cylus46
Student
- Jan 28, 2025
- 110
Im a decently hot guy. Im muscular, 5'11 so im not short but not 6 foot either, Latino, long wavy but messy hair which is done mostly on purpose because i think i rock the homeless look hehe. All around i check most boxes physically. This has led me to be very show offy? My Instagram is full of gym pics and aesthetic photos of me and my friends dripped out taking photos at abandon places.
I attract a decent amount of female attention which I wasn't use to prior to growing out my hair and putting on muscle. Now obviously im depressed and I have a entire host of issues, I mean im on sanctioned-suicide.net after all...
But I tend to like the attention these women give even though its very shallow, and the ones that actually do want a relationship I close myself off and end it. Why? I talked about it in other post of mine. But tldr: im so fucked up mentally I dont deserve to be in love with a good woman.
Back to the Point- i lean into it, I get bigger, show off more, attract more, and I began messing around with these people because it felt good. It feels good. It feels good to be lusted over....
Atleast for a moment.
Once we both get off, or once we're done flirting or making out
All those feelings are gone.
I know why, im not stupidly ignorant.
But still its the only type of love I feel now a days and its not even real.
Im aware of how its not real, I never have intercourse with them, and at 20 im still a virgin. Im a avid believer in losing that to someone actually special to me.
I guess im here venting because I feel trapped
I dont want to feel nothing, I want to feel loved
But lust is all I get
And the ones that are willing to love me I dont feel like I deserve what I want
Or that im simply
Not good enough.
And so I lust with people who lust and I feel worse then when I was lonely, I feel ashamed, I feel empty.
Yet I keep doing it because being empty is just as bad as this entire cycle.
Everything I just said feels like a cycle.
I attract a decent amount of female attention which I wasn't use to prior to growing out my hair and putting on muscle. Now obviously im depressed and I have a entire host of issues, I mean im on sanctioned-suicide.net after all...
But I tend to like the attention these women give even though its very shallow, and the ones that actually do want a relationship I close myself off and end it. Why? I talked about it in other post of mine. But tldr: im so fucked up mentally I dont deserve to be in love with a good woman.
Back to the Point- i lean into it, I get bigger, show off more, attract more, and I began messing around with these people because it felt good. It feels good. It feels good to be lusted over....
Atleast for a moment.
Once we both get off, or once we're done flirting or making out
All those feelings are gone.
I know why, im not stupidly ignorant.
But still its the only type of love I feel now a days and its not even real.
Im aware of how its not real, I never have intercourse with them, and at 20 im still a virgin. Im a avid believer in losing that to someone actually special to me.
I guess im here venting because I feel trapped
I dont want to feel nothing, I want to feel loved
But lust is all I get
And the ones that are willing to love me I dont feel like I deserve what I want
Or that im simply
Not good enough.
And so I lust with people who lust and I feel worse then when I was lonely, I feel ashamed, I feel empty.
Yet I keep doing it because being empty is just as bad as this entire cycle.
Everything I just said feels like a cycle.
