anything that's likely to make people think I'm interested in sex or anything. So as I am only interested in friendship, why do I get accused of upsetting women when, other than talking to them more than I talk to men because I have a preference for female friends, I treat them just the same as I treat men?

The fact that it's always women I get accused of contacting or whatever makes me feel as if people think I'm a sex fiend or something.

 

[L-L]

There's a few examples you've given.

Any similarities in your behaviour that you can highlight that may have been interpreted differently to how you meant it?

 

[Marktheghost]

No, I can't think of anything.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

In a social setting, do you tend to ignore men and mostly talk to women? This will make people think you're trying to have sex with the women. If they don't want to have sex with you, then they might feel scared. They don't know what your intentions are, and even if you say you're looking for a female friend, they have no good reason to believe you. Seems like a good idea to try to get a male friend first, or if joining a mixed group, focusing mostly on the men there and befriending them first.

Asking for contact information can be considered weird if there's no real reason for it. I don't think many friendships are formed by someone asking if another person wants to be their friend or exchanging emails. The contact would be created by a small (but in no way insignificant) excuse for exchanging phone numbers/emails/social media accounts. "Can you send me that article? Here's my email.", "Add me on messenger so that I can tell you when me and X,Y,Z are going to do that activity you said you were interested in trying.", etc.

all I ever did was be friendly to people there and do to them what I would have them do to me.

I'd love it if women at the gym walked up to me and grabbed my genitals whilst playfully biting my neck and saying: "Hey, I love autistic NEETs, and I can tell by the way you carry yourself that you are completely unemployable--want to get married?". I will, however, not do this to them. See the point? Just because you want other people to engage with you in one way, doesn't mean they want you to do the same to them. It's about what that person wants, and this will not always be the same as what you want. You have to try to guess what they want, or at least what they absolutely don't want. So, don't do to them what you would have them do to you; do to them what they want you to do. Or, at least, don't do to them what they don't want you to do.

Another thing would be to try to get as comfortable as possible being alone. It's unfortunate, but if people feel that you're trying to get something from them (friendships, etc) they likely won't care for it. So, if you're at a social setting, trying to have the starting position of being fine with not making any friends there, and just having a good time acting or whatever it is. Then, with as little force as possible, maybe seize an opportunity to get another man's email and go from there.

Very impressed by the fact that you're at least trying after having all of these setbacks when it comes to making friends. It should definitely be possible for you to make friends eventually.

 

[sealbabies]

This is an extremely tricky topic for various reasons imo.
I don't know if you have problems socially in general or just with women (besides just being more comfortable around women).
Also trying to create friendships irl nowadays is not easy. Most people are uncomfortable being close platonically with someone unless they've known them for years.
It's still a very vulnerable state for many - plus there are legitimately a lot of people out there with questionable motives realistically. Unfortunate you have to be victim to those assumptions maybe because you are so open and trusting with them off-the-bat that it seems disingenuous.

A lot of people have given some pretty nice advice I think. Treating others how they want to be treated - versus one of those golden rules we learn growing up. It's confusing for sure.
In the real world people do tend to put men on a "creep"-meter of sorts. You have to slowly build proof and trust, and especially someone who knows nothing about you is going to need larger distance and time sadly. Also, there are the Karens of the world out there too, so idk what I can say about them besides they are not worth your time regardless, but they can make things hell if they chatter too much.

Personally, I used to want a best friend so bad, even when my partner was still alive - he wanted it for me too. But I was extremely awkward around others - funny enough, mostly women. Took a while before some people realized I was just uncomfortable/insecure and unsure how to interact with others/overthought everything, and eventually gathered I wasn't so unstable they had to watch me for dangerous alarms/red flags. Took a lot of time and still by the time that my partner has passed, I still didn't gain a best friend. More acquaintance/neighborly repour, because no one felt comfortable being around the mourning girl - especially other girls.

I always got along with boys better, but I won't lie... as I got older a lot of them were certainly not asexual in how things ended with me sadly.
These are probably the reasons women don't trust guys being overly friendly. Won't lie, sucks I didn't get to have that BFF girl pal (lol idk) I really wanted, someone who felt like the sister I always wanted. But yeah, rambling over.

I guess all I can say is everything is temporary for me now, so making that friend now is no longer as important as it once was. I'm too tired to put that effort in regardless.
Keep in mind, in every relationship (platonic or otherwise) you have to offer and give something to the other people. They can't just give themselves to you. Delicate stuff and even if we don't have the full picture I feel bad you are experiencing this dilemma.

 

[Le_Dauphin]

Unfortunally, people tend to see cordiality from a person who they find unattractive as an offense, and the mere presence of a person whose appearance displeases them as an insult. If there's an unnatractive person in a place, some people will consider the most remote possibility of said person to approach them sexually as sexual assault itself. This is why I comprehend the plight of many incels, not in the sense of those who hate women, but in the sense of those who involuntarily do not have sex. Attractive people usually persecute people who do not have sex, with all sorts of false accusations, and then blame them for becoming homicidal or suicidal. It is for this particular people that I hope that a hell trully exists, and it is thanks to them, that I am totally insensitive when it comes to people who claim to have been sexually abused, unless it happens to be an extremely indubitale instance.

 

[Housefly]

Ultimate uno reverse I'M GAY AS FUCK who's going to check?