What's the one thing you would ask your parents to do differently?

[Kundalini Guy]

If my father actually cared and was present in my life, I would never be suicidal

 

[HighFlight]

Move to a developed/first-world country at least.

If you feel comfortable, can you share where in the world you're located?

 

[pumpt73]

Not have me. My father, if you can call him that, was married with 2 kid. My mom was a nurse in the hosptial he worked at. Knocked her up and I was the result. I never once met him, never spoke to him. Eventually my mom couldn't pull herself together, that's when my grandparents stepped in. When I was 14 my father and I wrote back and forth a few times. After the 4th time I wrote, I never heard back. Basically 2 irresponsible people.

 

[dumbgirlonline]

just a suggestion, but, not threatening kill your kids is a great step in helping them develop into proper adults. Now I'm unable to communicate my feelings out of fear of being threatened/ killed. Rather silly.

 

[nux_walpurgis]

Not ever give birth to me

 

[princexhhn]

i just wish they had stopped at my older brother LOL. or aborted me, whatever works

 

[Antibody246]

I've noticed that parents come up in discussions quite frequently on this site. As a parent myself, I like to think that we try to do our best and protect our children. But also realize I have failed at this to some degree - my oldest opened up and told me about his suicidal ideation and how he would have gone through with it if he wasn't so afraid.

I also know that not all parents share that same sense of responsibility. And all sorts of abuse takes place by the very people responsible for keeping a child safe.

Thinking back to when you were younger (maybe 12 - 18 yo), what would you want your parents to do differently that might have helped avoid you going down a ctb path?

I would ask them to go to a movie instead of mating

 

[fishlover]

itd be nice if my father actually made an effort to visit me, and to provide for me. if my mom wouldnt resort to shaming me whenever i made a mistake, hitting me, always arguing with me because things had to be done exactly the way she said. if my mom could give me less responsibility and pressure when i was so young. not have me take care of my brother all by myself, do all the chores on my own, make me aware of how much of a financial burden i was and how poor we really were, constantly. and especially, itd be nice if i just heard "im proud of you" at least once.

 

[StyxFerryStowaway]

Not having me is the glib answer, though I don't know if my life was wholly not worth having lived. Though, from what little I remember, and what little I could piece together from other family members. My parents had an incredibly rocky relationship while my mother was still alive. Shit, some of the few memories that are still kicking around are them fighting, my mom driving to the liquor store, and the last night she was alive. Sick, and refusing to go to the hospital. (though I only know that last part from what I learned since.)

So maybe it would have been for the best. Dad always did his best. I'm lucky enough to say that he never abused me, though to say he helped prepare me for adulthood would be too generous by far. I guess that would be what I would want. For them to be there, literally in my mom's case...and when I needed him in my dad's.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I would say " don't bring me into existence because this world is a world of suffering ".

 

[Maeve]

Don't have a child
If that is not an option I don't know i don't think it was their fault more of a not knowing better

 

[tiger b]

My dad was truly evil - no exaggeration here. I'd have wanted him to kill himself (as I knew he wouldn't leave).

He eventually did that - hung himself in an attempt to manipulate another woman (!) but not before horrible damage was done. I was shocked. The coroner's report confirmed he had a brain. Who knew?

My mother - I'd want her to leave before she got destroyed. Even leave me. But that didn't happen. I begged her leave. She told me that he said he'd follow her everywhere. He proved it, possessive maniac that he was. And woe betide anyone who tried to interfere.

Powerlessly watching someone die from the inside and suffer in horrible ways is worse than anything I have ever seen, or anything I could ever do to myself. The disgusting cruelty that humanity - or some of humanity ok - is capable of, well I'll never get my head round it.

The only answer to 'why' is 'because they can'.

Still angry.

 

[mob]

Divorced much earlier; my father wouldn't have beaten my mom and my mom wouldn't have beaten me as an outlet for her pain. Not cared so much about grades (I fell into pill abuse and suicidality at the ripe age of 12-13 because of my grades), which would have caused me much less trauma. Not forced their religion on me, letting me have friends and hang out with them. Letting me have freedom, and maybe they should've restricted my internet access.

 

[deadbody]

Abort me.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I've noticed that parents come up in discussions quite frequently on this site. As a parent myself, I like to think that we try to do our best and protect our children. But also realize I have failed at this to some degree - my oldest opened up and told me about his suicidal ideation and how he would have gone through with it if he wasn't so afraid.

