I saw you were looking for inputs from new members, sorry it took me a while to stop having mini breakdowns long enough for me to write some (man! it should not be this hard) so here it goes....
BTW - I get a lot of "get an abortion" or "never have children". If it helps you by venting this way, by all means... But I'm assuming we're past that point for discussion purposes.
You guys should have double, triple bagged it or should have gotten an abortion would also be my answer but like you said we are already past that point so.....
"I would have preffered it if you guys didn't complain to me how much you could not believe you gave birth to a child like me. I would have prefered it if you guys didn't compare me with literally every child and said how much lucky their parents are and how jealous you are of them. I was a child for fu*k's sake! What were you even expecting from me at that age? Mom do you remember when I asked you if I was born at home or in a hospital? you were irritated at my silly question and said 'of course at the hospital' and I had to ask you 'so if you had me at a hospital then there is a possibility of me being switched at birth, why can't we go ask them? they can may be give you that other child?' God! how much could you have complained about having me, for me at that age to ask you that question? I was so afraid that if you had given birth to me at home then i would be the only baby there and there won't be any hope of mismatch. I remember you were quite shocked by that question and stopped your habits for a while and tried to show abit more affection. Too bad old habits die hard so you went right back to it. Almost every child my age dreamed of being switched at birth so they would end up with rich parents that would buy them everything they wanted, take them to dreamy places blablabla....no I was hoping I was switched at birth so you guys could have your dream child and be happy. The biggest thing a child that age should have to worry about is....ice-cream flavor to choose from, new clothes and shoes, staying up past bedtime....I don't know, but definitely not that!
Am not gonna complain for physically abusing me and giving me a beating every chance you got, it's a normal punishment for kids here. When a child makes a "mistake" the parent would get angry and in the heat of the moment would beat the hell out of their child but soon once they calm down and see the aftermath they would regrate it instantly and hate themselves for it though they never reflect that to the child. The sad thing is whenever i did "bad" you guys would tell me to go to my room and wait there until you finish the chore at hand. That is where you would beat the hell out of me in the most efficient and organized way! What was that about? Sometimes I think you get some kind of sadistic kick out of it.
When i was in elementary and junior high, do you remember how you made me take tuition class everyday after the end of my regular classes at a different school? You never believed in giving me any allowance, apparently that was considered as "spoiling" me. Forget everything else that caused me, what i never got over is I would tell you how hungry i get to continue the tuition class and how watching the other kids buying snacks and eating makes me even hungrier, you had the audacity to tell me 'just because you saw others buy food and eat doesn't mean you should too, If you get hungry you come home after school eat your meal and go to your tuition class' but you knew damn well how tiring, time consuming and practically impossible that was. I would try to steal money whenever and wherever I could to get by and when you found changes on me I would get that beating that you loved to give me so dearly.
I wasn't even that upset about that, you never believed in giving money to a child for whatever twisted reason and I accepted that until years later when my younger brother came home late from hanging out with his friends. He had regular allowance like my sister at that time and mom you asked him why he was late and he said 'my friends wanted to eat out and i was waiting for them to finish so we could walk back home together' and you said 'why didn't you eat with them?' he then said 'I didn't have money and I didn't feel comfortable joining them'. Never in my life have I seen you so upset and so sad you almost wanted to cry. You told him why in the world would he stand by and watch others eat like an orphan whose parents died when he could have taken money to join them. He tried his best to explain to you and calm you down saying he didn't mind it and he wasn't even that hungry, but you would not have it! You scolded him to never do that, your exact words were 'how could my child stand by and watch others eat while i am living and breathing'. My child? What the hell was I? An inconvenience that should never have been born in the first place?
Yes it's not your fault that I failed in life that I couldn't even move out on my own, i will give you that. But i was still forced to live watching my siblings grow up in a way I could only dream of. How could siblings have the same and yet so different parents? Was it really me? Was i the problem? Was I such a terrible child to deserve all that?
And dad, when it was my university graduation, which is a big deal here, I told my friends my dad and sister won't make it so just my mom and brother would make it to the ceremony. My friends looked at me like I had grown two heads. since they never heard me talk to you on the phone they apparently had concluded you had died and that I had no father. You never really had the habit of calling me or spending time with me or conversing with me for that matter and i never really minded it because you would get so uncomfortable like a teenage boy forced to make small talk with guest relatives. Do you remember calling me that time (which I suspect mom shamed you in to) to tell me that I shouldn't feel bad that you don't call and the reason you don't call is you already get all the information of my well being from mom so there really is no reason having to hear it from me too :) how pathetic is that? No no, scratch that, how pathetic of you is it to be mistaken for a dead parent?
And mom do you remember that guy you knew that you introduced me that was helping me search for an internship? when he asked me 'your mom is a beautiful woman, what the hell happened to you?' Instead of laughing it of and obviously feeling flattered taking it as a compliment to your self...I don't know, you should have been offended like a parent and been on my side. At that point you might as well have told him 'I don't know man, I think I fu*ked up when I gave birth to this one!' but I guess that was a bit to unrealistic to expect from a parent.
You know what? I have always vowed to be the parent I never had. I have wanted to have a child and give them all the love and support i never received from you guys. As much as i was told and showen almost every day how much unwanted i was, i vowed to remind my child everyday how much wanted and loved they were.
Now that am dying before any of that, maybe it's a good thing I never got around to that. This things are always a gamble. They say no matter how much you hated your childhood, there is a good chance you will endup becoming your parents. So...
I am a grown ass woman now to realize how tough raising a child is and how tougher it is to raise one in an unstable marriage. I also understand that you guys did your best. But mom, dad, with all due respect, YOUR BEST, WAS SHIT!!"
For any one reading this, I just want to say it's ok not to have a child, especially when you are not mentally or economically ready. The world's population would even appreciate you for your decision.
You don't need to have a child just because society inforces it. You don't need to have a child just because you are pregnant, there are other better options than having it just to raise it poorly. It's even ok to not want kids for no reason at all. What is not ok is to have a child when you are not ready and raise them abusing the hell out of them both physically and emotionally! What is not ok is giving birth to a child you never wanted in the first place and make sure to remind them of that fact every. single. day. for the rest of their life until they finally get the sweet release of death!
I always say this whenever I get the chance and I will say it again. Having kids is not a necessity nor an obligation but raising them in a proper manner is an obligation and a big responsibility.
When and if you decide to have a child you need to realize you never get to choose what type of child you get. It's not something you pick out of a shopping spree. You get what you get. There is no return policy. And as much as you hate the "type of child" you got handed that you never chose in the first place, you need to also realize that child never chose you too.
And if you are not in a mental state to accept and love whatever "type" of child you get, even if you have the slightest doubt, please please please stay away from having kids.
Take all of this with a grain of salt. After all it's coming from a suicidal soon to be dead person who has never been a parent