My mother should have strongly discouraged me from starting in the strip club. She was like well you're 19 you can make your own decisions just don't mention your name since my mother and I have the same unique foreign name and she didn't want me dancing nude for money in the strip club to look bad on her. I know right? I'm assuming that's why she would say that. She encouraged me to abort my first pregnancy which unfortunately traumatized me and led me into substance dependency and more abortions. I had a narcissist parent but I didn't know then. She could have quit punishing me for having difficulty with my grades in school. I had undiagnosed learning disability, autism and ADD. It crushed my self esteem that I couldn't do well in school because that meant I might struggle with employment as well. Since a lot of the way the gov school is set up is similar to a typical work day and it was miserable for me to endure the gov schooling. She enrolled us in a Catholic school one year. This school gave way more homework than the gov school and I was grounded for like a month each time my report card came. I felt so hopeless I wanted to run away or suicide at 16.

 

[I Can't Say]

Talk to me? Like even once? Example: my mom's a church-every-Sunday Christian, but I can only think of one time I ever talked to her about religion. I mentioned that I wished we had discussed the disconnect between biblical literalism and science, and she said... basically nothing. Mom, my faith was collapsing.

The fun part is that she regularly berates me for not talking enough. Well, how do you think I got this way?

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I wish my parents didn't have emotional meltdowns when they found out that I was hurting. I wish they had listened to me, instead of coming up with their own narrative about what caused my pain. I wish they didn't make assumptions about my friends. I wish they accepted for the person I am, rather than the person they think I am. Kindness, grace, and communication can go a long way.

 

[Freyja13]

I wish my parents didn't have emotional meltdowns when they found out that I was hurting. I wish they had listened to me, instead of coming up with their own narrative about what caused my pain. I wish they didn't make assumptions about my friends. I wish they accepted for the person I am, rather than the person they think I am. Kindness, grace, and communication can go a long way.

Wow omg just all this please!! Knowing my parents would react like this made me stop telling them how I truly feel xD

 

[Spiritual survivor]

My mother should have strongly discouraged me from starting in the strip club. She was like well you're 19 you can make your own decisions just don't mention your name since my mother and I have the same unique foreign name and she didn't want me dancing nude for money in the strip club to look bad on her. I know right? I'm assuming that's why she would say that. She encouraged me to abort my first pregnancy which unfortunately traumatized me and led me into substance dependency and more abortions. I had a narcissist parent but I didn't know then. She could have quit punishing me for having difficulty with my grades in school. I had undiagnosed learning disability, autism and ADD. It crushed my self esteem that I couldn't do well in school because that meant I might struggle with employment as well. Since a lot of the way the gov school is set up is similar to a typical work day and it was miserable for me to endure the gov schooling. She enrolled us in a Catholic school one year. This school gave way more homework than the gov school and I was grounded for like a month each time my report card came. I felt so hopeless I wanted to run away or suicide at 16.

There's more… my mother never really talked to me, she would ignore me when I was in emotional distress, she would call me insulting names. She made me feel unwanted like she was mostly indifferent to me like I was an inconvenience. I didn't realize it but she saw me as competition, not as her daughter who u want the best for because normal people want their kids to succeed and u would want to guide them in a way that sets them up to succeed not sabotage your child's future like my mother. It's funny how these parents will say… we did the best we could, or parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. Oh u need an instruction manual to know how not to abuse your child? Dang! That's sad lol! She also put me in danger because she paired up with a pedophile and left me to be molested by this guy for months when I was just 10 years old. It's hard to fathom that a parent that loves u would not notice that their child is being sexually abused right under their nose and not notice that your child is acting differently and maybe ask them if everything is alright. I didn't feel safe enough to tell my mother that this was happening because I thought she might blame me for it.

 

[In-between]

I wish my parents didn't have emotional meltdowns when they found out that I was hurting. I wish they had listened to me, instead of coming up with their own narrative about what caused my pain. I wish they didn't make assumptions about my friends. I wish they accepted for the person I am, rather than the person they think I am. Kindness, grace, and communication can go a long way.

I very much empathise and love the last line there.

 

[HighFlight]

It's funny how these parents will say… we did the best we could, or parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. Oh u need an instruction manual to know how not to abuse your child? Dang! That's sad lol!

What your mother did to you is horrible, and I can't imagine being in that situation as a child. As a parent, I'm saddened by every one of these stories.

While this is NOT an excuse for abusive behavior, especially behavior like your mother's, but parenting is difficult. And as soon as you think you've figured it out, something changes and your back to trying to figure it out again. Hence the common sayings...

I wanted to add this comment, not in defense of your mother, but in support of you! Parents are humans and have their own pain and suffering. And they may be very good at hiding it, especially from their kids. God knows I did. But that is a reflection of them, not you.

I hope that you (and others who have been kind enough to share in this thread) can move forward in spite of your parents, not because of them. Like them, you are also human and have the right to your own life. Choose how you spend it wisely, for the choice is yours.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

What your mother did to you is horrible, and I can't imagine being in that situation as a child. As a parent, I'm saddened by every one of these stories.

While this is NOT an excuse for abusive behavior, especially behavior like your mother's, but parenting is difficult. And as soon as you think you've figured it out, something changes and your back to trying to figure it out again. Hence the common sayings...

I wanted to add this comment, not in defense of your mother, but in support of you! Parents are humans and have their own pain and suffering. And they may be very good at hiding it, especially from their kids. God knows I did. But that is a reflection of them, not you.

I hope that you (and others who have been kind enough to share in this thread) can move forward in spite of your parents, not because of them. Like them, you are also human and have the right to your own life. Choose how you spend it wisely, for the choice is yours.

I can see that u are a caring parent and in your particular case I don't think your child's suicidal ideation is because u have done something wrong. I think your child is experiencing the dysfunction of our society and it probably wasn't all your doing. It may be that your child doesn't have faith that he isn't alone in this world. My suicidal ideation did improve after I was taught more about God but that may not be effective for everyone. Some people can never come to believe that we were supposed to rely on an invisible entity to help lead us and provide us what we need in this life. Prior to that education from some people in a private fellowship I was a lot more afraid of life because I was totally self reliant or on other people, institutions.

 

[HighFlight]

@Failedlife - thank you for the kind words, but I know I am guilty of plenty of sins identified in this thread. Due to differences in opinions with their mom, I buried myself in my work instead of being there to teach them self-reliance and other life skills. I tried to respect privacy and was overly trusting. I never abused them in any way, and was there when they wanted me to be there. But was never a proactive dad. I should have done a better job, and now they're struggling to be adults. Not only did i fail, I f*cked a couple of kids in the process.


Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. Please help me keep this thread going by adding your ideas on what your parents could have done differently that might have altered the course of your life.

 

[passivethought121]

Several things, but they could've fed me properly. My household rarely had anything healthy, and what remained was gatekept by my parents. If I hadn't learned within my first years that ultra processed food was going to comfort me more than everything and everyone else would, I would've avoided a few issues now.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

Several things, but they could've fed me properly. My household rarely had anything healthy, and what remained was gatekept by my parents. If I hadn't learned within my first years that ultra processed food was going to comfort me more than everything and everyone else would, I would've avoided a few issues now.

Parents who are too lazy to properly feed their children right has always been something that makes me so angry. Not bothering to try to cook real food even if it is simple meals, but just not hot dogs, tater tots, or McDonald's too regularly. Soda pop always available instead of better options for safer liquids to drink. Then the kids are becoming obese and or just not feeling good. It's cruel. I do sympathize somewhat with parents who just plain don't know any better but I think many of them just take the easy way out and buy crappy food nobody should be consuming regularly.

 

[HighFlight]

Just giving this thread a bump to see if anyone else has some thoughts on the topic...

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

Definitely stay off of drugs. Parents are people too so there's no expectation to be perfect but once they got on drugs they were never the same. It has taught me a lot of street knowledge but that's led me to not fit in with anyone. I refuse to do any drugs or alcohol for risk of becoming like them so I don't fit in with the people who understand street mindset and obviously it's too big of a culture disconnect from people who have never dealt with those things.
I know life wouldn't have been easier without drugs but at least I would have people that truly loved and cared about me instead of just caring about the next high. Now I'm just alone while searching for my end.

I'll also go with the never being born answer too but that felt like too easy of an answer.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Tell my father not to mate with my mother.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Get an abortion

 

[huphup]

I think that my parents did the best they could so I don't like to think about how what should have changed, but:

- actually role model and display how to resolve conflict instead of going to childish yelling, name calling, degraading the other person or physical means
- to learn about what I want
- to validate my own emotions
- to tell me it's ok to have dreams and wants of my owns instead of always correcting and telling me how my thoughts are wrong
- not physically abusing me
- stepping in to stop the physical abuse against me instead of blaming me for instigating it
- modelling how to have life outside of a career/work
- telling me that I do not have to be the best at school and perfectionist

I could go on, but again I think the bulk of it for me is really the emotional support and changing the trauma i've been through